Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

but surely, she has zero obligation to @Operaofthephantom @MrsJeanLuc

The fault lies squarely on her husband who broke their covenant.

Idk if this sounds mad but I would wanna see a pic of the kid. That would be my initial reaction. All our kids look like us, and if that kid had any resemblance to my husband I’d go from there but that’s just me.

Czechia, so EU. They worked closely together and as I said from the start I think I know what this is about. I'm just so disappointed.

There is a lot of speculation about the woman's motives, and condemnation of her.

OP has said the woman's H was awful and very controlling. It may be that she is being forced to ask for the paternity test by her H.

I think the condemnation atm should be fairly and squarely aimed at OP's H for his refusal to take the test.

Hoping that someone who was in a clearly controlling and abusive marriage and had fertility issues is miserable is honestly an awful thing to say, and i hope it's just because it's still raw and you're hurting.

Your husband is the one who made vows to you, not her, and if he has cheated on you with her then he is the one who has betrayed you. Her doing a shitty thing sleeping with a married man doesn't justify any abuse she's suffered like she no longer deserves sympathy.

At the heart of this is a child who needs and deserves supporting, financially at the very least. For whatever reason it's either suspected or known that her husband is not the father, and she is claiming that if he isn't, then it is your husband who is. To go via a solicitor (you can google the company to check their legitimacy, don't call a number or visit a website listed in the letter til you've checked via search engine and confirmed) will have cost a pretty penny, as well as doing it via official channels. This makes it seem much more plausible that there is a very high likelihood that your husband is genuinely the father, as opposed to it being a scam or her picking a random man she knows to accuse.

His behaviour isn't mitigating this either, refusing to engage, denying with anger etc. A truly innocent man would be horrified and desperate to prove to his wife that he is not a cheat with a secret affair child.

Whether there's a legal requirement for him to do the test or not, he should do one either to try and prove to you its a false accusation, or if it is a possibility, to take on his legal and moral responsibility for the child he has created. To prevent either side from using a dodgy/fake lab with false results in their favour, an impartial, accredited lab should be used for the test to get the real result.

In your shoes my marriage/family would be shattered. If he didn't do the test I'd never believe him that he hadn't cheated and possibly fathered a child. If he does the test and it's positive then he's cheated and that's unforgivable. Even if he tests and it is negative i'd drive myself mad over why she'd pointed the finger at him in the first place, no smoke without fire as they say, especially given how he's reacted.

However this works out i wish you and your children the best.

Have you figured out what advice (if any) you want? I read your updates and it doesn't sound like you care if he is the bio-dad and it sounds like you don't want him to get involved if he is. That's entirely your choice.

I think people have missed that the child isn't suffering. The child has parents. It is possible that her partner found out he wasn't the biological dad and would explain the sudden contact from her. But that doesn't change that she didn't want your partner in the child's life at the start so it was her choice to not involve your partner; not his so no, he isn't a deadbeat for not getting involved now.

I know it can't happen to me but for the sake of argument: if a bloke randomly told me a decade later that I was the bio mother of his child, I wouldn't get involved either. Too late and also: imagine the emotional turmoil of knowing that this person stole your ability to raise your own child. It would be weird to get involved so much later on and it's not acceptable to rip apart someone's life like that.

Biology doesn't make a parent and she already decided your partner wasn't going to be a parent to that child. I would also ignore the test. I'd put a time limit / statute of limitations on women confirming the bio father too so this nonsense cannot come back to haunt men.

Regards the likely / possible cheating: that's a different conversation isn't it. And you haven't expressed any concern about it. Maybe you don't care.

Okay, this doesn't excuse his behaviour but... what if it wasn't a full blown affair, lying, skulking around, deception for months, etc. What if, he's drunk, and she's having fertility issues with her hubby and she came onto your husband because she was desperate and he was weak? It doesn't excuse it, but, maybe forgivable, for him, and understandable, for her? Of course, you don't have to forgive, or understand, but, you could, if you chose to. That would be your choice to make. I wouldn't be happy thinking my husband had a child out there and wasn't stepping up though. That's low class. I wouldn't send my DNA overseas, either. I would want the details of the lab/service being used, and check it was a legitimate organisation with established protocols, and you could arrange to do a UK test and compare sample results from both parties without even giving them a sample, just comparing results. A UK testing facility would have no skin in the game, and the UK is very tightly regulated, so not likely to be scamming you. There are Ministry of Justice-accredited UK labs, and some of them also have European co-departments. Costs around £500. Govt.co.uk has a list.

This.

Maybe, but the ow could apply for child maintenance in Britain (especially if she moved back to the Uk, I'm uncertain whether she could do so if he's not resident here) and it's likely that he would be forced to pay for the child if he refuses to take a DNA test.
He's a nasty coward for refusing to test to see if the child is his own flesh and blood.

She knows who is the father and your husband knows it might be him. Anyone who is truly innocent would actively seek proof of their innocence. At this point, it doesnt really matter if he takes the test or not, you already know he could be this child's father, because he fucked her. Her marital issues are hers, not yours.

She knowingly slept with a married man.

OP it sounds as though you are saying that you know it’s true.

“Disappointed” is an oddly passive word to use. But you do sound it.

What do you want from the rest of your life, OP?

PyongyangKipperbang · Today 22:46
"She knows who is the father and your husband knows it might be him"

We don't know either of these things at all.

Yeah, I think we do

Has your husband confirmed that he slept with this woman?

Oh dear, the ultimate betrayal. Are you divorcing the rogue?

as Shaggy sang “it wasnt me”

I couldn’t agree any more

I think we do too... at least that he slept with her and didn't use contraception.

"think" is doing a lot a lifting there.

What has your husband said? Has he categorically denied having an affair?

If he has then I would quietly not say anything to him whilst preemptively getting your ducks in order. I would do what PP suggested upthread and message the woman and ask for her side of the story and ask to compare your children’s DNA. Then I would go from there.

You obviously never watched Maury Pouvich.

So let’s be straight - deep down you know your husband has slept with this woman.

From what you said this baby was much wanted by her and her partner (her husband?)

So yes he needs to do the test and speak to a solicitor.

To me - and I’m just briefly reading this - but it seems like they wanted a baby at any cost. And they now have the benefit of having their baby paid for.

Happy to be corrected if I am wrong

This is it. Mine would not. All respect would be gone.

I just want my children to be ok

All I can think of is