Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

I guess you need to work out are you willing to stay with a man who not only impregnated another woman while married to you but is now refusing to confirm he is (or isn’t) the father, which in reality means he’s refusing to take responsibility for his actions and his (likely)
child? Pretending it’s not real won’t make it go away. Sure the paternity issue might go away but the child will still exist out there and the affair will still have happened and it will always be in the back of your mind.

Punishing the woman and child serves no one other than your cheating husband. He is the one who betrayed you not her and certainly not the child.

Dont be the martyr wife to get him to stay with you. Don’t teach your children it’s ok to behave like that with zero repercussions. You and your kids deserve better and so does the other child born to another mother. You’re all victims of his behaviour.

That's an interesting perspective.

But I still think "how dare they" is an odd response from OP's DH if there was no chance he was the father. I mean surely if you had never slept with her around that time it would be more "wtf??" and bafflement, not anger?

Oh dear. I hope you don’t stay with him and let him just get away with it. I would probably contact her and say that he’s saying he was never informally told and will not do anything he doesn’t have to. Hopefully that will prompt more information and motivate you to leave him

The child deserves to know who their biological father is

Disappointed is a sane and measured response OP.

You are right to focus on yourself and your children. Cling to what is real and solid in your life right now.

Sadly, I think there has to be at least a chance he is the father. She wouldn't be dumb enough to allege it otherwise and random scams aren't sophisticated enough to match people up who knew each other - and what would be the point of that anyway. She is asking because she thinks there is a chance she can get something out of it - which may be innocent and justified, or may be a bit malicious, or even a bit of both. But taking away that belief that he could be the father reduces her to a malicious trouble-maker who wants to hurt you by planting a seed of doubt in your mind that is baseless. Did she really seem as though she would be that foul and obsessed with you, and after all this time?

what a shock for you.
For what it’s worth, I am completely with you being angry with her, she has lied and deceived her husband, her child and at least omitted to tell your husband he may be the child’s father. She is lower than low.
That said, I think you need to be sure you can live with this doubt in your head. It would drive me crazy. You may already have decided that you can live with this , that’s your choice and your choice only. Do not be swayed by strangers on the internet.

Could this be her own controlling husband accusing her of adultery (when there was none)..?
Did it come from her or from him?

yes it does , maybe it’s mother shouldn’t have lied to about it then

The child clearly isn't his though, because paranoid as he may be, he could test himself and the child.

I think her husband was unsure it was his ( or bloods didnt match ? ) so gave her a ultimation test or we are finished hence the request now.

I would contact her myself (without telling my husband) see what she says.

Yes he should do a test obviously but i definatly would not be sending my info off to another county and would want it done in uk as others have said.

But if he wont do it and hes not legally obliged then you need to decide if you want to remain married with this hanging over your head forever.

The child has a right to know who their father is, it's extremely important. They should also know for health reasons.

The mother should have considered this before she deceived her husband, probably ops husband and worst of all, her own child!

So she is the issue when she clearly had an affair with @Operaofthephantom 's husband, during which we can safely assume he was a willing partipicant? By your own standards, he has deceived his wife and kids, just as she did.

He lied too. So why are you laying the blame squarely on the OW?

Is it possible that her husband is accusing her of having an affair, when she didn't, and making her get the paternity test as part of his controlling behaviour?
I mean, it would make more sense for the husband to get one first, but men like that don't think straight.
In that case, you could - fingers crossed - find he's now got his test results back and the husband is the father.
If they were having IVF unless it was a very specific kind - ICSI - it's unlikely she'd be fertile enough to get pregnant through an affair as most other kinds of IVF are done for female fertility problems.

Its clear why you are anti OW, but that is not helpful to the OP. Your choice to stay with your cheating husband has no relevance.

What?!? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Show me a woman who blames the OW for her husband's affair and I'll show you a woman who has set her bar for acceptable male behaviour on the floor.

A DNA paternity test isn't the same thing at all as Ancestry DNA testing!

i feel conflicted, if a letter turned up for my husband I think he would refuse. More because it’s ludicrous, and we would assume it’s a scam.

so I don’t think not wanting to do it is a certain sign it’s bad news esp as a first reaction.

maybe after letting it sink in and working out if it is a scam then maybe he would decide to do it

It doesn't mean the child should pay that price, that's quite heartless. I've watched that program that traces people's ancestry and for some clients not knowing who there father is has completely taken over there life and they can't bare not knowing where they come from. It's not really acceptable anymore now that we know better.

If he didn't have anything to hide he would quite happily do the test as there would be no chance he is the father.

"If he didn't have anything to hide he would quite happily do the test as there would be no chance he is the father."

Oh come on. Some male rights radicals online argue that all babies should be routinely DNA tested at birth to make sure the mother isn't lying about who the father is.

Would you say that all women should agree to this because they have nothing to hide?

And as others have said it is possible it's a scam where your end up with some "lab" confirming fatherhood. It sounds like op have assets as they own their own company

In this case OP has grounds for suspicion. Most men would automatically refuse to do a DNA test if they knew they had not slept with the person asking for it

Your children may have a half sibling. For all the children’s sake I would be finding out.

Oh it's just a MN trope that insists putting any blame on the OW is somehow letting the man off the hook entirely - which doesn't even make sense.

Two people can act badly, you can be angry with two people at once. It's not either/or.

Ya what.
Did she say that or did you just make that up