Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

I think this is the way to go. There is, as my Grandmother said, more than one way to skin a cat.

What are they asking? Are they asking to get a sample tested locally, at a reputable company? If it’s a random request, then I’d worry they would claim he was the father, whether he was or not.

Do the dates match? Was your dp spending time with this woman when the child could have been conceived?

i guess the scam is that they say he is the father and demand money.

Have you seen pictures of the child?

You may say that you just have your children to worry about, but there could be a big issue here from their perspective if you both ignore this and ignore their half-sibling.

Do you want to stay with your husband, knowing this is likely true?

What a stupid thing to say!

Why on earth should OP be "nice" fgs - the OW slept with a married man and cheated on her own husband , then had the gall to chat to OP at a wedding about the pregnancy

Maybe she isn't but who knows what he told her.

What a weird take. Why not take the test to PROVE beyond all doubt? Not taking it just makes you/him/anyone look guilty, not honest.

I wouldn’t do a dna test that was sent through the post and send my dna to another country.
id get a solicitor involved.
if i had someone contact my husband for a dna and he ignored it I think id contact the other woman directly.

I think she wants to know because she wants money?

If she just wanted her child to have a father then I think she would have contacted him about it privately

How did she know your address? Was this a long time affair or a one night stand? Does she only have one child or is there more? Realistically she’d only need a test for one of them

I hope you are ok op this is a dreadful betrayal

Id be shocked if she was doing this for fun - sadly I think he is guilty

I can think of a reason a woman might do this. Desperate to have a child, no luck with DH and they decide she should get pregnant by someone else. I know someone who has a child fathered in this way.

Why do women always get blamed for everything while men get away with it?
If he cheated the OW is not married to the OP. He is.
Who knows what lies he might have told?

Even if the child isn’t his, he wouldn’t be asked for a test if it wasn’t a possibility. Him saying it is a scam is the best excuse he could come up with when confronted with the information. How long has he been trotting out that line?

The anger should be directed towards your husband.
Should be an ex husband.

Yes the OPs kids and the potential half sibling do deserve to know about each other.

That's a ridiculous theory

If my DH was approached by a female friend to be a sperm donor, agreed and didn't tell me, then that would be the end of our marriage if I found out. It's not quite as bad as an affair but it's not far off.

I am writing the same stuff over and over again. A person I know threw her partner out because her friends advised her not to tolerate his affair. She ended up in a horrible financial situation. No use in court-ordered maintenance if they it is not complied with. No use in demanding more money if he hides his assets. Don't do anything rash. Prepare for exit, weigh up your options, think calmly.

If her husband is controlling, could it have come from him? Paranoia perhaps?

It sounds as if you are going to just carry on as if nothing has happened?

Is there any chance he could have seen her around that time? If you look back.

It seems like a plausible take that the baby isn’t her husbands from what you’ve said . But is it yours?

If she had an affair with OP’s dh and subsequently got pregnant by him, then she did the OP wrong. Just because the dh is married to the OP doesn’t mean the OW is innocent.

No, this woman isn’t any better. But OP’s husband committed the ultimate betrayal here.

I’d be raging at him, not the woman who was being abused and most likely vulnerable and not in a good position.

But I understand the shock and anger OP will be going through. Hopefully she’ll kick her husband out. What a disrespectful loser.

It’s an unwritten rule with men - deny, deny, deny. After all I know about men I’d never want to be involved with one again.

I agree. I mean she knows who the father is.

You should contact her.
If he won’t do the test; I’d assume he knows it’s possible he has a child…
which country is it?? Is there a way he could be forced to do it?

Your husbands behaviour says it all. He cheated and you know it, both of them are disgusting. Now you have to decide if you’re staying in fhe marriage. The kid is his business if he doesn’t want to test he doesn’t have too and you can’t force him.

Sorry I am finding this thread so weird!!

Me and DH have our problems. But if some utterly random woman he knew from years back wrote to him out of the blue demanding tests (= money) and he said I have not slept with her, it's a scam..

My default would be to believe him.

If your automatic assumption is he cheated, you have problems regardless imo.

Also I can well see an innocent person refusing this. A lot of people would find it odd or violating to have to send genetic material off to some lab just cos someone else demands it. I don't see that as a mark of guilt. Is the lab legit, even?