Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

I wonder having you said you had sex before this body count talks- if he actually just wanted you for sex and once he got it- any stupid excuse came up and bye?
Happened to me many times when I was younger ( and stupid) once I slept with a guy, I got dumped.
Had this amazing gorgeous bloke once, literally he seemed so much into me- it was like a true fairy tale..
Once we did it, the texts and calls got lesser and stopped, his excuse was,, he has lots of on,,.

So he’s pissed off because you were honest about the number and he’s had less than you. Wave him bye bye back to his cot and dummy

Some people will be put off by that, some won't. That is their prerogative. I think you should continue to be honest because you can't have a relationship built on lies. If they walk away after that then it's because you were incompatible. I was going to say he was unreasonable and potentially controlling as most adults have a sexual past and there's nothing we can do about that, but if it's something that most people would see as beyond " the norm" then there's a difference. For instance, I would not date someone who was into an extreme fetish that I was not into.

You may not want to hear it but this man would probably have made your life hell as a partner.

It is yes, I don’t think I’ve ever slept with a man who hasn’t said that, it’s just what dudes say,

He asked and you answered, you should never have to hide who you are. If you felt comfortable being honest then so be it.

If it had come out later it could have been disastrous.

Its not a path I have ever trodden but sometimes wish I had, but my/his inhibitions are not your problem, you just do you and be proud of you.

Well, I’ve slept with 80+ people, tbf I’m probably going to be the best many men have slept with 😅

Sorry, just lightening the mood 🙈😅 I wouldn’t dream of boasting like this in real life!

He sounds like an absolute wanker. He's judging you on your sexual past which is really none of his business. Misogyny vibes here all day long

Well you say you wanted to be honest and give him the chance to make an informed decision and that's what he did. He was honest that he found it off-putting and told you in a decent and open way. I don't think you can ask more than that!

Of course it's feels disappointing and it hurts but it was only a week, however much of a connection you felt, you don't really know one another. He might have all sorts of annoying habits you haven't discovered yet!

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. You met someone nice and there's every chance you will again.

Ugh, still feel heavy, sad and disappointed but you’ve all helped, thank you. I know it wouldn’t have worked long term. Whatever about my number, I understand that, but him wanting a partner that has a 1/3 of the ‘body count’ he does or they’re not relationship material is just misogyny really and it’s not what I want.

More than one, less than a thousand is the only answer I have ever given a man, asked by a FWB of over a year.

The reality is I do not know, established after conversations with female friends who still kept count.

I had a pretty high number before meeting my partner of 15 years. Alongside many threesomes and dating women alongside men. (I mean dating both together, when all three of us knew each other)

My partner knows about all of this, but he has no idea of my number. He's never even asked. He used to ask a lot about my dating women, but he was just happily curious!

What matters is that he knows I will NEVER EVER cheat, and I never, ever have. I am very firm on this, and it's non-negotiable. I will never forgive it if it happens to me, and he knows it well.

Surely that's what matters? The fact this man dumped you over your number means he cannot have really been that into you. As long as you were safe, who cares what your number is? It was not "lovely", he was just taking it casually, and he's let you go over the first thing which gave him the ick. He didn't want to stick around and give it a go.

But you have to respect that, it's his choice, and I'm sure you do.

You said it yourself, you’re intelligent, successful and know your own worth. You got on great, and had amazing sex. He’s the one missing out because of his narrow minded insecurities. That’s the biggest ick here.

I'd been single for a while so a friend set me up on a blind date. It went well, he was easy to chat to. He then blew hot and cold for a few weeks before telling me it just wasn't the right time for him to be in a relationship. I was gutted. A couple of months later I met someone else, we've been together for several years and have two wonderful children. So allow yourself to feel sad (although it honestly sounds like you've dodged a bullet), but don't give up on finding someone who is worthy of you.

I have I very close friend in her late 60's, she was a very prim professional, vicars wife type appearance and is as loyal as hell to both friends and her husband of many years,

But people would be surprised to hear that by the time she was 21 she had slept with 100+ people. And she makes no bones about it. She was experimenting, enjoying herself and her view was that if it was OK for a man, it was OK for her.

And, hell no, I could never imagine me doing that, but if she hadn't, she wouldn't be who she is now and she is pretty amazing and has made a big difference to peoples lives,

She even jokes about her history and admits that when she found "THE" connection, she married and has never looked back.

I agree. I also don't understand how he would know op wouldn't cheat when they have only known each other a few days. Surely you cannot say that about each other in such a short space of time.

I agree with you and I’m really sorry this happened but with respect to each of you, I don’t think he was the right person for you by acting in this way. It’s good it ended before it started.

Each to their own it's not for us as its way in the past.
Swiss guy was lovely and walked around in a sarong a lot but sex in back packers hostels is like something out of a bad college rom com from what I remember. I was young and having consensual fun.

DH knows I travelled and had a life before him and vice versa.

Yeah it’s grim. Also by 45 surely most people have slept with more than 5 or 6 people. Like, what other standards does he want?

If you even had one year of casual hook ups in college or something, you’d probably top that number. So are women not allowed that?

I don’t judge him for not wanting to be with someone who has a super extensive history, that’s fair, but… he said he’s fine with sleeping with people in that category - just not dating them. He’s a slut too. And he doesn’t even see it. And worse, way worse, he’s a hypocrite.

It’s nothing in your past that has brought about the end of this budding relationship, OP.
It’s what has happened in his past that has left him insecure and, very probably, jealous.
Insecurity is not an attractive trait and, even if he’d said he would try to move past this, you’d likely have ended up feeling stifled by him.

I wouldn't be too keen either.

What I would NOT do however, is tell that person their body count meant they weren't relationship material for me but good enough for a quick shag every now and then.

I'd never know their number though, because I wouldn't ask.

Your update about FWB makes me think that was in fact what he was looking for all along.

He hasn't bothered to have an STI Test?

Audacious.

Good riddance to him.

Really?

With any serious relationship we have discussed history, but TBH nothing came of it as not really bothered about the past.

But if she had said she was an early version of Bonnie Blue, or if he had said he had paid for sex, is that not something the other person should know?

I fell in love with a man and it all went to shit when he told me he’d had sex with 400 women and swinging involved. I couldn’t get past it. Rightly or wrongly it just seemed revolting.