Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

I like the less than Madonna, more than Princess Di quote from Four Weddings and A Funeral.

Yes. Mine is similar, and for similar reasons! If I ever found myself single again I would absolutely share it. Any man who is going to be put off by my history is not the man for me. It's a fundamental incompatibility.

Honestly, people have a perception about swingers, and it is generally so wrong. I’ve only met lovely people, had good experiences, it’s all been safe, respectful and discreet.

But look, it gives some people the ick and that’s their right. I just wish people actually understood how it really is before they judge.

You really are naive.

NEVER share your sexual history with men, as they cannot comprehend a woman enjoying sex and having multiple partners. It's irrelevant.

I was an escort in my twenties. My husband will never know.

Deep down I know you’re right. It wouldn’t have worked long term. Just wallowing right now, but I’ll pick myself again soon 😔

I personally think it is fine to have this conversation early if they ask and if you are happy to share, it tells you early on who the person is by the fact they asked the question and by their reaction to the answer.

It is also ok to not reply to questions about sexual history early on. I personally just think surely it is better to know his issues after a week than after several months

168 hours. Lesson learned though.

My number is much higher 😂

No, they don't need to know this unless you plan to have an open relationship.

The absolute misogynistic cheek of him saying he would be ok with you only having 5 or 6 previous partners when he himself has had 15. Did he have sex with you before or after the numbers talk?

For what it's worth, I'm the same. If I'm asking someone to share their life with me, they deserve to know my past, because past actions are the best predictor of future actions. Partners, trauma, sex, drugs, infidelity, whatever. It all matters, imo.

Personally, I wouldn't change your approach. Whatever your history, you deserve to be known and accepted as a whole. Even if that means some people aren't a natural fit.

In the long run, you will probably see that he's done you a favour here by being honest and saying it was not something he would ever be able to cope with. Otherwise, he would have felt that you weren't to be trusted because he couldn't get it out of his head, and that is no basis for a relationship.

How did the conversation start? Did he ask, because to me, anyone who asks a) probably has a weird hang up about women (which this guy obviously did!) and b) is an immediate no from me.

Before… no problem jumping into bed with me and adding to my ‘body count’ while we barely know each other, but when I’ve done it I’m not relationship material apparently!

Oh dear 😂

4 inches would not be enough for me.

You have dodged a bullet. I think he wasn't as into you as you were to him, he has deep insecurities, and they would have revealed themselves more over time and you're well shot now.

As far as being open and honest, your number/history is a thing that will put some men off - that's a fact - or it will make them think of you as a certain type of person and thus they will treat you a certain kind of way (asking for fwb for example). If you are an open and honest person you may feel better having that out there from the get go. Not many men are open minded and level headed about this sort of thing, but it will certainly weed out the ones who aren't right for you long term if you tell them up front. I think only you can judge what is the right approach there - but I'd say don't be kicking yourself over ruining things with this one 'perfect' guy who has been put off by something you did. It wasn't meant to be.

Totally.

I'd hate to be in a relationship with secrets that I was worried would cause problems if exposed. Its better IMO to get the potentially controversial stuff out of the way relatively early so you can both decide whether to continue, than later on when feelings are deeper and loves intwined.

Though there's a huge difference between a bloke just outright asking, and it coming up naturally in a conversation.

I think it's a good thing this came up really, because it says more about him than you. I don't mean in his struggling to cope with 80+/swinging, but that he has an acceptable number and it's a third of his. That difference between what he things is acceptable for him and in a girlfriend is concerning.

I also think that talking about numbers can be too simplistic. I'd much prefer a guy who had a few long term relationships following a wild spell in his late teens/following a break up, than a guy who had a only large number of very short relationships, but can't hold down anything longer than a couple of months. The 'number' can be the same, but the context different.

He’s a fool but maybe he’ll be back?
Is it bad I’m interested in your techniques!

It really isn't 'a foundation of lies' to keep your sexual history private!! You're perfectly entitled not to disclose it.

If anyone asks again just ask them why they want to know.

Any man who has a problem with your sexual past is an insecure dickhead.

We discussed previous relationships in the early days but never felt the need to ask him how many people he had slept with nor him to me.
What joy would either of us get discussing previous sexual partners after so many years?!

I'm hardly going to say well darling when travelling in Australia when I was 20 I hooked up with a guy from Switzerland who ripped like anything after studying martial arts in Tibet for 6 months. Nor is he going to turn around and tell me in his year instructing he hooked up with a girl who had amazing boobs and a wash board stomach that surfed every day.

It's not relevant to our lives or our relationship as we enjoy each other and have done for 16 years.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but the people admonishing you early on for revealing your sexual history are wrong. For a man this insecure, your history WOULD have become an issue no matter what you did. If you didn’t reveal it, he was never going to let it go. I’ve been in a serious relationship with an insecure man, and he would have made it your problem NO MATTER how you handled it initially, trust me. So it’s very, very sad, but it never would have worked out with a man this preoccupied by his insecurity.

The number is about 80, and the unusual aspect is swinging.

Rightly or wrongly, that is going to put off a lot of men. Also, if I met a man who made a similar disclosure, I would head for the hills

Meh, tell him to try his luck at the nearest nunnery while you move on to someone more secure and emotionally mature.

The Swiss guy story sounds fun. It's exactly the sort of thing we'd have a giggle at now!

I have always said, "I don't share this number".

End of discussion.

Your past is none of his business. People talk all sorts of shit - I mean its pretty textbook for him to say you were the best he has ever had - just take it all with a pinch of salt.

But I personally wouldn't give details of your past to someone - that's your private information. I am constantly shocked at how people reveal so much to people they hardly know nowadays - it is this weird faux intimacy that lots of messaging online encourages.

Also he is perfectly within his rights to think your swinging/lots of partners is not for him. It is odd the 'red flags' my friends and I have now decided - crazy ex wife being an obvious one but also a very demanding only daughter.