Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

So he’s had 15 partners then told you he wouldn’t be happy with a woman having had more than 5 or 6?!

Hypocritical misogynist prick.

5 days is not a long time. Come on @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis

You can be sad but be realistic too.

I’ve only ever been with my DH (teenage sweethearts!) and there’s no way if I were in a position to do so that I would consider a partner with your history. I’d also be horrified to find out about it down the line so I think you did the right thing and just need to accept that it would never have worked. I do have a friend with a similar history and she’s had two serious relationships since her divorce so there will be plenty of lovely men out there for whom it is not an issue.

Ah look, I am being realistic, and this thread is hammering it home as well.

I had just completely given up on meeting anyone I was interested in, and this guy seemed to just appear like a gift. I enjoyed being excited and positive, and it’s been whipped away, so I’m just sad and feeling very sorry for myself.

Yeah I would be giving a very wide berth to someone who told me they'd had 80 different sex partners - and also been into swinging. Would give me the massive ick! I don't think it was a red flag that he has ended it after finding this out about you @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis I would have ended it too if I had been him.

Lesson learned eh? Don't talk about all your conquests, and your 'non-vanilla' sex life. (I HATE normal sex being called vanilla, it really pisses me off... It's suggesting that normal loving sex between 2 people without anything weird and pervy is boring.')

He did offer a FWB arrangement if I ever wanted it, but I completely declined that and said I was worth more than that, and it wouldn’t be healthy for me.

JHC. And to think they say romance is dead.

I think there are more red flags with him than a Chinese parade.

Yep, 15 partners and never an STI test either.

I'm sorry OP - it's totally normal to feel sad about something like this, because you're letting go of what felt like a world of lovely possibility.

That being said - you've done absolutely nothing wrong, now or in the past. Having lots of safe sex which you enjoyed with other consenting adults is not a crime or anything to be ashamed of.

The fact that he had such an issue with it is indicative of some fairly dubious attitudes about sexual purity on his part, and those would almost certainly have manifest in other uncomfortable ways too, given enough time.

The FWB offer is also highly misogynistic - you're good enough for sex but not for a relationship? Absolutely fucking not, and well done you for knowing your value and immediately shutting this down.

Someone is out there for whom this won't be an issue. This guy would never have been the one.

Its a big red flag that he has a problem with your sexual history - you have had a lucky escape.

your past didn't cost your anything.

your honesty didn't cost you anything.

his insecurity and prejudice and stubborness cost you both everything

It's actually fucking outrageous how fucking dare he and don't you dare be sad about this awful petty small little man

Honestly? A week is nowhere near long enough to form the sort of intimacy that you describe.

They aren’t fashionable any more but I wonder whether you would benefit from The Rules. They are pretty much about taking your time to get to know someone and only revealing personal stuff after you are sure that he is really keen on you. A whole chunk of it is about personal safety too. They are written in rather a twee, North American way but so much of it makes sense.

I must say I am surprised by the amount of people in long marriages, where previous sexual history is still regarded as an off-bounds subject.

I agree. But a lot of men are so much more immature than women and are so fragile they get brain ache when acknowledging their partner didnt walk out of a convent the day before they met their husband. This fact helps though because we can weed out men who haven’t grown up with a bit of history telling. I think they call it haystack burning. Op was lucky that she had a haystack moment because this chap was going to blow his cover at some point. Better now than 3 pets and a car on finance later.

OP you are holding up your morality as an excuse that you didn’t do anything wrong.

If your bestie buys a super ugly dress and says how do I look you can say ‘you look awful
and it’s hideous’ or you can say “Ive seen you in more flattering dresses’ etc.

The point is both are honest but one hurts and one doesnt. You choose the one that hurts.

I’bern with my husband 19 years and I have absolutely no idea how many people he has slept with. I have never told him my number either. It’s not relevant, it’s in the past.

Nooooo...that is not how it works.

Women find it far easier to get laid than a lot of men do so our numbers are higher.

A friend I went to uni with and I discussed our numbers and they were similar and high because of what we referred to back then as 'recreational sex'. She went on to meet and marry a man and about a year after they got married he asked her how many man she had slept with and she (stupidly) told him. Her marriage fell apart because he simply could not cope with the thought as he had only had one relationship before her. She openly said that she wished he had had as much experience as her as it wouldn't have bothered her.

It's your secret to keep. The older he gets, the less likely he is to find a virgin. These men and their egos eh?

I wouldn’t tell my DH because he wouldn’t be my DH if he’d have asked. It’s immaterial. Any man asking that question is asking because they are preparing to value you and that in itself is judgemental, misogynistic and rather grim (or, they have a cuckold kink).

I’ve never asked my DH because it doesn’t matter. If he told me one day that he’d shagged 80 people and indulged in swinging it wouldn’t change anything.

5 or 6 for a 38 year old?! He's cloud cuckoo land for most women unless they have been in a relationship for 15 years!

FWIW he sounds like a walking red flag. I have never discussed my "number" with DH and we have been together 16 years. He has never asked as frankly its in the past.

If the swinging is not something your interested in any longer or in the future then no need to bring it up.

Ah OP how sad. I've only read your posts, not the full thread. But what a shame.

That said, his loss. If he has these preconceptions and can't get past them, he's not the man for you. The FWB things is rather insulting. Like, he can take the moral high ground, but his dick can't?

I think you can do better than that kind of hypocrisy. Better luck next time.

And yes, honesty is the best policy! Some people can't stomach it, and/or can't correlate it with other things that are staring them in the face. That's their failing, not yours.

Well, that will teach him to make assumptions, huh?!

I'm the same, look like a librarian, but have slept with over 100 men, been to swingers clubs etc. Never cheated on anyone.

Noone asks me though. Current DP has no idea, but not really his business.

As Ted Lasso says "there's a reason the rear view mirror is smaller than the windscreen".

”5 or 6 is something he’s comfortable with”. That’s probably not going to be super easy especially with other considerations such as attraction, proximity, life stage etc

You've had a near miss. He sounds uptight and sexist to me

Well actually, he’s 45!

Give some serious thought to the conversations you had to establish all these things in common. Who was leading the questions? You say you are open and honest, how much did you tell him about yourself first before he had these similar backgrounds and values?

Men like him have this down to a fine art to create false intimacy in an extremely short time period, get what they want and then there's an "issue" making a relationship not possible. They are never against continuing casual sex though. Never.

You aren’t obliged to reveal your sexual history. I wouldn’t dream of telling someone how many sexual partners I’ve had. I would talk about significant relationships if asked. If you have no desire to engage in swinging again then it is irrelevant.

Gross.

Did he offer an explanation as to why he considers the acceptable number of sexual partners for a woman to have had is, in his opinion, capped at 1/3 of number of sexual partners he has had?

He doesn’t sound like a catch: he clearly does not view women as his equals.