Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Immediately like on introduction? ‘Hello, my names Holly and I’ve had X number of sexual partners’?

IIRC correctly your preference was for a virgin, so should that also be disclosed on meeting?

I think so too - as a previous poster said, if it wasn't "you're too loose" it would have been something else, like he realised he wasn't over his ex, or he didn't feel ready for commitment, or blah blah.

It's not possible to immediately disclose everything about you that might be a no-no for the other person. I think you need to behave like two middle aged people in this situation and accept and hope that they have had a full and well lived life before they even knew you existed and that's going to be a mixed bag.

I would personally be far less likely to get into a relationship with someone that was actively religious, or right wing, than someone that had shagged 80 people and done some swinging, but I woudn't necessarily expect them to come into the first meeting and tell me how many times a week they go to church, or the full extent of their political beliefs. It would be up to them when they told me, and I'd make a decision as and when they did.

My preference is not a virgin, all I said is that ideally both partners should be virgins when embarking on a marriage, that is all I said. Both - meaning man and woman, so obviously I implied marriage should happen in people's early 20s, that is all.
Not immediately, no, but definitely soon - again, in case a person has such a dangerous (STI-wise and mental-health wise) history. I would not want to fall in love and go on dating a man only to discover, down the line, that he was into swinging (even if in the past) and had so many partners. All that 'practice safe sex' nonsense is just nonsense - and we all know it. Hello, hepatitis and the rest.

He's not misogynistic at all for not wanting to be involved with a swinger who's shagged 80 people!!

It's ridiculous to suggest he is. Ridiculous.

I'm a woman and I wouldn't want a relationship with a man who was a swinger who'd had 80 women either!!

Am I a misandrist for feeling this way? (!) 😕 No!

He's probably saying that he's a jealous type not to hurt your feelings as opposed to what he's really thinking which is WTF?!

Really really odd to be as sexually experienced @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis yet be so naive about people.

My advice, OP, is just to not mention it from now on.

Actually, this may come as a surprise to you but some of us would wonder what those people were going through, and maybe even feel some sympathy. Imagine that!

I'm not trying to paint myself a halo here, I'm just genuinely not a judgemental person unless someone has directly wronged others by their actions (see various world leaders, etc). I strongly believe judgement has its roots in some sort of primal fear of anyone who appears different in any way, but grown adults should be able to get past this and make more balanced evaluations of others.

Actual judgement and condemnation should be reserved for people who are objectively bad, and goodness knows there are plenty of them in the world. I judge Trump, Putin, Farage et al. I don't judge people simply for being humans who may have problems I have no notion of.

Are you generally frightened of people who don't appear 'normal'?

You had a lucky escape, the guy sounds like he’s incredibly insecure and judgmental. Often people like that can become quite controlling, too.

Even after spending hours together, you never got past the first impressions stage. As soon as you did, you found out he’s not relationship material.

If you’ve been out of dating too long, there’s a risk you give your heart away too easily to the first guy who seems like a possible partner. Don’t get attached to him or the memory of him. That meaningful connection you thought you found never existed, otherwise it wouldn’t have come to this.

Really, your past sexual history is nobody’s business, but there’s no harm sharing it with a potential partner. Someone who is right for you would only care about the person you are today, not who you were or who you’ve slept with.

In short, he’s a t*sser and you can do much better!

judgement has its roots in some sort of primal fear of anyone who appears different in any way - this is a healthy part of evolution, to have major fear of those different in any way.

Totally disagree.

There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with refusing a relationship with a swinger who has shagged 80 other people. Nothing.

He may not even be a jealous type, just thinking WTF?! I don't want to be with this woman.

As a straight woman, I certainly would not want to be involved with a swinger.
God only knows what diseases they may have through that number of sexual contacts.

Why shouldn't he be afforded the same right because he's a man?

It’s a difficult one and I’ve been thinking about how I’d feel if I met a man and he’d had lots of women and been swinging.
I think it would make me feel a bit uncomfortable and that he might be comparing me to other women. I think it’d be in my head that he’s done this before, he’s said all this before and how can I complete with that level of sexual expertise!
And I guess for a man that might be even worse as they’re ‘supposed’ to be in the driving seat. If you know what I mean.
it’s crazy but sex equality hasn’t quite got there yet.
im sad for you. I hope you meet another lovely man. So disappointing 💜

Did you have sex with him OP? As it could be he had what he wanted and that was the excuse ?

Misogyny is is blame for the way posters behave / articulate themselves on threads?

It's not lies to say fuck off man child, that's irrelevant and none of your business. It might have been a lovely week, but he's not a lovely person.

Honesty is always the best policy, he shouldn't ask questions he doesn't want to hear the answer to, you did nothing wrong (either in the past, or in that conversation) and the fact he can't deal with the idea of you having slept with other people is a MASSIVE red flag and he's done you a favour walking away.

Jealousy and insecurity, not having resolved his issues from his previous relationship - he'd be a nightmare. He already is a nightmare.

Lucky escape.

I would back away from someone who was into swinging and had 80 partners. It wouldn’t be personal, just a misalignment of values. I would not want to pursue a serious relationship with someone with that type of past. He was honest with you. He isn’t a misogynist, just realistic that you are not for him.

I don’t understand why posters are saying he doesn’t want to be with her due to misogyny, or as he’s shite in bed, and are totally ignoring the women saying they’d not wish to be with a man who had shagged over 80 women by the age of 38 and was a swinger,

on other threads we see people saying you can end a relationship for any reason. But if you end it , when it’s only a few days longer, as you don’t wish to be with someone so promiscuous then it means you’re insecure and shite in bed as well as misogynistic. It makes no sense.

as said, I’d not proceed to a relationship with a man with this level of indiscriminate sexual behaviour, and I’m no shrinking violet. It’s just not for me.

A swinging past would put me off tbh and I’ve had a fair few partners. I think that conversation is for much later in a relationship, if ever.

I think for most of us, the issue is not that he doesn't want a relationship because of her history. It's that he doesn't want a relationship because he thinks she's had too much sex, but he's still willing to continue getting that sex. Plus the fact he wants any partner to have had a third of the number of partners he's had.

"I couldn't have a relationship with you, you buy dinner for too many people. But you can still buy dinner for me!"

Is he allowed to do this? Of course. He can decline a relationship for any reason. But does it make him a misogynistic knob who is happy to get sex from women he views as damaged goods for engaging in it? Also yes.

I think the PP who told OP to draw a line under the nine hour cup of tea had the right idea anyway. They were both talking all sorts of stuff for which it was far too early.

If you think the ideal is for marrying people to both be virgins then surely it’s logical that your preference for a prospective partner would be a virgin.

Fortunately STI tests exist, and people can access them and treatment if needed. The most common STI is HPV, which a vast proportion of men and boys carry without incident. Don’t content yourself with the knowledge that a virgin partner is totally safe in that regard. Hepatitis C can rarely be an STI but is more commonly spread through blood, same with Hep B, and A most commonly via fecal to oral transmission.

I’m not sure why a person who is not a virgin is more likely to have a mental health condition. What’s your evidence for that?

Totally agree. 💯

As if-as if! - any woman would be accused of misandry if the genders were reversed here!

It'd be: you're right to end it, he's extremely promiscuous, can't be trusted not to stick his dick in anything that moves, goodness knows what diseases he's got, you've dodged a bullet and so on.

ALL of which I would totally agree with BTW.

No discerning person wants to be with a swinger, unless they're that way inclined themselves.

Doesn’t look like the two had even kissed and already talking about sexual history!!

Which on of the pair raised that as a topic of conversation a few days in to knowing one another ??

People always post stuff like this as if Mumsnet is a monolith and it is the same posters posting contradictory opinions on different threads.

He can end it for any reason, I think some of us are just sceptical about his ‘reason’ given he was happy to continue to have sex with OP. He can’t be as insecure as he said, therefore he’s being dishonest. If his reason is she’s good enough for sex but not a relationship, that’s both dehumanising and dishonest. I’d rather be in a relationship, casual or otherwise, with a kind and honest swinger than a liar who thought I was a handy piece of meat.

No, your logical chains are not logical. In writing of a preference for both partners being virgin, I clearly specified the age.

Second part of your answer I shall disregard, as a biomed researcher.

And I never said or indeed implied that not a virgin would have a mental health condition. I implied that a person with 80 sex partners and swinging is more likely to have a mental health condition, because this behaviour is classed as depravity among normal people.

Have you even read the OP's posts??