Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

How so? She's obviously OK with no strings sex and he's suggesting they have it.
He probably feels that she would be OK with it and is just laying it out as an option.

She's free to decline it, which she's done.

If she were not a swinger, had not had 80 men, he may not have been so crass as to chance his luck.

She's obviously a person who can entirely separate sex from relationships so nobody is being led on here.

I haven’t no!

To me… it’s a chap who wasn’t half as keen as the Op and used this as an excuse to neatly wind it up.

Bit weird, on a 900 plus post thread

Interesting, what field do you work in?

Again, what is your evidence that people who have 80 sex partners and are into swinging are more likely to have a mental health condition?

As a scientist I’m sure you understand better than most that ‘normal’ has quite a wide range when it comes to human behaviour.

You sound naive but also very pleased with yourself. The latter is what would put me off someone, no matter how well you might think you’re hiding it.

Exactly why i haven’t!

Maybe I’ve not understood what swinging means but I thought it was couples having sex with other couples. In my mind that’s quite different than a person who likes ‘no strings sex’ with a person they’ve expressed interest in a relationship with.

Sure, I can see why he might think he can try his luck, as you put it. But my point is that doesn’t make him a ‘decent guy’ as some have described him, it makes him dishonest at least.

If I went on a date with a guy who said he had had eighty sex partners and was into swinging, I’d think WTF and hit the block button so fast-why wouldn’t a guy think the same? Especially if he coyly said he just wanted to be honest…

You've had plenty of responses but just to add

Being honest with your partner (where asked/necessary) about your sexual history is absolutely the right move. My husband doesn't know my "number" but he knows I've slept which quite a few more people than he has and that's fine because he is

1. Not a misogynist
2. Not insecure

Unfortunately, nice as he may have been, it seems like this man is both of those things, so – with regret – better off out.

I'm not sure your 'number' makes you a type?

It is just a number. People change/times change.

If people judge you for this, especially if it was a while ago... it's pretty narrow minded provided you've been careful/got checked out.

Naive is an understatement.
It's obvious that anybody - of either sex- is going to think twice about having an actual relationship with a swinger who's had sex with 80 people.

As a woman, I would not see a man who told me he was a swinger any more. Definitely not.

Why the heck was the OP thinking about this very short time in terms of a relationship at this extremely early point for anyway?

This is the 'see how it goes, let's get to know each other before we call it an actual relationship' point for most.

I think that the OP has boundary issues in this regard.

You are 38 and sick of dating @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis

Perhaps stop broadcasting your sexual history after only a few days and you might have more success with dating as it obviously hasn’t and isn’t going well for you

But don't you think people should try to look past that and see the bigger picture?

I'm exactly the same. I'd be running for the hills if a guy I was seeing told me he'd slept with 80 women and had been a swinger. You wouldn't see me for dust.

Yep.
And I'll add that she would do well to totally ignore the posters who are calling this misogyny because very, very few women would get involved with a man who was a swinger with 80 odd partners, either!

If we've got a right to get the ick over it-which we blooming well do! - so do guys.

My advice is that she never mentions it again. That'd be smart.

It is odd that @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis hadn’t put 2 and 2 together before now!

He has shown himself to have double standards and is a bit of a misogynistic prick isn't he? He's had 15 but more than 5 or 6 makes you damaged goods? Pah! He can get lost! He wants you to be confident and amazing in bed but also inexperienced, almost virginal?🙄

Offering you a fwb because your bodycount is too high? So insulting! I'd tell him that you were willing to compromise on amazing sex for a good relationship prospect but for a fwb you want someone much better endowed / better in bed and he doesn't make the grade!

This argument only works if you think that any of those women who would reject that man would ask him to stay on as a FWB.