Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

And how far in to dating did the conversation “come up”?

He has more red flags than Denmark!!! You dodged a bullet.

This!!

You’re free to reject any potential partner for any reason, but why insist that ‘anyone’ would run a mile when you’ve seen multiple people say they wouldn’t/haven’t?

In an ideal world, absolutely! We though regrettably live in a 'barbaric slaughterhouse that once was known as humanity' (c).

She's the one with the red flags, not him. He's decided he does not want a relationship with a swinger. As would I.
As would most people.

She's the one who's decided he's the 'one' after several dates, who can't even begin to understand that most people are turned off by the swinging aspect, who overshares, and is also an adult female who gets this upset over a guy she's known for a week.
Not good.

I don’t even know why you would have such a conversation. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and we’ve never once had a discussion about previous sexual experiences. We know each other has had previous partners and I know he lived with someone for a while but we’ve never felt the need to ask how many, if either of us has cheated, had a one night stand or anything of this nature. What does it matter?

Never…. Not Once?? In two decades? You both have no idea how many partners you each had?

She obviously knows he had previous partners but doesn’t feel the need to go into detail about their sex life. I’ve been with my dh for 16 years and know he was married before me and had other girlfriends but we don’t feel the need to quiz each other about it. Now if he had decided after a week that I was the best thing that’s happened to him, got intense and told me he used to be a swinger and had 80 sex partners I. The guise of being ‘honest’, we would never have got married.

My DH of 30 years and I have never discussed it either. We met, knew each other was the one and that we didn’t want to be with anyone else and that was it.

Oh exactly. I’d have looked at him and thought… well at least I haven’t wasted more than a week on this dud.

So he could have been a virgin?

Yes a 29 year old virgin who somehow seemed to know what he was doing, that’s definitely a possibility.

I completely agree with this. I find it extremely hard not to be honest and I completely get why you answered truthfully. The outcome would've been the same further down the line unless you'd lied, and it doesn't sound like that's who you are at all. Hope you can be kind to yourself until you feel better.

Well we are both in the same boat of having no idea!

that's true, but it also makes a man havig sex with 80 women a bit more impressive. They've a actually found 80 women willing to sleep with them. Unless they used sex workers I suppose.

A lot of men will have sex with anyone. They aren't choosy. Women tend to be. i would only have sex with men I fancied, thought were handsome, funny, nice, good mannered, clean and funny. I have most certainly not met 80 of these men. I've probably met about 50 my entire life, and then it naturally filters down with some in relationships, some gay etc. If I was to sleep with 80 men, I would have to really have low standards and just let any guy fuck me, which I would never ever do as I value myself. So a women having sex with 80 men is a bit sad, in my opinion

Perhaps OP attracts more handsome, funny, nice, good mannered, clean men than you do.

I doubt it 😉

I’m guessing you may have imagined lovely things in the future and now that’s not going to happen

after a few days? I think if you’re doing that, especially as a 38 year old woman very seasoned online dater, then you maybe need to pause and ask yourself if you really should be online dating at all.

If we are to take your username as an indication of your age (which it may or may not be, but is a useful example either way) you would be 40. If we remove the first 16 years of your life for obvious reasons, that would give you roughly 24 years of life where sex might legally occur. If you were single for all of those years, you would need to sleep with 3.3 men per year to get to 80 lovers.

That is hardly letting “any man” fuck you. It also strikes me as sad that you don’t think you’ve met 80 handsome, funny, nice, good mannered and clean men in your lifetime.

I absolutely haven't, have you? Not who are also nice, funny etc.

I think the 3.3 a year is a bit of red herring, as I would be a bit wary of anyone who hadn't been in a long term relationship aged 40 (why not?) so if there was one 10 year relationship in there it would be more than 3 a year

And by 'any man' i mean men who have something I don't like about them, boring, unattractive , mean etc

Swinging? Maybe, maybe not.

I think it's far more likely than all of her lovers being ugly, humourless, unpleasant, rude and dirty. She rejected this guy she really liked because he had such a misogynistic attitude, so she clearly isn't desperate for sex offers or validation.

Well... yeah but she did sleep with him and he turned out to be a bit of an arsehole didn't he. So he doesn't meet the criteria of 'nice'