Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Well, that depends.
There is somebody for everybody. There are “men” around that would consider OP and accept her for what she is, I’m sure. Just not as many as you think.
I’m not saying that OP should change the way she is/thinks/acts or be less genuine or lie/deceive, on the contrary.
All I’m saying is that the way she is has made her less appealing to the broad men audience.
If she wants to work on herself she can, more power to her. If she wants to carry on, also fine, it’s up to her.
I’m not the one being judgemental here, I’m the one being honest. The ones that are in bad faith, are the ones that are calling out the man’s behaviour as a red flag when that’s statistically the most likely outcome.

Fucking hell, save us the faux naivity please!

Perfect, I couldn’t have said this better

@LilacBalloons thank you for your excellent posts and having the patience to write so fully and with intelligence

We all got it, mate, we've been warned off female sexuality since year dot, there's an entire horror genre based on it, there's endless sexist slurs for it, men never shut up about it, they seek out largely female spaces to rage about it. We know what men want. We never stop hearing about it.

What you don't get is that many women, like OP, don't care.

She knew it might be a deal breaker, she knew some men don't like it long before she reached her current number. However, she doesn't care and nor should she. It's caused her some hurt today (find me a human who never experienced that) but she doesn't regret her past or who she is and she's not going to let men like you use it to shame or scare her into accepting a situation she doesn't want, even when it costs her. Which is why you're losing your mind over it.

We know a lot of you don't like an experienced woman. We just don't give a shit.

You call it self harm, I call it self respect.

Self respect is not forcing yourself to fit into neat little patriarchal ideas about what constitutes desirability, femininity or value.

I think Agile is trying to point out that a high body count + honesty is going to put alot of new dates off. So maybe don't spend such a long length of time moping about "the one that got away" and accept that revelation will reduce the pool of men that are happy to stick around and continue to date you.

Those are perhaps more helpful than the usual friend comments of it's completely HIM, you dodged a bullet, he's pathetic and you deserve better etc.

It's entirely possible to make such points without perpetuating patriarchal and misogynistic discourse.

Why the use of the inverted commas around "men"?

Yep I’m team hypocritical misogynist prick too. Do these men not hear themselves??

Because he is trying to imply that it is unmanly for a man to enter a relationship with a woman who is too experienced.

He is pretending that he's just delivering objective facts but he has a clear issue not only with women who aren't sufficient Madonnas for him, but also with men who refuse to judge, punish and demote them.

The hypocrisy on MN is astounding! This one - girl power, you go girl, he is an incel idiot, he is intimidated by a strong professional woman, you dodged the bullet.

Nowhere on the same website - I would like to encourage my daughter to follow this ladies example - to swing, and have zillions of sex partners.

And everywhere on the same website - whaaaat, the man said he was into swinging? Disgusting, vomit, vomit, dump him and have a STI test pronto, he must be a reservoir of diseases.

But why am I surprised if posters go 'oh, let him or her choose their way in life, university is not the be-all and end-all in life, he can work as a plumber if he wants', but when it comes to their own children - 'oh,no, anyone knows if Cambridge takes re-sits, because my Sebastian is distraught to have to go to his insurance'.
P.S. Two parallel threads at the moment - a. I don't mind people doing cash-in hand jobs and would never report them. b. I will never employ cash-in hand person, just sacked my cleaner because it is tax fraud.

Hardly lovely. You spent a week getting along and then he essentially called you a slag.

Because this poster cannot fathom or cope with the idea that OP could achieve or be deserving of a nice partner. She is very angry at the idea it could happen, and is rationalising it by perpetuating the fiction that the only person who would be interested in a relationship with OP now is some kind of revolting, seedy degenerate. It's essential to her world view that she maintain the fiction that nice men are only interested in meek, submissive, uneducated, sexually restrained women.

I haven't read all the comments but a high body count is not desirable to most men or women, which I think is the issue, as this is the point at which OP date became uninterested.

However, I accept I've perhaps missed a few pages of comments.

IME having issues this early in dating (a few weeks in) would suggest to me that the relationship probably wasn't as good as OP thought. Sounds like they had a few things in common, some good conversations and this has been romanticized as more meaningful.

But why does anyone need to be judging other people's 'body counts' at all? Assuming a person has remained free of any STDs, I honestly don't see why it should matter.

My DH's 'body count' was pretty high when he met me, higher than most, did it bother me? No, because once we met he only wanted to be with me.

Spot on.
I’ve been called a man and a incel for pointing out the absolute hypocrisy of encouraging such behaviour.
Again, the vast majority of men and women would find that abhorrent, but on mumsnet you always find the outspoken ones are encouraging the worst in others.

After some of the things you've said on this thread, I really don't think you're in the strongest position to be chucking 'shame on...' statements around.

You've been called a man and an incel because you clearly are, and some of your posts were so misogynistic and offensive that they have been deleted.

Well because we're human and we judge people for all sorts of reasons, especially things that are beyond normal or average.

You really wouldn't judge a 50 stone guy stuffing his face in a restaurant?
You wounldn't judge a twitchy guy in rags with needle marks all over their arm?
You wouldn't judge someone outside a hospital door chain smoking whilst hawking up their lungs?

Of course you would. if you didn't certainly the majority of people would.

This isn’t about gender, a lot of people would be put off by a 38 year old swinger who has had sex with 80 people. And everyone is entitled to their view on that. I will defend anyone’s right to be as promiscuous as they wish, but it doesn’t mean that I wish to be in a relationship with that person as our values will differ. I’m a straight woman.

I think this is sick, some perverted pleasure in observing other people's downfall? I also don't believe that they believe it - I think this is all a game.

I have never seen on MN a thread 'I am paying for one child to go to a private school. My husband and I earn a lot and we decided to put one migrant child alongside our child, with just one set of tuition fees, into a private school'. No, not a single thread like that - but they berate Reform and Restore for their policies, because they don't give a damn - their precious child is going to go private, so why should they care that it is the children of numbskull Reform and Restore voters who will have to send their children to state schools with migrant 'children' aged 24?

And because patriarchal ideas don't only affect women, they negatively impact men too

because ‘real’ men want women who are chaste and virginal, isn’t that right @AgileWriter