Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Are you including Richard Tice and Nigel Farage as "numbsculls" ? What has Reform abd migrants to do with this post ?

I don't judge them, though, not as less-worthy. Is that really so unusual?

I've not lived their lives and I know there are many reasons why people find themselves engaging in acts of self harm.

Hello OP.

I am glad you're feeling better today. I have read all of your updates.

Telling sexual history and old stories was something I used to do, but probably no more.

Reason is - I have met and married a super hot man. I did it, found him, because I was following a dating coach who used the concept of 'ten out of ten'. Previously I'd settled for seven out of ten and then wondered why I left them. Anyway 'ten out of ten' relationships do not bring the idea of others into their new relationship.

Initially, I found myself wanting to share with my husband - and he did with me - and we both found that we felt a bit shit afterwards. We were like you, just sharing and baring our souls and talking about our life journeys. But there are some things I didn't need to hear about him, nor him about me, and we came to see it and realised that it harms our relationship.

So massive feminist that I am, I do not tell my husband about times I had sex with other men or men I fancy or when men chat me up etc. These stories remain in my heart, and the relationship we build together is one where we are everything to each other, and do not have images each other with other people. We want to feel secure with each other and that doesn't mean 100% honesty over my orgasm high score and who with.

And FWIW, I reckon you will hear from him again, and I reckon if you do, you will deliberately gloss over stories that might harm the connection...its a funny old world isn't it.

Ideally both men and women should be chaste and virginal when they marry and discover the joys of sex together. But unfortunately we do not live in an ideal world. Unless we talk about 2nd marriages when both man and woman are much older. It did not work out for me this way, unfortunately, but I wish it did.

Nothing like screaming at sexually active women on the internet to suggest you'd be a great one to discover the joys of sex with, hm?

If a professional woman is a ‘girl boss’ is a professional man a ‘boy boss’?

No need to join a convent, just maybe keep a few details to herself in future

Didn't know dating coaches existed! Who is this genius??

Self respecting people don’t usually feel the need to lash out at others, in my experience, because they’re content with themselves and their choices.

I always find it amusing how men complain their wives are not sufficiently interested in sex years after being married. You later hear they picked women with fewer partners (so THEY don't have to feel insecure or inadequate.) These were women who could "restrain themselves ".

Basically it's they not much to do with restraint, it's mostly these women simply turn out to have a lower sex drive than average.

Women like OP who make fabulous sexual partners and have no issues with staying faithful get rejected when these are the very women who would give them a long term satisfactory sex life.

The same seems to go for people who are overweight. They have a great appetite and are fun to cook for. But the downside is of course they struggle to not eat too much. It just seems you get the whole package when you choose a person.

This is such a weird message. Don’t spend time with a man? Agree it doesn’t have to be sexual but you aren’t going to
bond at all if you don’t spend time together. Not will you find out that you are not suited.

He used this as an excuse to finish it I reckon

‘What’s patriarchy?’

Literally describes the key component of patriarchy.

That sounds like a great way for people to get divorced because they’re sexually incompatible

I’m with you. If this is what OP likes surely it will work best to be with a man who likes this as well. How could you possibly settle for once a week with a man who’s had a few serious relationships when you’ve been used to so much more adventure? (I’m the opposite, it would frighten me as I need an emotional connection. But we’re all different.)

Exactly this! As they say, patriarchy hurts men too and if a man is so insecure he struggles to imagine a relationship with someone sexually experienced, he’ll only ever have relationships with women who are not. Which might be great if they’re women who were voracious within a small number of relationships. But it’s a bit of a gamble.

He slut shamed you.
This is just the way 'conventional' people criticize Bonnie Blue. No one has the right to dictate how others live or make their living. Bonnie is now a millionaire and a role model on social media.

I see this as a man who wasn’t keen on taking this forward and so used this as an excuse.

I really don’t think I agree your logic.

find the most promiscuous woman you can so you have a better chance of her wanting to shag you when she’s older? And that having fewer partners means a low sex drive,? Not long term relationships or being discerning over who she shags?

and you should marry a fat person as they are fun to cook for?

I agree lying is a problem,but telling him your whole sexual history lesson than a week is is a bit too in your face.

Respect for oneself but not for others...

I’m not even sure it’s that. Regard for oneself, definitely - pp has that in buckets! - but respect is a bit more seasoned.

Sorry, is it only the depraved who are allowed to lash out at normality by using words like 'vanilla', 'incel', 'repressed', etc.?

Why is calling dirt dirt and white white lashing out?

People on here are anonymous - therefore no personal attacks, only critique of ideas, ways of life, ideologies - what is wrong with expressing a dissenting opinion?

Yes, a lot of people on here say you have to disclose your "body count" - which is ridiculous.