Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Screwfix, Toolstation or B&Q?

🤣🤣

I know what you mean, although there comes a point when ignoring someone is the best response, whether on this thread or elsewhere. You can tell when someone is spoiling for a fight and will continually nitpick in an attempt to win, its so boring. Just report when necessary.

Foundation of lies ? You didn’t need to lie , you can just not say anything.

I think the unreasonable part is spending 5 out of 7 days with a man you have just met. This is fast op and a massive red flag and normally how gaslighting and love bombing begins. Slow down. It gives a false sense of security that you know someone when you don’t. Plus you don’t have to answer his questions. I’m thinking he was too boring in bed for you anyway!

Well it's not as if angry men shouting at women on the internet is a new phenomenon, despite how they always think we've never seen them before. I'd think they must be very young - you know, like every generation thinks it invented sex - but actually they don't seem to outgrow this and they always seem to think it's cutting edge. Guy is probably in his 40s at least.

Well, I sensed a great, big dose of testosterone.

He was trying to win "fights".

Poor thing.

I agree. It's not necessary. He was fishing for information and was more than happy to sleep with the OP.

Evidently, he was there just for sex, but didn't want to admit it.

Sadly I agree they're not all youths. Recent headlines show that many are in fact pretty old & decrepit

Some posters are very upset by the poster saying she is incredible in bed.

TBH, that just reminded me of the scene in the IT Crowd where Douglas consumates his relationship with his new, unbenownst to him, trans girlfriend, and says to her 'Well, you really know your way around that area'!

@AgileWriter

youre being very silly

Hey OP. I think you sound sensible and lovely, I'm sure you will meet someone who will appreciate you. This guy sounds naff-- he was happy to sleep with you and suggest FWB but was either judgy about your past OR used it as an excuse to opt of of the relationship thing. Maybe he was just faking to get sex. Either way, what a loser, you definitely deserve better. Glad you are feeling brighter today.

Hi OP,

Body count of around 100 here - no coercion, lack of self respect, disloyalty or inability to commit and be faithful.

I absolutely loved casual sex when I was younger in between relationships. So much fun! I never tried swinging but if I'd had a partner who was interested I likely would have explored it.

Good for you living your life on your terms.

I know you don't want to hear bullet dodged but I truly believe he was not a good 'un. He didn't want to wait before getting into bed did he? Then he judged you for being 'too easy' generally. Misogyny at its finest.

Good luck with the dating and I hope you find someone lovely.

I wouldn't lie either. I'd say "is this really a conversation we need to have? I respect you had a life before me. All I'm concerned with is how you are with me."

I understand why some posters think you're a man, but I don't believe you are.

I have met women like you many times.

Women who see the way men disrespect, abuse and mistreat us, and think that the solution is to make sure men disrespect, abuse and mistreat other women instead of them.

Women who can't conceive of challenging the status quo, and so shrink and manipulate themselves into the boxes men have designed to subjugate us.

Women who cleave to the fantasy that they will be protected by successful, powerful men as long as they play the role of meek, kind, uneducated little ladies who won't challenge his authority or demand to be seen as an equal.

The reality is, you can't protect yourself from patriarchy by making yourself an agent of it. You are still judged, defined and endangered by the same prejudice and discrimination cast upon 'girl bosses' and Bonnie Blue. The men who judge those women judge you too.

You think you're safe from patriarchy because you're sexually restrained, meek, kind, uneducated, powerless, feminine, docile, submissive? It's time to grow up.

Did the conversation about your history arise after you had sex with him or before?
Because him deciding to end it may have nothing to do with that conversation - that was just his convenient excuse.
Lots and lots of men just want sex. They will pretend to be "looking for a relationship" because that is what the woman wants to hear, but you can't believe everything a man says, especially if he is after sex.

So possibly the truth is that he got what he wanted and then tried to get a regular FWB ongoing convenient shag, but all along he never wanted a relationship.
All of this had nothing to do with your history or your 'number'. I think it would be a mistake to go forward thinking this has anything to do with you.

Two idiots from what i can see.

He is an idiot to judge someone on their sexual past.
You are an idiot for discussing your sexual past.

Discussing your sexual history within the confines of a new relationship is stupid. Unless you are both relaxed about whatever comes then its not a topic to discuss. He is hung up and you are brutally honest. Like oil & water trying to mix.

Well yes - he was happy to have sex but didn't consider her relationship material. Which is a very male way of thinking, although I'm not saying its right.

It’s the patriarchy in the room with us?
Women judge other women too. I don’t think encouraging certain behaviours is liberating or empowering. In fact, I believe it’s self-sabotaging.
My point to OP was, you’ve been given the wrong advice by what you perceive as helpful/supporting women, when in reality they’re lying to you.
And more broadly, the value system that you think applies to relationships and “worth” is completely skewed.
We all find fulfilment in different things, and you do you, but society at large applies a value system that doesn’t take into consideration your education and societal status as a woman as much as other traits (hint: not getting railed by 80 swinging men or doing 1000+ Bonnie Blue stunts).

Finally someone that gets it. OP isn’t considered relationship material due to her swinging past and her boasting attitude towards it. OP is considered FWB material due to being good in bed. Not that hard to understand

I think you have a right to keep that sort of thing private especially if you have had up to date tests to show you are clear from any STD's which is far more pertinent to new sexual partners than a blow by blow account of your previous partners.

I have heard some men do feel insecure if a woman has a lot of previous sexual partners and there is all sorts of nonsense floating about online regarding alpha widows, microchimerism, or that a woman with a lot of sexual partners loses the ability to bond with a new partner. If he's been engaging with that kind of material then he's kind of a lost cause to be honest and you have dodged a bullet.

This isn't the own you think it is

TBH I just don’t understand why anyone would discuss their sexual history with someone they’ve only known for 5 minutes. Did he actually ask? If so, then to me that’d be a red flag, inasmuch as it was none of his business, especially not at such an early stage!

@AgileWriter

what should Op do now then do you think? Join a nunnery? She’s clearly never gonna get a husband, no self respecting man would even considering marrying her would they

Sorry, I misread you in that case.

I have definitely been asked, discussed it openly and I have also wanted to share it - because I wanted to be "known". I'd actually be slightly disappointed if the person I'm intimately involved with had zero curiosity about my past relationships and intimate encounters. I don't really see how they can form a full picture of you otherwise. That may be a personal impression. I also think it creates an atmosphere of honest sharing

I agree that most women wouldn't be happy dating a guy with a body count of 80, and if they did, I would bet good money they would (consciously or subconsciously) be seeking constant reassurance in that relationship. It would be a continuous source of friction.

OP has had a fruitful and varied sex life, which is good for her. But she doesn't get to demand that everyone is ok with it, otherwise they're accused of being misogynistic or an incel.

The average number of sexual partners in the UK is 4 and only 20% of women have 10 or more. So let's not pretend 80+ partners isn't astronomically high and a bit offputting.

Do you think I need to be told women judge women too, when you've used this thread as an opportunity to tell OP that because she's had more sex than average it's the 'only thing' she can do?

Patriarchy isn't 'men do bad things'. It's the entire system by which women are judged, controlled and harmed by different standards than those applied to men, for the express purpose of subjugating women and benefitting men. Many women, like yourself, try to survive by operating within the limitations of patriarchal culture and hoping that perpetuating it will protect you.

What advice do you think OP has received which is wrong? The advice that she's well rid of this man who wanted to use her for sex but not love and cherish her? The advice that she will be happier with someone less judgmental? The advice that she isn't morally wrong or damaged or unethical for having enjoyed safe, consensual sex?

The reality is, it threatens your whole world view to know that there actually are men who will love and appreciate OP and not give the slightest damn that she's had a lot of sex. Because if those men exist, what was the purpose of you following all the rules and fitting into the mould men want? You think it's unfair that a woman can have lots of sex, have a great career, be self-confident, have a high level of self-respect, be unashamed, and still end up happily partnered with a nice man who loves her. That's why your posts are so angry, that's why you're so desperate to make OP feel ashamed. Because it not, what has all your own self harm and self sacrifice been for?