Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Isn't she married with a baby?!

This response to a Tee!

It's not that I have ever been dishonest with my husband, he's never asked and the same back. I knew about the long term relationship he was in he knew some of my previous relationships for me because I shared it when we got together but our past sexual encounters have never really been a topic we are interested in for each other and we have been together 16 years now.

I remember being asked on a date once in my 20s and my response was do you think women keep notches on a bed post and a black book of scores because we don't. In all honesty I actually don't know my "number" I've never sat a done a list and have no interest in doing so. I had 8 years before my husband mostly a combo of short term relationships or flings and the occasional ONS. I don't think I'm unusual for a millennial who wasn't in long term relationships til mid 20s.

Oh contraire. Women who judge other women for how many sexual partners they have are womankind's worst enemy.

And that’s fine! There is somebody in the word for you and for OP.
My point is that the vast majority of “good men” wouldn’t be accepting. You might get lucky and find someone who accepts you and is a good person, but the vast majority of people would run for the hills.
It is a choice. Not a choice I would encourage, like many in the comments are, but hey

Maybe just me but based on his fwb offer and age, I doubt 15 is his real number unless he's been in a very long relationship or two.

Any decent man wont ask, and also wont tell. Because it's no one business either way. Ensuring sexual health is, but you can do that without disclosing numbers or acts. If he was the one that brought it up, then he has overstepped boundaries. If it was you, then, i'm you have. It all sounds very intense for 1 week. Think about your boundaraies and go slower, but always stay away from conversations like this.

@AgileWriter

what are the consequences of me and educated professional as a woman? Will I be a lonely old childless spinster surrounded by cats lamenting my poor choices??

No, no.

Do not project your hatred onto other women.

You're our worst enemy.

Agreed, especially given his willingness to jump into bed after a week. People with concerns around the number of sexual partners they or their partners have don't tend to do things like that.

It is so, so funny watching you lose your furious little mind because she rejected the guy's kind offer of uncommitted sex when you think that she should be grateful for anything at all due to her history.

You're even madder that she did it despite it hurting her, because she's human and she did like him. Because that means that even when it costs her a bit, she still knows she's worth more than what your incelly rage would have her believe. Like I said: we know, we just don't care. You think she got to 80 before she heard that some men wouldn't like it? And you think everyone else is naive?

Deal with it/coffee/truth/Rosebud!

It’s not about judging, it’s about giving bad advice. Encouraging women to behave that way without making them aware of the consequences is not good advice, it’s not empowering and it’s not liberating. It’s misleading at best, in bad faith at worst

Just stop telling random people how many sexual partners you've had. It's bizarre and too personal to share. I don't even know how many! I don't care about other people either.

I'm wondering if she's the man OP rejected 🤣🤣

But you're not any "type of person". You're a woman (presumably) who had consensual sex in the past. So fucking what. I also have a high number because I had a fun and wild youth, and anyone who thinks that in some way taints me or says anything about my character is not someone I'd want to pursue a relationship with, because our fundamental values are not aligned. It sounds like you have some internalised shame and misogyny around your sexual past which you really shouldn't have. Did you want to do all that shagging? Yes? did you enjoy it? Yes? Then that's all that matters.

It is also true though that anyone can end a date/budding relationship for any reason, as is often said on here, and I do agree with the previous poster who said he at least showed some insight into himself even if he decided not to work on his issues. He is correct though when he says this is entirely driven by his insecurity. Don't start twisting that into some narrative that says you did something wrong or have something to apologise for. And if anyone asks you your 'number' in future tell them its none of their business.

You go girl! Strong independent woman, don’t need no man! Slay queen!
Crying on Mumsnet at 38 after another rejection

By the sound of it, OP would hardly be the only one. 80 would be a kind estimate in this case...

Oh, dear.

Are you feeling okay? Where is this anger originating from?

Excellent considered points @AgileWriter

Goodness me 🤣

Her fury and rage are making me howl with laughter.

I can imagine her frothing at the mouth, furiously tapping her keyboard or screen.

I wouldn't want anything to do anyone of either sex who was into swinging and had had 80 sexual partners. Its not internalised misogyny to say that's foul. My opinion is no different regardless of sex

Honestly I'd rather do that than mantrum on MN about how terrified I am of sexually active single women. You know there's an entire horror genre based on that? No need to feel so alone.

@AgileWriter is so sure that OP is going to be alone because she's single at 38 and has a colourful past. @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis I was 38 when I met my DH. Had a good number under my belt when I met him and doubled it since then. You have no reason to think you won't find your person! Have you tried feeld for dating?

It's a man.

I disagree. Your argue reinforces misogyny and the puritanical ideals of womanhood which we dispensed with in the 60s.

Certainly sounds as if they are