Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

@Pinkypromise43

NO ONE is entitled to know everything single thing about you, no one.

@AngelinaFibres

your internalised misogyny is grim.

The 'one thing' she's good at?

Wow are you a bitch.

There's a very small percentage of men who are happy to eat vegan only at home.
There's a very small percentage of men willing to live with someone else's moody teenager.
There's a very small percentage of men who are comfortable with their wife being the higger earner
There's a very small percentage of men willing to genuinely do 50/50 domestic chores.
So what if the potential dating pool is smaller for a condition I find non negotiable? As you can see above I have a good number of non negotiables. Accepting my sexual history is just one of them.
Women should not shrink themselves to be attractive to a bigger pool of men.

@AgileWriter

“The kind, gentle, modest cashier will always be more attractive than the better educated, boastful swinging boss lady. Not even close.“

lol.

It's a fact but you tell me to do my own research? Ok

I wouldn't have had so many early dates in such a short time, it's better to spread them out a little so you can properly reflect on what they're like. For example you thought he was nice and fun and then quickly realised he's a misogynist.

I’ve been really surprised by the number of people who have said they would never be honest about their sexual history. I suppose I’m probably a bit too honest, maybe I’ll think about strategies to approach this/sidestep it if it were to come up again, without actually being untruthful.

I think you’ll find that most of us said it wasn’t anyone’s business. Honesty doesn’t really come into it. Please do not sidestep or shy away from the question. Respond to it directly with ‘that’s none of your business’. Or, better yet, immediately drop any man who asks.

Wishing you the best of luck in your future dating. 💗

Did you read someone say otherwise?

Nobody has an automatic right to whole dating pool you fucking weirdo.

No one even mentioned entitlement

Exactly 🤮

Shouldn't you be over on Tattle with all the other pearl clutching judgemental cunts?

Although judging from the hate spewing I would not be surprised if you were a man typing all this shit.

That’s fine. You do you 👍

I don't get how you build intimacy by dodging questions, sorry. If OP wants deep and intimate connections she'll probably want to feel fully accepted for who she is.

Extremely judgemental @AngelinaFibres

Who uses the c word 🤢

@SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes I agree.
My list of non-negotiables were similar to many you described - no children of his own (didn't want and couldn't afford a blended family), must accept that my two youngish children will always take priority, comfortable with me being the higher earner, must do 50/50 with household tasks etc.
In fact, I set these out in my dating profile after I was sick of going on dates with time-wasters!
So if the OP is comfortable with her lifestyle and what she does, why should she change it to suit a man?
She will need to hold out for someone who is compatible.
Yes it will take time, but best to get it right.

Next time don't share your extensive sexual history with someone at this early stage it could put them off and unfortunately has. Wish you well in future.

If you don’t plan on continuing to swing in the future then I wouldn’t mention it, as rightly or wrongly, it will put some people off. If you don’t plan on doing it again then it’s irrelevant information as well.

I’ve been really surprised by the number of people who have said they would never be honest about their sexual history. I suppose I’m probably a bit too honest, maybe I’ll think about strategies to approach this/sidestep it if it were to come up again, without actually being untruthful.

I've never disclosed my sexual history to anyone and Ive never asked about anyone else's either. If anyone has mentioned their sexual history, I've told them I don't want to know. If they've asked about mine, I've said I've no interest in sharing.

I've never been able to understand why anyone would want to know and can't see any positive reason why it would be necessary.

Ultimately, I think the whole thing was rushed.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat.

You saw him a few times across the course of a single week. He can't possibly know whether you are trustworthy nor whether you are likely to cheat or not.

I was just browsing and came across this post this morning and was so glad to see your message this morning as I was getting quite angry for you! The amount of judgemental people is bonkers. People are allowed to have different wants and needs and it's all perfectly healthy!

To the person who said not all women want to be there....not all women want to be there in monogamous sexual encounters either.....it is not a swinging problem, it's a society problem.

To the people questioning your morals....what horseshit. I imagine 80 people seeing your ankles back in Victorian times would have had you vilified but social constructs change and us having more freedom in our intimate lives has come a long way. How shocking that someone can be a good person and have sex with more than 1 person in their life 🙄

Anyway he sounded like a dipshit and a walking red flag, it sounded a bit love bomby as well which is always hard to get over as the dopamine high is a good one! But you are definitely worth more than that. Good luck!

To

Cool. I very specifically said she should not dodge the question.

And, as many of us have stated, multiple times, this is not a question that has ever even come up in our ‘deep and intimate connections’. Not once in my dating life or my decade long marriage have I ever been asked. As it’s nobody’s business and not particularly interesting.

Oh sweet delicate Pinkypromise, do you require some smelling salts? I believe the vapour might be able to rouse you from your stupor, it really can be such a harsh shock to the system hearing an anglo saxon word that many, many people use.