Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Of course you scared him off. Experience is one thing. Eighty partners and swinging is just grim .

Morning!

Have read most of the comments, ignoring the completely ridiculous, presumptive, misogynistic or simply deranged ones!

Thanks to everyone for commenting. I’ve woken up this morning feeling brighter and have even had a bit of a laugh about the whole situation. Ultimately, I’m really glad I was honest so early, it just highlighted that we’re not compatible long term and the relationship would likely have been a disaster.

Not here to debate the pros and cons of swinging. All I can say is that the approach I took to it resulted in lots of fun, with lovely, willing and consenting people.

I’ve been really surprised by the number of people who have said they would never be honest about their sexual history. I suppose I’m probably a bit too honest, maybe I’ll think about strategies to approach this/sidestep it if it were to come up again, without actually being untruthful.

Anyway, funnily enough, the whole thing has actually proven that I am actually ready to date again. My sense of self worth is pretty solid, I know I won’t put up with being treated as less than by someone who doesn’t appreciate the genuinely good person I am so that’s a win ☺️

Thanks all, have a lovely day x

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis there may be a lot of reasons this has come to an end and he may very well be turned of with the sexual history.
BUT A CRUICIAL CRUCIAL RULE IS: Do NOT do long dates so early!! It almost always kills whatever is growing. almost always. Yes some people go into to marry about one 9 hour date…but it almost always kills the connection. Do not engineer false intimacy so soon - false intimacy comes from too much time spent together and sex.
YOU will bond with him if you engineer it so early but he WONT.
I think you said you also saw him for coffee the next day? Then had a 9 hour meeting then went for a meal??????
You saw him too many times in just one week. Great bonding for you, but men don’t bond that way. In the beginning things need to be short and sweet. A date once a week and for no more than 2 hours.
i know these rules sound ridiculous but it protects you and your feelings and allows you to get to know someone through TIME. Because look, you’re cut up about it now. Also it actually allows the guy to get to know you and develop feelings for you.

Firstly, this is way too much to disclose this early on. I don’t think it’s appropriate to share your sexual history with a man you’ve known a week. Did he ask you the question, or did you offer up this information yourself? I can see why a man would be put off someone with a history of swinging.

What I find vulgar however is that he was still considering to see you in a FWB situation. This to me is so disrespectful and shows that he only sees you as good for sex, and not worthy of a relationship - which of course you are, and you are fully deserving of.

Kick him to the curb gal. No matter how much you may have got on initially, this would put me right off!!!

It’s good that you are ready to date again, but did you go straight round his house for a cup of tea? He could’ve been a murderer if so. Stay safe and hope you find a decent guy.

I’m really sorry things didn’t work out, I’ve certainly had that feeling with someone and all the hope and excitement and then it just abruptly hit a wall. It is gutting.
I think though,that that in such a short space of time it is about attraction and you are mourning what could have been, what could it have lead to.
It may well have been genuine for you both. Or it may have been performed by him to some extent to culminate in sex at the end of the week. I wonder if the number of partners thing was just something he latched on to do what he was planning to do anyway which was to set up a FWB thing. His supposed concerns about his own insecurity seem to disappear for that set up.
I don’t think the info about past partners necessarily has to be shared and it certainly doesn’t at such an early point in a relationship. My DH and have never asked each other and I don’t really care.
But if you feel it is important to tell a partner, then its perhaps the timing to consider and this was just too early as you only have a vague sense of who this guy really is.
Anyway, all the best x

I'm a bit unclear on something, did you tell him your number before or after you'd slept with him? On the face of it, it would make him somewhat hypocritical to have an issue with it and still sleep with you if it was disclosed before, but ultimately people can and do change their minds about someone for all sorts of weird reasons.

You're well within your rights to have as much sex as you want, of course. But people (both men and women) are likely to judge you negatively if it's higher than the average person. I can't imagine many women would want a man who had a number in the thousands, for instance, or equally many men wanting a woman who had a Bonnie Blue type number. No matter how nice a person you might otherwise be, for some people that will be an 'ick'.

And it doesn't make them a bad person to have that reaction, either. So I think some of the vitriol expressed towards this man on this thread is a bit over the top.

Agree 💯 with a PP, you have to keep dates short and sweet in the beginning, men do not bond the way we do, they find it too intense to spend that much time with someone early on. Also, as swinging wasn’t something you were interested in doing again, I probably would not have brought it up.

You're missing the point hugely. Where was his 'sexual restraint'? Where are the morals and values he expects in a partner? This is hypocrisy and misogyny. No issue whatsoever with a person of either sex who wants to share sexual values with a partner - but stand by your values then and don't jump into bed with someone after a week without discussing this first!

Who discusses their number of sexual partners within a week? What is wrong with you? You are a grown woman and it is none of his business. I am on my second marriage to my wonderful husband of 9 years and never once, not once have we asked each other how many sexual partners we have each had. Because we are not teenagers. It’s childish and ridiculous

That kind of echoes something I and another pp wrote upthread. That’s a pretty exciting challenge for the OP - to take things slowly and build up the relationship rather than the intensity of this week-long “date”, however you want to describe it.

Forgot to add the post I was quoting!

Not the point.
You seem to think that education is an attractive trait, I’m telling you it’s not necessarily one, or at least not one that as the top of men’s list.
The kind, gentle, modest cashier will always be more attractive than the better educated, boastful swinging boss lady. Not even close.
Men don’t have a problem with successful women, they have a problem with manly personality traits, the ones that OP is displaying in her replies and her past behaviour.
However you want to paint it, a body count of 80 + swinging is not “normal” behaviour, so why would a “normal” man not run for the hills?
So don’t deflect to education or professional status. Men have been providing for less educated women for centuries, the lack of education has never been an issue; a body count of 80 would have.

He offered a FWB arrangement….. so happy to have sex with you despite your sexual past, but not happy enough to date you? You realise that your sexual past is nothing to do with it right? With that said, no, don’t ever tell anyone about your ‘number’ or your swinging. As it isn’t their business and not only that; it doesn’t and shouldn’t matter. And FYI 80 isn’t that unusual.

I agree with this. My sexual history is part of my story and who I am. I'm not hiding that from a partner!

Having read all your posts, I know it hurts, but I think you had a lucky escape.

He is a 45 year old player, which is frankly tragic. He engaged in you in a way that made you feel special, had sex with you then revoltingly requested FWB, like that is all he assessed you to be good for, when in reality, he is a misogynist that got what he wanted for you then used your sexual history as an excuse to finish things.

If it was not that, he would have picked on something else and used that as an excuse to cool things down as he got what he wanted from you.

No normal 45 year old man acts like that, nor expects someone to have slept with less people than they have. Let me guess he was charming, attentive, interesting until he got what he wanted. I am really sorry you got played by this creep, feel it then let it go, he was not who you thought he was, but who he wanted you to think he was.

Sounds like you have dodged a massive bullet. Will feel crummy for a few weeks but lucky escape. I'm also super (too) honest - its not a failing its a useful screening tool! I couldn't be with someone that didn't know the truth of me and my history and don't want to keep that from a significant other.

Would you have sex with someone after a week and then reject them afterwards for their sexual past?

My husband has no problem with it - his is higher than mine and we accomplished a lot of them together!

If this level of insecurity was apparent after a week, I’d say that’s just the tip of the iceberg and you’ve definitely had a lucky escape. No matter how lovely he appeared to be. Insecurity breeds a lot of ugly behaviour. He’s done you a favour by being upfront from the beginning.

Oh grow up

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis I’m not sure you had a lovely thing- an alternative (given you don’t know this person well) is that he was love bombing you and all this making you feel bad about yourself due to your number could be the start of control etc, if he comes back in and out of your life-you’ll never be quite good enough in his eyes- it’s BS.

its a massive red flag but I’d really ask you to take a step back and think why this randoms opinion of you has emotionally affected you like this . Yea ypu liked him but we both know nothing changes about a person when they have sex with other people. If you are safe and don’t have an STI then there is no difference physically. No one can tell. To believe anything else is literal incel ideology linking a woman’s worth to purity etc.

he has shown you that is his belief system. To me that’s abhorrent so not someone I would even want in my life. So why is it throwing you? Block and delete. You don’t need this drama from another adult!

plus your number is your business. Only insecure, misogynist types would ask for it, as it only matters to them. Just him asking you should be a red flag for you. Practice a response of ‘that’s private and not relevant ‘ or whatever. Then ask them why it matters. You’ll see from their response if they really are a prince or not! But is there something here with confidence or self esteem that meant you didn’t pick up on this being a red flag?

So what? I keep certain things to myself.

OP There is just one thing that bothers me....this bloke lives literally a few doors away from you. What are you going to do if you come across him again ? This may happen and you need to be prepared emotionally for this.

@AgileWriter

yep, you’ve just confirmed it. You don’t like women being in power. Oh honey. It’s ok, there’s no need to be threatened.