Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

It’s curious you didn’t answer the question. People have assumed he asked you. But you never said that he asked you. You simply said it came up.

Sooooooo much INTERNALISED MISOGYNY on this thread! Some of you really should be ashamed. So many of you have internalised misogynist beliefs that women who have casual sex are bad and morally bankrupt, women cannot possibly enjoy sex for the sake of it but because they have chronically low self esteem, women who have had more than a certain amount of partners are less appealing and desirable, blah blah blah, I could go on….its such utter BULLSHIT! Wake up women! The patriarchy has really gotten under your skin.

Your number is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Makes me so mad that this is a thing. You do not owe anyone an explanation and you do not need to tell people. You’re a grown woman and as long as you feel that these were consensual then absolutely fine.

This is an awful comment and I hope it gets removed. Shame on you.

There is a difference between watching porn and be willing to be in a relationship with a pornstar, right?

@AgileWriter

how do YOU know that she is only good at one thing, sex? Know her personally do you?

And did you miss the bit about her being a highly successful professional?? Clearly she has other strengths and abilities too.

misogynist.

There's also the simple fact that the more people you sleep with, without an emotional bond, the harder it is for you in future to bond to partners

What is your evidence for that? Can you cite any research? I suspect you're putting the cart before the horse actually. Personally I believe my preference for casual relationships stems from my avoidant attachment style, which makes it harder for me to form emotional attachments to romantic partners. It would be a misunderstanding of the psychological mechanisms at play to say the more casual relationships I had, the harder to bond with partners; rather it's I find it hard to bond with partners therefore I have more casual relationships. (This is all historical, I am now very happily married)
I feel like you've made an assumption here possibly based on your own relationship behaviour and extrapolated it to a theory that really isn't evidenced in reality.

Did you miss a bit where he slept with her and then suggested FWB arrangement? Of that he slept with 15 people himself and never had an STI test? This is not what you have said about your preferences of only sleeping with someone who have a proper connection with (which is fair). His "preferences" only apply to his partner, not to himself.

This.
There is only a very small % of men that would stomach this.
OP’s choice is whether to be honest with them and herself and accept it, or lie/avoid the topic forever.
There is no shame in having a sexual history, but you don’t have an automatic right to the whole dating pool if you have this kind of past.
Shame on everyone suggesting to lie about it, you’re the same people that would be all up in arms if a man lied about anything.

It’s really interesting to have a viewpoint from someone who was actually involved in swinging rather than us who are only guessing. All what you’ve posted makes a lot of sense

It is a fact, you can look it up and do your own research, it’s widely available.
And the previous comment is spot on in describing the type(s) of people involved in such practices

I would say re: being good in bed - well, practice makes perfect and if she is relaxed and confident this is always a massive boost to performance.

I slept with someone who had a lot of partners and with guys who were clearly inexperienced. There was a big difference - both in their behaviour, and in their performance.

But is glaringly obvious OP has developed her bedroom skills at the expense of learning to develop a proper relationship, she sounds hugely naïve for her age.

Most men would pick the Tesco cashier with a couple meaningful relationships under her belt and a body count of 2, over the boss lady with a body count of 80 and a passion for swinging.
Wake up and smell the coffee

I think you have a twisted view of what sex is and where it stands in a relationship

Yes, the kind of men who salivates over average looking 23 year old with no GCSEs to her name - just because, you know, 23 - and tells a 40 year old beautiful professional woman she is an old hag and no one will have her?

Women are women’s worst enemy. Not many people being honest with OP, the vast majority is saying “you go girl, red flag, his loss, dodged a bullet” etc.
The reality is that your past history makes you damaged goods in the eyes of >95% of men, who wouldn’t go past FWB with you.

I don't think that not telling someone your past sexual history is lying, not even by omission. A new partner may find your behaviour odd and overwhelming after only a week together. Unless someone asks and even then you don't owe information. Acknowledging the existence of previous long term relationships fine if it comes up..To me it sounds like you had a lucky escape,even if it doesn't seem like that now. He was by his own admission too insecure to cope with the information ( which is at least honest) and would probably prefer to marry a virgin if he can find one! A mature man who was really into you would not have ended things over this.

I don’t think you understand biology or human behaviour at all.

It's the double standards and hypocrisy for me, as well as the lack of responsibility for his sexual health and therefore potential partners, combined with his willingness to have casual sex after a week whilst simultaneously expecting a partner in her late 30s to have a number of partners in the single digits. It's not the fact that he's put off by her history that means she dodged a bullet, it's all the rest of it.

@AgileWriter

im smelling your misogyny and small mindedness.

you can only speak for yourself if you’re a man ot if you’re a woman the men you know, because the men I know would go for the woman that they liked most, were most attracted to etc irrespective of their body count.

sounds like you may have a bit of an issue actually with women having high powered careers….

No I wouldn't care if a man lied about this because I wouldn't know. It's not like these guys are getting get a PI on the case to find out or there's a national registry or something. The past is the past. If she was an actual sex worker sure or a porn star maybe.

But people have pasts and they are allowed to move on. I had a promiscuous phase as a teen and fucked way more men than I should have due to severe child abuse and neglect (my 'body count' is 16 including a 27 year marriage). I really don't think we owe our partners a number when it comes to sexual history.

Sorry but I'm with him. If I met a man who was into swinging and had had 80 sexual you wouldn't see me for dust.

Very interesting post.