Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Could he be any more hypocritical - happy to casually sleep with you but doesn’t like the number of people you’ve slept with???

Although I know this really hurts now (I’ve been in a similar short-term, big connection situation), I think you’ve had a lucky escape.

I don’t think you were wrong to tell him OP. I met my DH many years ago and I made myself a promise back then that I wouldn’t pretend to be someone I wasn’t. Your past is your past, no need to be ashamed of it or hide it. If someone needs an edited version of you, they are not your person. You deserve to find someone who loves you for who you are 💕

This!

I'm gonna be honest, sexual history is important to me when it comes to dating.
I'm 37 and only had one previous partner, he was the only person i've ever even kissed.
I have to love somebody and be in an exclusive relationship that's intended for the long haul to do anything sexual, and i want a partner with a similar outlook on sex.
I could never date a man who has had a one night stand, a casual/FWB arrangement, has tried a threesome/swinging, or a large number of short term relationship sexual partners.
5 previous sexual partners is my limit, provided they were in long term relationships with those partners.
It's really no more controversial than not wanting to date a former sex worker/adult star or someone who has put out OF style content.
If that makes my potential dating pool small, either because there aren't many men that fit those parameters, or they don't like my preferences, so be it, i'm happy being single.
So i don't think this guy has done anything wrong, he's got a preference and you aren't compatible. He isn't shaming you, just being honest that it doesn't work for him to be with someone with your sexual past.

This theory completely fell apart at the point when he asked OP to stick around as a FWB.

OP, I'm very sorry this happened and think you're absolutely entitled to feel sad. A week of seeing each other a lot is plenty of time to have thought about and started looking forward to all the good things you expected might come next. And being broken up with very suddenly when things seemed to have really taken off is always a shock.

Maybe the lessons here are 1) as PPs have said, to think about whether there's a way to be honest without being quite so explicit. Nobody has asked me my "number" since my early twenties- it feels like a weird amount of detail to go into, like coming out of the loo and describing exactly what you did in there. You can give a general indication where it's relevant!

It's a criticism of him for asking, not you for sharing, but maybe you should develop a strategy for how you handle it next time.

And 2) maybe next time you have a great connection, you need to think about building in breaks and boundaries so that you build up slowly and manage your own expectations. After all, time apart to think about each other is part of the fun. Think of it like retinol- it's a good thing, but you need to limit your exposure at first to avoid getting burned..

One caveat: sorry, but I do think the "I am good at sex because I've slept with lots of people" stuff is a bit childish at your age. Since we all like different things in bed, it doesn't work like that- yes, you might have tried a lot of things, but it's about how you communicate with the partner in front of you (or underneath etc...).

The men in my life with the most previous partners were almost unfailingly the worst. That's not to say you and he didn't have a fantastic experience- clearly he thought you did! But it's not a given, because sex isn't a question of reaching some objective athletic standard. If it were, we'd all be useless after 35...

what a bigot he sounds
he doesnt approve but he wants a piece of it!

well maybe you are a bit different if that’s something he could personally never countenance, and that’s ok. It also reveals more about him than you. You can look back on it as a lovely week whilst also remembering he might be someone who forms intense connections very easily/well and has a knack for making women feel like you did.

This!! Sorry but I find it very odd you discussed this during a week. If something had come up about exes I would have been vague and moved the conversation on. I know very little about my DH sex life before we met, and vice versa, and I am fine with that.

Men are jealous creatures. Even if they say they aren't. Never answer this question honestly again. Especially if you have had tons of partners which it sounds like you have.

There probably isn't a man on earth that could stomach hearing that. I mean it's really really high. That's great for you and I applaud your sexual appetites and experience and wish I had them but no you do not need to tell anyone this and you shouldn't. Round it down to like 12...

i agree
most men would feel insecure by your sexual history

But he has done something wrong, hasn't he? He has told OP he's looking for a relationship and wants a real connection, and then upon finding out about her sexual history has told her he no longer considers her suitable for a relationship, but would happily continue to have sex with her.

If you think that's ok, it's evidence of a profoundly disrespectful attitude to other people. It suggests you think it's ok to use people for sex with no regard for their emotional well-being. I suspect you would not be ok if a man told you 'I'm only interested in having a relationship with a virgin so I don't want to pursue one with you but I'm happy for us to have casual sex.'

You have every right to eliminate prospective romantic partners on literally any basis you wish, but telling someone they're fit for casual sex but nothing more is completely inappropriate and actually very cruel. The fact that this guy totally love bombed and future faked OP makes it worse.

I agree he is probably perfectly average, but he's not nice. A nice man wouldn't suggest they continue having sex but not a relationship.

Luckily OP has a good sense of her own self-worth and shut that shit down immediately but imagine the damage he would have done (and likely has done) to a woman who was emotionally vulnerable or had low self-esteem by using her for sex while telling her she wasn't fit for a relationship. How absolutely cruel.

You forgot modest….😂

The 'he's just a nice guy with a preference' apologists are completely ignoring that he was perfectly happy for OP to stick around as a FWB.

So I wanted to add a few thoughts here.

I had a similar experience - I'd been dating on and off for ages but with no luck. Then I met an amazing man - great chemistry, laughs, mutual attraction - and we had a whirlwind 7 days together like OP described. I was so thrilled. A day later he sent me a text saying he didn't think he was over his ex and promptly ghosted me. I was so, so sad - of course I knew I'd only known him a week etc but it took me absolutely ages to feel like I wanted to date again.

It takes a huge amount of effort to be on the dating scene. For anyone who met there partner by chance, or at uni when you were in your 20s, you may not appreciate this. You have to wade through all the time wasters online, muster up enthusiasm to go out a meet people, deal with other people's insecurities (relevant here!) all whilst having an open mind and heart willing to believe that there is a right partner out there. It is not easy and I'm sure OP has some funny/terrible stories to tell about her adventures in dating.

To OP - give yourself time to be heartbroken and frustrated about how this encounter has ended. Then take heart that there are still people out there you can and will have chemistry with in the future.

He's likely one of those manosphere bodycount wankers.

There is no reason to discuss such things apart from STD results anything else is irrelevant.

He is anything but "decent"... I would say - very old fashioned and judgemental.

Soul mate or not no one owns your body.

his reaction to your sexual history is a massive red flag. If you’d stayed together he would have made your life a misery with his insecurity. Your ‘instant click’ makes me think there was some sort of live bombing going on - honestly, you’ve had a lucky escape and should be thankful you’ve not ended up in some jealousy ridden, controlling, manipulative relationship.
regardless of body count you shouldn’t have to lie. The right man will accept it and not care about it. Not surprised at the amount of women here who also judge a woman on body count. It’s ridiculous how backwards some people are.

The BBC made a documentary didn't they, about women being coerced by their partners into swinging. I believe that happens 100% because men be coercive across the board so why not in swinging? But I also know like you do that every single woman I've interacted with in a club or party has been fully willing just as I was. I've also seen women at clubs where I have thought 🤔 either they are really shy/under confident or they don't actually want to be there. I've also seen women who are clearly being paid to accompany men. There is a definite seedy and coercive side to swinging just like any sexual practice or environment.

I didn't see the part about him offering you FWB but not wanting a relationship. What a loser. The gall of this guy? You definitely did dodge a bullet here. And I wanted to add that I love your sexual history I think it's awesome you have sampled so many fine men and hope you continue to.

You don't have to be totally truthful to the men you know. Take a leaf out of your grandmother's book. Patriarchy hasn't changed as much as you might think.

A 'decent guy' wouldn't sleep with a woman before having this conversation if it was a deal-breaker though don't you think? A 'decent guy' wouldn't take the risk of sleeping with a woman who is interested in a relationship with him just to have to drop her because their values don't align?