Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

How???

My immediate reaction. You didn't have to lie. You just had to shut the whole topic down because it's an undignified subject and none of his business.

Back in the day this just wasn't something men dwelt on, or felt at liberty to ask a potential girlfriend about.

I’ve been with my husband for 22 years and we have no idea how many people we have both slept with! I can’t imagine having this conversation so early on if at all

So he would be happy with 5 or 6 for his partner, but he’s had 15? That’s your red flag… that and not having an STD test.

But I wouldn’t date a man who had been swinging and had had sex with 80 women either, so my feeling is you are simply incompatible.

I would ordinarily think you shouldn’t tell a partner a number - I have been with my husband for 11 years and married for six and I don’t know his and he doesn’t know mine - but I think your level of experience is such that you actually should share some info early on. I have a sense of my husband’s sexual history without ever needing to ask for details about a past that doesn’t affect me, but 80/ swinging would shape my view of whether I was compatible with someone (ie that I wasn’t).

On the being heartbroken part, I feel people are being a bit hard on you. Sometimes you click early and it is a punch to the gut when they end it. I would suggest - politely - that you shouldn’t rush into bed so quickly next time, check your compatibility first if you really like someone.

If this is at all a help, I had a not dissimilar situation just before I met my husband. The man was more religious than me and had only had one sexual partner (he was 30 so that must be pretty rare). He ended it after a couple of months and I was gutted because he was wonderful - clever, kind, handsome, made me laugh, I’d met his wonderful family etc etc.
With hindsight, we weren’t compatible. I started dating my husband almost immediately afterwards and we are just better suited. As lovely a man as he was - and he genuinely was - I think he’d have struggled with my past a little (and, er, it’s very boring compared with yours).

Sometimes getting back out there - even if you get your heart a bit bruised - is a good thing in itself though long-term. He reminded me there are lovely kind men out there and then I met another one who was also a better fit for me.

So many 'you dodged a bullet' comments. Probably not though.

He's probably a perfectly average, nice man that was just gobsmacked at being told a number far closer to triple figures than single, with swinging to boot. And he immediately knew it wasn't for him, relatoonship wise.

The reality is that this kind of sexual history would put many men off. Or women, if the shoe was on the other foot.

The really honest answer is: "It’s none of your business".

100% true and to the point @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis.

Meh, you’re an adult. You tried it. Did it for a while and?

everyone involved was an adult. Don’t look back on it as a negative part of you, there is nothing wrong with it and it worked for you at the time.

Ignore the people who are putting you down for it, it’s ok.

if we all thought the same the world would be boring

This does sound more of a teenage question! I've been asked it before when I was younger but would be shocked that someone would ask me something that personal now.
I had said "oh I don't know, I was trying to prove a point that it doesn't matter and stopped counting 😂". When they did press for more I just repeated "I don't know" and move on from it. Maybe it makes it sound high or maybe they soon realise I'm not going to disclose a number.
If you're not swinging now (and presumably safe/tested), then this is your discretion whether you want to bring it up. I don't think it's necessary unless it's something you would want to do again, in which case you can meet someone more compatible.
There are lots of guys out there who wouldn't shame you for your past. This one isn't the one for you. It was a "honeymoon week".

My thoughts exactly. He got what he wanted, a shag and then used her sexual history as the excuse to not want to be in a relationship. My general thoughts on having sex very soon is, great, enjoy it for what it is but don't expect it to lead to anything meaningful. If it does great, but realistically it often won't.

Ignore some of the nutters on here tonight OP. I think the morality police are out clutching their pearls.

There are though some red flags with this man. The clicking immediately strikes me as false intimacy. He’s good at making women feel special but then doesn’t want a real relationship.

Also that he couldn’t have a relationship with you but happy with a FWB. How does that work with his insecurities? I think that’s really offensive actually of him. There’s nothing wrong with being up front with someone who also wants a casual situation. But you clearly were looking for a relationship and he pretended he was. And any man these days that asks your body count is an immediate red flag.

You sound brilliant fun and as well as intelligent and interesting. I think you’re way too good for this idiot and hopefully you’ll realise that soonest.

Gobsmacked but happy to continue sleeping with OP? Gobsmacked because her number was higher than he was comfortable with, even though his own number was twice what he’d accept of her? Yes, a perfectly nice man I’m sure.

He could do this to lots of women - charm them for a week, sleep with them, make them divulge personal information that he says is a deal breaker then buggers off. You have no idea of this man’s intentions or if he was telling the truth about the number of people he’s slept with.

Keep your guard up for a bit longer when meeting new people.

Did I understand correctly that you went to his place on a first date?!

You then tell him you've been into swinging and sleep with him, clearly having a high opinion of your skills in that area.

I don't understand why his FWB offer was so offensive given all of the above?

On a side note, my ex-husband also thought he was great in bed because he had a lot of experience and also had porno-type moves. He was awful. Really awful.

You can be honest without going into details, HelpMe.

"I've kissed a few frogs", would have been sufficient.

He may be thinking about it and miss you, he may not.

It was obvious you’d had sex with him as you wouldn’t be mooning over someone you had a cup of tea with.

OP, are you really 38? This reads like something’s off. I’m sure most 38 year olds know that while it’s possible to be an attentive lover, there isn’t really any blanket “incredible in bed” - everyone is different, and what suits one may not suit another.

I also can’t believe you’re still mooning after he’s decreed you’re only good enough for FWB. Yes, history of swinging would put a lot of people off. But if he was genuinely unable to have a relationship with you because of that, and was a decent guy, he wouldn’t be offering FWB - he’d be mildly upset and walk away.

I’m struggling to believe all this as the “sexual history” conversation, your comments about sex, your mooning over nothing, and inability to see the wood for the trees with his “shag and run” tactics (for which you’ve given him the perfect excuse!) all sound incredibly immature. I don’t mean that harshly, it’s just quite a shock to read that this is 38 yo behaviour.

To be honest that kind of history would put me off a man completely. Ultimately you are incompatible. I think it's right to be honest at the start of things.

It's not like he's going to encounter a lurking cock or two up there.

😂😂😂

Not sure he does. He said ‘ he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.’ That’s like going to a job interview and saying actually many people just don’t get on with me and nothing I can do about it. It’s asking not to get the job.

Maybe the "problem" here comes down to some sort of primal biological reflex many men have. They know they have a bunch of pretty much valueless sperms (they produced 2000 per heartbeat or something) and that women have one precious egg per month - that she will need to incubate on a risky, hugely energy intensive manner and give birth to risking her own life. Therefore if she is willing to engage in an act that actually puts herself (again purely primally and theoretically) at risk without "being very selective" (which is the signal they read when they hear of the 80 partners) what do I really mean to her? Maybe I should just give her my cheap sperms and not my more expensive emotional commitment.

I'm saying it's wrong or right but it's how he could be subconsciously reading it.

This aside. He still sounds like a Dick.

So he's not bothered about your "number" when it comes to shagging you, but won't respect you enough to date you. Ewwww he's such a creep. If you break it down 80 only averages to 4 per year since you were 18 so I don't think it's that mental. Best thing is to not keep count though. I think it's a pretty juvenile question, something guys would ask me when we were 19. I think it's a bit of a pathetic question when approaching middle age. Move the topic on if another guy asks it, he vague if they push it, if they keep pushing it, shut the conversation down in an offended tone and note it as a red flag

I'd be a bit spooked by an ex-swinger, but any sympathy I had for his position evaporated when you said he wanted you to be his FWB. He thinks you're good enough as long as it's only shagging. Tell him that when he comes back for another go -which he will.

Well I'm stuffed. "8-10"

I am Gen X and am aware it's the year 2026, so am baffled that sexual history and numbers still comes up - particularly with younger generations.

Such a daft and pointless conversation to have. But, what it has done is provide you with an insight into his insecurity, which would almost certainly translate into control and jealousy.

So move on and forget about him OP.

ETA just saw the swinging post. This information isn't something some would take lightly. It would give me a massive ick personally.

Some people respond on this thread as if people who don't agree with a high body count are somehow unreasonable (misogynistic, etc.). But it's just different side of the same coin. People are entitled to look for sexual restraint, or certain morals, in their partner, if that is what they deem important. I think the lesson for OP is that she cannot be surprised if plenty of normal people who she may otherwise be attracted to find her history off-putting. I think it's good she was honest early on and good he decided immediately it was not for him rather than stringing her along. After a week, no damage done, hopefully lessons learned.