Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

yerrrright

Just following on one of the posters said ... It is easier to divide 81 by 3 than 80 ... So surely that's a win.

I think that poster is attempting to get inside the guy's head rather than saying the OP should be up for it. I didn't read it that way at all.

Woah. What happened to ‘soul mate’? Best friends?

The comments on here are staggering. a real eye opener.

Exactly. People are weird!

Ah, OP. You will find someone who won't care. I forget about people's attitudes towards body count, as I mostly hang about in incredibly queer, sex positive, feminist circles. I could never date someone who judged swinging and whatever. I think you'd have fundamentally different attitudes towards sex and sexuality, and potentially different senses of morality. Not wanting to be involved in these things, or only wanting a small number of sexual partners, is not a problem. Judging others and feeling insecure about what other people get up to is.

I've been involved in BDSM on and off of the years, and like swinging, people have a lot of opinions. In reality, people involved in things like swinging and BDSM are often very open about their preferences, good at communicating about sex and boundaries, very risk aware, very consent focused, and very safe. You get your assholes and predators, but honestly, these things really aren't how people imagine. I've had my safest and best sexual encounters in the kink world. Like you OP, I'm mega open about sex. I am monogamous in a relationship (and I'm married now!), but I personally need a partner who is also able to talk about sex openly and doesn't care about what you're into/who you've been with. I truly don't care about someone's sexual past, and I need someone who won't judge mine. I also absolutely do not see why it's something you shouldn't be able to chat about with your partner. I don't see the point in hiding it 🤷 you either like it or lump it!

A nine hour date is not a good idea. Why would you want to spend nine hours with a stranger? You won't actually get to know them in 9 hours any more than you would in 2. It's knowing someone over a long period of time that really provides proper knowledge, not how much you cram into one day. It creates a false sense of 'getting to know them' before there's any real substance in it.

Why would you tell them anything about your past sexual history, however 'unusual'? How's it any of his business?

Don't confuse chemistry with compatibility, or knowing someone, or something having real potential. Chemistry is attractive but means nothing about whether someone would be a good partner to you.

Also, if this guy got scared because you're not a bloody virgin...best to know his insecurity now.

If you're 38 and have been sexually active since you were 18 (I'm not asking - it's just for the sake of the maths 😉) that's 4 sexual partners a year. I don't actually even think it's that high!

Even if you were in relationships for half that time, it's still only 8 people a year in between. Someone who is looking for a serious adult relationship doesn't even need to swing to rack up that amount over a couple of decades. 🤷🏻

Haha, well, I said before we committed to a dinner, would we just have tea first and see if there was any romantic feeling. So I called to his for tea, turned into wine and lots of chat, then he kissed me before I went home. It was genuinely lovely.

By far the most concerning thing is that it sounds like you went to his house for your first date?! It does sound like you weren't making great decisions around this man.

No! My number is lower and I would never tell a man. And regarding swinging and other things, you don't have to tell anything. I say "that's classified information" when I don't want to answer something (because I won't pretend to be inexperienced). If a man insists, that's a massive red flag.

Here’s my take… if he can move past it to be intimate with you in a FWB scenario then it can’t be that big of a deal to him. He isn’t the amazing person you think he is if he can continue on with you casually, but holds your past against when it comes to long term. That is degrading to you, and double standards on his part. Basically saying you’re fine for a f*ck but not worthy of a potential relationship. How rude.

Shagging 80 people doesn't make you 'the best in bed he's ever had'. Seasoned swinger here too (in the past, also not interested at present but would do it again) and I can tell you that it's also not quite what you're making it out to be either. I can quite believe he's put off by a person who's been swinging in the past, and probably for fair reason.

First time I stepped into swingers club (as part of a couple) the first person I met, chatting over a drink told me 'lets be honest, everyone here is a bit fucked up, or we wouldn't be here'. I'd gone into it thinking it was just practicing sexual freedom and experimentation. And it is certainly that. But what he said had absolute truth to it, too, only, it takes some time and experience to really observe that.

Over many clubs, meeting many individuals/couples, it becomes extraordinarily clear that a lot of people frequenting the scene, underneath it all, have some sort of control issues underneath it all. It's not outwardly apparent, but you can see it in the dynamics.

I've had girls confide in me they only come with their partner to stop him cheating, because he'd done it in the past, men who bring their girlfriends with the agreement they'll both play with another couple, only to try and turn into a FFM threesome (very common, that one, I'm sure you'll agree) and women with superiority complexes (like yourself).

Can't say in all my time there I've met anyone better at sex than a person I'm attracted to, emotionally close with, and attached to.

The truth is it very much has it's dark side, and I'd put my neck on the line that the vast majority of people who do this do have some emotional or psychological issues (I include myself in that).

There's also the simple fact that the more people you sleep with, without an emotional bond, the harder it is for you in future to bond to partners. Of course there's exceptions, but it is a common issue and one I wish I'd known before.

All this being said, I enjoyed indulging that side of myself, probably would again, but lets not pretend it's completely consequence free and innocent - it just isn't. And a great many people are put off by it. For good reason.

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis I've been in a similar situation with my current partner at the beginning and tbh I was deliberately vague - because quite frankly it shouldn't matter and I said that. He's had a lot of partners too, but there's a lot of red pill stuff out there trying to devalue women based on their body count and I'm guessing by what this guy said to you, he's listened to those types of podcasts/watched the YT videos. It comes from a place of insecurity. These ideas are now so prevalent that unfortunately lots of normal men buy into it.

If you're late 30s like us and you've been single a long time it's normal to have had quite a lot of partners. We shouldn't have to justify it.

It's unfortunate he feels like that but not much you can do - it's a horrible feeling when it happens though so you have my sympathy. Going forward, if asked, just laugh and say "why are you asking? We're not teenagers". That's what a long term ex said to me when I asked him in my mid 20s. I accepted that answer and we stayed together 5 years. My current partner accepted my vague number too. It's a shame these small-knob influencers are spreading this paranoia around the male population.

I think you’re starting to see him for what he is.

‘He did offer a FWB arrangement if I ever wanted it’

How generous of him.

It’s quite possible he engineered things to get to sex quickly by creating false intimacy then asking a question afterwards where, almost whatever answer you gave, he’d say that was too much for him to give him a way out of the apparently burgeoning relationship which he’d accelerated in order to have sex. Imagine you’d said you’d slept with eight people (he was probably betting on it being more than one or two, so he could have his ‘grounds’ for disapproval), his response might still have been ‘oh, that’s too many for me, sorry, but we can keep sleeping together if you’d like’.

Let’s say that he didn’t engineer the situation and I’m being unfair to him above, any man who thinks more than six previous sexual partners is too many at your age is still
controlling and misogynistic. And any man who needs to ask in the first place, especially so early, whatever the number is, is a walking red flag.

Anyone truly that concerned about sexual partners with no ulterior motives would make it clear from the outset and, on principle, surely wouldn’t sleep with you that early on.

Well I think it’s unacceptable to ask people how many previous sexual partners they’ve had. Especially after a week. That’s a red flag for me.

My DP and I have been together 18 years and have never asked. I wouldn’t want to know. And I wouldn’t want to share. Everyone has a past.

On the other hand, if someone said they’d slept with 80 people I’d run for the hills. Not because I’m a misogynist or anything, because I’d find it equally offputting regardless of whether it’s a man or a woman.

I guess if you don’t mind asking/sharing, and aren’t put off by someone’s “number” then you’re somewhat potentially compatible. You and him aren’t, so even though it’s disappointing it’s better to find out sooner

I also don't think it's useful to comfort yourself with 'he was happy to add to that number though!' - he didn't know, before!

It's probably a lesson, that I'm not sure why you haven't learnt yet with your lifestyle, that sleeping with people you actually don't know, haven't had the time to get to know, and share thoughts and ideas, is actually not a good idea, if you're hoping for a relationship.

Not because of some old 'don't hop into bed too quick' trope, but more because shagging men you don't know but think you really like puts you in this vulnerable position. You knew nothing about each other, really.

Great relationships can come even when sex happened soon in the beginning. But so does it increase the risk that you suddenly find something out about your prospective partner you didn't know before, and it gives you, or them, the ICK.

The seeing each other 5 days in that first week should have been an absolute red flag. Far too much too quickly and very 'whirlwind'.

In the kindest possible way OP, I'd advise taking some time out to do some self work. Not because of the swinging. Not because of the 81 sexual partners. Not for sleeping with a potential partner very soon. Not any of that. But because at 38, you sound incredibly naive to the world, relationships, and people.

Getting attached to someone in a week is not healthy, no matter how good it seemed, no matter how much sparks flew. It's not the norm, and I think there could be something going on there, even if you don't quite like to hear it.

Take care of yourself, OP.

Okay I’m obsessed with this. Can this post now turn into tips to also be incredible in bed!? Dead serious 😂

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis please don't feel you have to justify yourself. Judgement from posters on here reflects just what the man you dated harbours - insecurity, and it says more about them than you.

Yes it's deeply offensive that he suggested FWB over a relationship based purely on your number of sexual partners and reflects misogynistic values.

I once went to a swingers night by mistake, I thought it was fetish night. I found it incredibly grubby and very sad. The place was full of miserable looking married couples plus the single guys wanting to hook up. Weirdly though, no single women there looking to hook up...

You’ve dodged a bullet with this one OP. But it proves that actually you don’t have to be single forever, this one came along and so will another. He was a warm up

I have to say I agree, I’d be very vague and say oh not loads, or something and say it’s not important for me etc.

Same, my husband has never once asked me in 30 years and it doesn’t matter….

As a male i think it’s extremely honourable of the OP to be so open and honest about her past, i don’t think i’d want any more of the gory detail though as that can be really off putting. Keep on being honest it’s a rare commodity these days.

I once read this amazing article that says you’re ex’s make you who you are, good or bad, but without them you’d probably not be who you are as such,

I thought that was just a lovely way to say that.

This is literally one of the best replies I’ve ever read on here!

spot on. It’s simple