Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

I think that's perfectly fair enough, but I think you possibly wouldn't ask him to stick around as a FWB.

@mythbuster88 I think you shouldn’t give so much of yourself to others so soon - whether emotionally or physically. I know some will say it’s an expression of self-confidence and free will, but I think it masks a deep insecurity. The fact that you use words such as ‘heartbroken’ after a week of meeting someone who appears to have less regard for you than you’ve acknowledged and also putting your health at risk by sleeping with someone who openly confessed that they have had multiple sexual partners and never had an STI test is indicative of this

I too think this is well said and goes against most advice and opinions. There’s something refreshing and exciting about getting to know someone romantically before having sex, the slow burn, the flirting but also slowly finding out about each other rather than this fast intensity of sex.

Like it or not, once he’d heard of her swinging past, he lost respect for her so she was only good enough for shagging, not for a relationship. And shagging is an incredibly intimate thing isn’t it? Someone’s body entering yours, being as physically close as it’s possible to be. Though I guess others must be able to not see it in that way but I always have.

No judgment because everyone is different

You obviously didn’t have the connection you thought you did. I don’t know if you dodged a bullet or not but you clearly have a difference of views on something quite significant - namely, are women allowed to have a sexual past. All these people telling you you shouldn’t have told him are doing none of us or our daughters any favours.

He sounds like a bit of a div, probably quite sexually uninteresting and therefore it would never have worked. Take heart from the fact you can find the odd one you like and keep looking.

He’ll come back, and you’ll turn into a shell of yourself trying to “prove” that you’re trustworthy, while he will likely be cheating with anything with a pulse.

You should really be able to see all of the massive red flags here, it’s concerning that you don’t. Please work on yourself to ensure that you never accept such bullshit from a man.

We all have a past, OP. Sex is just sex. It’s no big deal.

you deserve better than this misogynistic hypocritical insecure man.

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis

I'm going to go against the grain here.

If you're going to have sex with someone, share your body with them, their past sexual history IS your business.

I think it's normal to want to be with someone who is like yourself emotionally and sexually. I don't really think of sex in a casual way, so I'd want a partner who's the same as me. If I found out he'd had sex with loads of women, I might think twice about our compatibility.

OP, you're just more open to sexual encounters and different experiences than he is, and in the longterm, that aspect might cause a strain, even if he was ok with the number of sexual partners you've had. It shows a difference in your personalities, and I think you'd probably be happier being with someone more like yourself.

I'm the same OP and I think it's something a lot of men do care about whether they admit it or not. It's always better to be open and transparent so people can make a free choice. Sorry it didn't work out for you this time. x

‘FWIW I am pretty incredible in bed and he said I was the best sexual encounter he’d ever had’
tbf dont all men say that? They certainly do to me and have said it to many of my friends.
‘any hole’s a goal’ for some of them as the saying goes.

Nope shagging is shagging, sex doesn't necessarily equate to intimacy.

Itamacy is entirely different and intimacy sex is different. There are multiple levels of intimacy even its definition is different- Intimacy is a close, familiar, and deep personal connection with another person that involves vulnerability, trust, and shared understanding.

@EgregiouslyOverdressed No I wouldn't - not my sort of thing.

@EarthSight I agree. My husband and I know how many previous partners we've both had - we were happy to share this information with each other, didn't feel we needed to hide it. I imagine it's low compared our to most people our ages. We both good with that.

I mean this is a bit weird. Didn’t either of you have other plans already?

And as for the ‘vibes you give off’. He’s giving me the ick @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis , just block and forget about him, he’s an absolute slimeball.

A decent guy wouldn't go for a swinger or ex swinger so totally get it...for those saying don't say anything erm wouldn't look cool to meet one of her sex partners out shopping, holidaying etc and they say something and your new finds out that way..either way I wouldn't have wanted to be with anyone with a figure as hight.ugh

Dunno why you're upset about dodging a bullet from a misogynistic, judgemental prick tbh.

How would you have felt if he had a higher body count?

My hubby was a sl*t and was honest about what he wanted which was to settle down and wanted to be in a serious relationship rather than be playing the field, at first in my mind I was like but what if he gets bored etc so perhaps this was his thoughts too that perhaps he wouldn't be enough for you like I did, I was basically a nun compared to what he was used to and he said he wanted something meaningful and a connection not just random hook ups so I took that chance and 22yrs later we are still happily married

I'm glad my hubby was honest and when we dtd it was actually the best I had ever no lie, I said I had never had such chemistry and actually enjoyed it as he was a lot more experienced iykwim

God forbid a girl has hobbies 🙄😅

By comparison, my Tuesday night netball sounds a bit tame, OP 😂

Sorry you are sad op. As others have said you have dodged a bullet, onwards and upwards. FWIW I was married 25 years, and we never discussed ‘body counts’. I never have with my partner now either. You saying your count is quite high and you can see why that’s a dealbreaker is a concern - ‘quite high’ is very subjective, and why in earth would any number be a dealbreaker. If it is you’re with the wrong person. Just my view.

No offence, but I’m really surprised you blurted that out tbh after only a week.

Call me old fashioned but I’m not surprised he was shocked, I think most men would be.

If you want to disclose that kind of information, at least wait until you know the person first.

It’s a real shame, but lesson learnt, which is no consolation.

He was a complete stranger and you totally jumped the gun and built it up in your head while knowing nothing about him, and got emotionally invested almost immediately, it seems. It was only a week! I have milk in the fridge that’s lasted longer than that. So it’s not surprising it didn’t work out. Having instant chemistry doesn’t mean you’ll be compatible when it comes to values and lifestyle.

He’s misogynistic in wanting a woman to have less sexual experience than him, and in being happy to have sex with you but not a relationship. Gross! Equally though, it’s entirely reasonable for him to be put off by a history of swinging – people will always be worried you might be drawn back to it, so if they’re not open to the idea then they’ll reasonably consider you a risk.

That said, good on you for being up-front – honesty is by far the best policy, imo, and saves you both some time in terms of figuring out if you’re compatible or not. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding someone who isn’t bothered by your sexual history.

It was madness to tell him. I’ve been dating for the past year and have had two 6 month relationships (the second is ongoing). We have never talked about our sexual pasts- if I were asked, I’d sidestep it-I was widowed 10 years ago and didn’t date for years-my past relationships have no bearing on my current life or character.

Op op op! Firstly you sound lovely; your wit has made me laugh and your past has really educated me in things I just did not know about the swinging community. I’m sad for you this didn’t work out! But I also think you could not have not told him about your swinging past. It’s who you are, honest, yourself, truthful. That’s refreshing and lovely. Nothing about what you’ve said is intrinsically intimidating (high sex drive, had a lot of consensual sex with consenting adults); it may not be everyone’s cup of tea which is fine, but also not intrinsically some kind of threat except to an insecure man. He would have never been comfortable with it. You would have always told him about it, if not now, then soon. So you would never have worked. I’m still gutted for you though. I’m hoping someone comes along who really sees you, the whole you, and loves you. Nothing less than you deserve xxx

He had no right to ask that question after a week. How many people a woman has slept with has no correlation to how faithful she is in a relationship.

Honestly, it just sounds like he’s rubbish in bed and wants to date a virgin so they’ll have no point of reference to understand how rubbish he is.

Whatever fantasy you had in your head about him- it won’t have been the reality of a judgy, insecure, rubbish lay. The feelings will pass.

How on Earth do you know? Where's your evidence? You're just making silly sweeping statements based on your own prejudices.

Outside virginity-based cultures (female, of course), don't most women have had more lovers than men?

Possibly this has already been posted. I've only read the OP's responses.

You are right to be honest, keeping things secret, especially when you think a relationship will be significant, is not the way. It gives the impression that you are ashamed. It might have been wise to avoid the question so soon, but at least you haven't wasted yours or his time.
Men are more often than not disappointing in one way or another, I wouldn't bother to be honest, but then I am 75 😂

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat

No he doesn’t as you only knew each other for a week. He’d have no idea and neither would you about him. You know nothing about each other.