Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

He would definitely try to have get more sex. Really hope OP is capable of seeing this creep for who he is because is she is soft on him he could fuck with her head and make her feel guilty to get her into a situation where they have a "relationship" but not really a relationship (ie he gets sex, she gets nothing). I have been in a similar situation before - there was other reason why we "couldn't" have real relationship (it was all to do with us being of different cultures etc), I thought it was legit and he was being honest - looking back it it now the guy simply used me for sex and had me where he wanted me, quiet and obedient.

Its a shame, OP, that you are so experienced in sex but seem very naïve when it comes to relationships. He is not good, believe me!

There are a lot of judgmental replies on here.

Sorry about the disappointment OP but I do think he sounds like a dick. He has slept with 15 but wants a woman who has slept with 5/6, and he offered you a FWB situation? Nah. As you told him, you deserve more.

He sounds awful and utterly judgy... dodged a bullet.

It's an unhinged man pretending to be a woman.

As soon as anyone starts quizzing you about your sexual history, show them the door. Men who ask always use it as a stick to beat women with.

This

Next time don’t tell them, there’s no need. I think most of us lie about this sort of stuff

I think the issue is that you allowed your sexual history to be reduced to numbers and labels. Yes it was 'honest', but so is a vulnerable conversation about what sex means to you and what you want from a sexual and romantic relationship.

You clearly have some quite clear, confident views on your own sexuality and how it fits into the wider scheme of things, and it is a bit of a surprise you allowed this man you had just met to be so reductive.

Shame on him for suggesting you should be FWB, but that you couldn't be his girlfriend due to your past. Some friend...

He's a judgemental hypocrite.

Some men can’t handle women who are more experienced in bed.

I really wouldn’t be telling people about the swinging fwiw. People judge what they don’t understand. I’ve had previous kink relationships and it’s no one else’s business.

@Pinkypromise43 Idon't think my sexual history is fundamental to my relationship at all. DH never asked, he knows I've had more partner than him but I was in a long relationship prior to him so it was all ancient history really.

It's not like he's going to encounter a lurking cock or two up there.

I don't understand the women who feel the need to divulge their souls to their partners.

God OP there is some sanctimonious nonsense on here.

Have you ever been lovebombed? Because that's what it sounds like. I had a whirlwind love affair a while ago that started off with this kind of intensity and it doesn't bode well for the long term.

At the least, how on earth can he know you are trustworthy after a week? I'm not saying you're not, but trust is earned, with time. Long deep and meaningful chats doesn't earn it. Shared experiences and getting to really know someone does.

Also, IMHO, after the love bombing comes the inevitable fall from grace, where suddenly they discover you aren't perfect, this is somehow your fault, and lo and behold you're on your backfoot now whenever they want you there, and you don't quite understand how it happened, but it makes you desperately sad. Just be glad he ended things - unless a FWB was what he was really after.

And regardless of the number of people you have shagged, his offer of a FWB was profoundly insulting. It's happened to me - was dating someone, we'd talked first date about looking for a partner. I slept with him pretty quickly, and suddenly after a few shags he suddenly decided FWB was what he wanted after all. I dropped him immediately, and told him how hurt and offended I was. Suddenly he was scrabbling to take it back, but honestly it showed me who he was. I think he thought I was a bit slutty for sleeping with him so quickly, and I am not interested in having a relationship with a misogynist.

You are worth so much more. You'll find a like-minded soul, I'm sure.

BTW, Mumsnet really isn't the place for this.

There was a thread not long ago where people were asked for their 'numbers' and the vast, vast majority, even those with pretty high figures, prefaced their 'confession' with the claim that all of these sexual partners had been somebody they had been in a RELASHUNSHIIP with at the time.

There is very little appetite for casual sex, or even discussion of it, on here. Take a look at the vicar thread...

Hahaha! Really interesting. Never thought about it before

hang on.....her couldn't get past your number but offered FWB? That sounds.....odd?

The vicar thread is a clear wind up. Cannot believe it's still going.

This. My DH has never asked, although over the years he has picked up on the fact that it is higher than his. It has never bothered him, though. He just wanted to meet someone who was crazy about him, who he had lots of great sex with, and he did! 😆

80 people and swinging, eh? Good for you, I wish I had had a LOT more sex and been a lot more adventurous when I was single. I reckon if I had been a lot more honest with myself about my high sex drive and less inhibited by Catholic guilt I would have saved myself the pain of dead-end relationships with good looking arseholes.

You sound like a lovely person, OP, the right man will come along. The problem is that they are harder to find. I read a very good article today that said dating is so hard now, not because women are pickier, but because a typical man in his thirties has been consuming porn for around 20 years and such regular exposure has hard wired their brains to a certain template that leads to expectations and behaviours women do not find attractive.

Fucking glad I am married!

It's negging. He tried to convince the OP she was damaged goods in the hope she would take the lower offer.

Vile man.

Pretty incredible in bed is important in a committed relationship (to me anyway). OP there are much better fish in the sea. And you deserve a better one than the guy with a chip in his shoulder.

this

Exactly what I thought. Has the OP returned? 😂

I know... it's such a weirdly specific detail to share when you don’t even know someone that well.

Don't know, i joined in the fun when it started (the stuff about getting defrocked and all that) but the joke does wear off.

When I was dating my DH, if he had told me that he had slept with 80 women and had engaged in swinging, I'd have dropped him like a hot potato!

It's personal choice of course, but i wouldn't choose to pursue a relationship with a man who told me they'd had 80 sexual partners and a history of swinging.