Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Erm HE ruined it. He could have had a partner who was prepared to be loyal and who is great in bed - instead, he rejected her as he could not handle her being more popular, more experienced and more desirable. He was not man enough, what a shame.

You have to understand this is just pure insecurity because she had more partners than he had. There is nothing else at play here. These insecure idiots want someone with zero to none experience so their partners cant compare them to anyone else, because, God forbid, someone in their life had a bigger dick or was better at oral.

Im fine with it, I just am curious. So you’ve never spoken about your previous sexual history? Has it not come up or did you avoid it?

I can't relate to having a conversation like that because the past is literally that - it doesn't exist and it doesn't matter. So I wouldn't care about a partner's history and I wouldn't be sharing mine. Assuming no memory issues then all the past does is help you grow and learn (if you choose to).

It's a shame this guy wants to be stuck at level 1 all his life. No new experiences, no growth, pure judgement and frankly: misogyny. Funny how he didn't ask how many times a man cooked for you or bought you flowers or how good they were at fixing cars. No, it's just how much sex have you had. What a sexist piece of shit. Guessing he has a tiny penis anyway so don't worry about it. You're not missing anything.

Sounds like a loser, and yes: you definitely dodged a bullet. I would remember you only saw the 'best behaviour' version of him - the version everyone presents when you first meet them. So don't feel sad. He showed you a massive red flag early on. Be grateful and move on.

Imagine hitting it off with someone and immediately giving no shits about that person any more because of the number of objects they had in their vagina once.

Pathetic man.

Correct, not him. Because she said no to him. Doesn't matter if she said yes to 500 other men, it doesn't make her public property. She can say no. He said no to a relationship, she said no to sex.

I'm disturbed that you don't understand this. Stay away from people.

You dodged an absolute bullet here, OP. He sounds like a man with some very unpleasant 'purity' standards for women. From his perspective, you weren't pure enough to qualify as a Madonna but he was happy to keep you as his whore. If you think about this long enough I think you'll become sufficiently insulted to get over the sadness.

For the future, no good comes from sharing your number, regardless of how high or low it is.

Wow, what a hypocrite! Hes a massive red flag, and you should count yourself lucky that you dodged him!!! He is not very nice!
Also, can't get past your "number" but was ok to continue as FWB???...

What the fuck is actually wrong with you

I never discussed my sex life with anyone - not with my husband, not with any other long term partners. How TF would you even approach it?? Its gross and I can't imagine how this conversation would even start. "So, how many men you slept with? What did you like doing? What were they like?" This would never go past "WTF are you pissed" from me

While that may be the case, it doesn't sound like it with the OP. So not really sure what the point being made is?

It must be a guy.

Edited for clarity - I'm assuming this poster is some sort of a basement dwelling sweaty incel creep.

That poster is really, really, really creepy.

OP, you’re describing a whirlwind romance and then a man who has a clear idea about male/female roles - expecting the woman to have a fraction of experience he has, this will not be an isolated view. Forgive me, but you don’t strike me as someone with such old style views about males and females - if those views were clear before hand it would not be a whirlwind romance, I don’t think. Is it possible you were love bombed? 15mins down the road, exactly who you were looking for…but then magically backed out when he found out you are not that soft, cosy target he thought you would be (assuming in person that classically feminine part of you comes across quite strongly). I think there’s a good chance you dodged a bullet.

If nothing else, hopefully you can see that Prince Charming wasn’t actually the gem you thought he was initially. He sounds like a ball on insecurities. and a misogynist at best.

If you could turn back the clock, would you have told him about the swinging thing? Seems like it’s a good thing you did tell him, because he showed his true colours and you got out before you were in too deep, so to speak.
That said, if I met someone who told me he’d dabbled in swinging, I would probably not see him again either. But mainly because I’d assume that I’m far too vanilla for his tastes and he’d get bored and dump me to return to the swing life! (A me problem, I’m aware 😁)

Incidentally, you write in a very Irish way, OP.

I agree.
Highly likely he will be back.
He was playing you and used your honesty against you.
He's really not the prize you think he is.

And every mental image you've got of him will be entirely correct. We all know it.

Go on, MNHQ, I know you have to delete this, but you know I'm right too. Please consider whether someone who thinks women are public property once they reach a certain number belongs here at all.

Well said!

😱 is this a serious post?

Because the OP has had casual sex in the past, she is obliged to now offer it up to anyone interested? Or she is discriminating??

I had plenty of casual sex in my younger days, it's not my vibe now so I don't do it anymore. This is a completely normal and non contradictory position.

Your past hasn’t cost you the relationship. His attitude towards it has.

Absolute rapist vibes, genuinely frightening

Not who you asked, but it’s never come up in any of my relationships. Neither DH nor I know each others’ ‘number’. It’s not something that would occur to either of us to be interested in, tbh.

Not with my DH. Previous partners had asked, and I told them, "I don't count" or "It's none of your concern".

This thread is way over my head. Can't even being to imagine any of it and feel rather boring!

Exactly! 😂

At the end of the day anyone can get the ick with anyone else for any reason. No reason to judge them for it.
Its only an issue if they say, yep no problem about the swinging and then use it to beat you over the head with at any opportunity. He’s at least walked now.

Personally I wouldn’t date a swinger, current or not as I’m intrinsically monogamous and it would always be a the back of my mind that they’d get bored and hanker after old experiences. Ultimately its my mind and my body and I get to choose who I share them with.

I’ve been with my husband for 30 years. I don’t know his ‘number’ and he doesn’t know mine. I’d have to list the men I’ve had sex with and that’s something I’ve never thought to do. My husband wouldn’t have a clue for his other than a ballpark.