Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Prudish, much?

She doesn't have to give access to every living and breathing male.

You're being obtuse.

Men will never turn down sex, he probably liked you and yes you ruined it,

The question itself is a red flag. This is a really immature conversation for two adults to have.

No one needs to know how many people each other has slept with.

OP I completely agree with this. The fact that he preemptively stated a number he’s ’comfortable with’ makes me think that he’s a controlling loser. Not only was the question inappropriate and a huge red flag, he then projected his insecurity onto you before you even answered. If you had answered differently, he’d still be a controlling loser.

fwiw my number is very high too, though I lost count pretty quickly. I was into orgies when I was younger and I honestly don’t regret it. It was loads of fun, safe and consensual, and life is short, with infinite experiences and perspectives available. It has never come up with DH, but I know he’s had a colourful past too. I don’t think we’d be compatible otherwise. I once dated someone who asked me about my sexual history, was appalled and judgemental when I answered, shamed me, and then pursued me as a fwb. It hurt me immensely at the time but now I can see how unkind he was.

Well he’s just full of double standards. Happy to sleep with you within a week but you need a lower body count than him! I think that should give you the ick about him and then to have the cheek to say you’re not relationship material but he’s happy to shag you…yuck!

I can assure you within that community not all women are willing even if it looks that way,

What type of person? You're fine. And stop over sharing, esp so soon! It's nobody's business but your own and you are still very dateable because your numbers/past have nothing to do with the future.

I've never told my DH how many partners I have had, in addition to being an escort.

It's none of his concern.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read? Actually, when I read the first half, I thought you were going to say he ghosted you after you had sex. And reading your comments, I can see that’s exactly what happened though he couldn’t say, “I was only interested in sex all along and I was future faking.”

There are so many red flags here! Lovebombing for one! “He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat.” Is this for real? 😟🤣 In one week, he doesn’t even know if you told him your real name.

OP you seem like a genuinely nice person but you come across as a bit naive and easy prey for an abuser. Him offering FWB is further proof that he never wanted anything serious with you. And I’m really concerned that you’re this torn up after “knowing” someone for only a week!

I suppose I would look askance at someone who had slept with triple figures, as I’d be wondering what was going on their psychology to need so many casual encounters. But tbh unless your number is approaching Bonnie Blue, anyone who cares is a bit messed up in the head and probably crap in bed.

And I can assure you that every woman I met very much did want to be there with me. Do you have extensive experience of the swinging community?

Well it's up to him I suppose, as hurtful and unfair as that is. You really did not need to tell him at all though nothing good comes out of sharing that kind of information! You are entitled to privacy despite what some on here will say.
He's got a cheek offering you a FWB situation after you spent the week with him and bared your soul, that must have been a real kicker. And of course, he wants his girlfriend to have slept with many fewer people than he has.. but also be an amazing shag. Good luck with that mate.

Most adults have had sex, does that mean every other adult that wants sex with them is entitled to it otherwise they’re being discriminated against? Are you actually serious?? 😳

There’s a tone in your posts which sounds almost boastful op,which find odd. Did you wish to tell him, was it actually you who raised this?

Sorry, he had the barefaced cheek to say FWB while at the same time not wanting you to have had a high number? As they say on MN, you dodged a bullet. Glad you said no.

Sorry it hurts, but please just don't tell the truth next time. A gentleman shouldn't even ask you and nor you ask him. Please too look after yourself.

So he has slept with 15 but will only accept 5-6 In a partner. A bit f*cking hypocritical!! Especially as he was still willing to sleep with you!! 🖕🏽🤮
I am 43 and been in 2 long term relationships totalling 23 years...and was far from sleeping around in between the two...and my number is still 11.
It's ok to be sad, but I think with a bit of time and distance you will see you dodged a bullet.

"More than 10 less than 100 is a perfectly acceptable answer" 😆 so is "that's between me and god". If you aren't interested in swinging again I don't see that you are morally obligated to tell anyone.

The first guys who told me he had slept with over 60 people (at which point i had slept with 2) I thought was a bit yuck if I am honest, but it didn't stop me dating him as we got on great and he made me laugh....but then, I'm not an insecure idiot. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Personally 80 would put me off in a man. However I am religious and feel sex is for committed relationships (my own number is 2 and I am mid-30s) and would only date someone who was of similar mind. No judgement to those that view things differently, just not for me

Ugh so he’s had 15 partners but would only be okay with you having 5/6? 🚩🚩🚩

Boastful? Because I’ve joked a couple of times that I’m good in bed to lighten the mood of a thread where I’m telling people how sad I am? Right then

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.
He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

This is extremely intense, and to be honest quite creepy, if you’ve only known each other for a week.

You are strangers. These types of conversations shouldn’t even come up so early on with getting to know somebody new.

You’re gutted because the “idea” of this person has gone. He is a complete and utter stranger. You’ve fantasised “what could have been” in your head. It’s time to come back down to earth.

OP sorry it feels like a kick in the face, but I really agree you dodged a bullet.

I don't think you did the wrong thing telling him, if he was going to be a weirdo about it. Much better to find out now than when you're deeper enmeshed.

He is allowed to have his feelings about swinging or prior sexual partners (although I agree a lot of the comments on this seem very prudish). But he's a massive hypocrite for sleeping with you anyway, offering a fwb situation, and claiming his ideal is a woman whose had half the sexual partners he has!

I actually don't even think 80 is so heinous - OP is 38, has probably been sexually active for 22 years, that could be <4 a year even without the swinging. Or if she'd been in relationships for third of that isn't it 5 or 6 a year, doesn't seem crazy for someone actively dating. And it isn't like she was demanding he come down to the swingers club with her, just saying it has been a part of her life in the past.

Fwiw it's worth I've been married over 20 years and neither of us know each others "number". For one thing, we don't care. And for another - I genuinely don't know! It was all a long time ago and even at the time I didn't keep a tally!

I think it's a red flag he asked in the first place.

Any grown up asking for a ‘number,’ is immature or insecure IMO (unless it’s the slightly odd ones who get a kick out of hearing about your past sex life.) My DH has never asked and I’ve never been bothered about his. I would do him the courtesy of making sure he is aware of anything that would cause awkwardness (eg that I dated a friend of a friend who we might bump into at weddings etc) but my past is my past.

However if I had a history of less vanilla experiences, especially something like swinging where it could possibly come out, I would probably disclose that without the number after a few weeks of dating, long enough to have gotten to know each other a bit but not so long I’d be heartbroken if they broke it off.

Are you sure that it was the number that put him off rather than enjoying/ potentially wanting a lifestyle that he might think is a fetish (that he's not interested in)? 80 is a high number, as you say, and I can see a certain type of man finding it unattractive - but not in the way of reducing you to a number, as you say. Basically, are you sure that it's because you've "known" many men, and not because of the lifestyle aspect (perhaps he's thinking you'd find life with him boring after a few years)? This could help the way you feel about yourself, if it's the latter.