Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

This is too funny 🙈🤭🤣

I don’t know, 80 people. That’s kind of another level associated with other, erm, practices. I think this is fair.

What’s wrong with you. It doesn’t matter if she shags 1000 men, it’s still her choice, 80 men doesn’t mean it’s an equal opportunities exercise and she has to shag every man who wishes it. How on earth can you even think that never mind write it.

Hi OP, I understand your disappointment. If you are patient, Ido think there will be sone good men out there and I am sure you will find one soon. On the number of partners my experience is it is always probably a mistake to discuss this. Different people have a different perspective of what the right number should be. If you are asked again, I would try not to discuss it- it can be really unhealthy or if they press, just pick the number of non-swinging relationships. Honesty is important right, but I would err on the sunny side of honest in these matters.

Sorry, probably not making myself clear again. If you shared this information with him, he is thinking - if there is no strings attached with the previous 80 guys, I want the same too! Why is she not interested? Am I being discriminated against? If yes, on what basis?

You need to stop.

The only thing it says about person is that they are very physical and like sex. Nothing else! I would find someone who only had three partners but was married to all of them more of a turn off.

I do appreciate though a lot of people can't have sex just for sex sake so would find it difficult to get their head around it. But, as one of my friends have said - I'd rather regret having sex with someone than NOT having sex with them ))

You’re alluding to prostitution are you? Never cross your mind that some people, and shock horror some women, very high sex drives and enjoy some kinky sex? People don’t use me for sex, I engaged in it willingly because it was something I enjoyed at the time.

God forbid a girl has hobbies 🙄😅

You continue to confuse oversharing with honesty. It’s not even misleading, or lying by omission, to avoid discussing your sexual history with someone you’ve just met. Not in the least.

Are you saying that those of us who have not talked about our past exploits are somehow dishonest?

If he opened that can of worms avenue of discussion, major red flag, and if you did, huge life lesson for you there.

It’s none of his bloody businsss . It’s your body .

No, you're making yourself very clear that you’re a complete dimwit. Get ta fuck

Sorry to hear you had the absolute high of meeting and connection, followed by the low of this rejection. He needs to be able to accept you as you are. Not something he was able to do.

Wtaf
She's not a sex object
She chooses who she sleeps with based on, presumably attraction and a sense of mutual respect. Its not discriminatory to no to any man.
FO.

I am speaking from HIS perspective, I’m personally fine with it. Crack on!

While I haven't managed as anything near 80, I've certainly had a good time and been to clubs and had a couple of threesomes and various things. I don't tend to admit that unless I'm sure the person in talking to has either done, or would be open, to that sort of thing. It's about choosing your audience. Saying that, it's not a big part of my personality of history so I don't think it's something I have to declare or confess.

How is it fundamental to a relationship?!

Previous serious relationships yes, elements of what boundaries and red lines are yes.
But how on earth is how many people you have slept with in the past fundamental to a current and the future of a relationship?!

I've been in mine for 16 years my husband has never asked me and ditto me to him. It doesn't matter we live in the present where we have a committed relationship to each other.

I think you shouldn’t give so much of yourself to others so soon - whether emotionally or physically. I know some will say it’s an expression of self-confidence and free will, but I think it masks a deep insecurity. The fact that you use words such as ‘heartbroken’ after a week of meeting someone who appears to have less regard for you than you’ve acknowledged and also putting your health at risk by sleeping with someone who openly confessed that they have had multiple sexual partners and never had an STI test is indicative of this.

Wow 😂

Can’t get over the hypocrisy of him being funny about numbers but happy to sleep with you after a week 😂 he needs to pick a lane, sounds like he would be up to 80 given the chance!
Sorry it panned out badly but better sooner rather than later, at least you didn’t waste years on him.

No it isnt why on earth would you think it was, you brought sex into your relationship rarher than let him get to know you, and you are telling him you want an open relationship and wont be faithful, and it nobodies business and no you dont have to tell him unless you are looking for an open relationship, you made this week long relationship about sex thats where you went wrong, you also said after a week i can trust him!!! Leave sex out of it and next time get to know each other, it sounds like you are in love with the idea of being in love

I’ve been with my husband 25 years and he does not know my sexual history and I don’t know his and neither of us would ever ask as no good would ever come of it.
i would consider it a huge red flag if I had someone prying into that area of my life at any time let alone in the first week of a relationship.
Please have some self respect and shut down these type of conversations going forward.

What discrimination .... ?

Do shut up.

To be fair to him, there is a difference between having a lot of previous sexual partners and shagging married couples as a swinger. Not judging but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who did that.

He did offer a FWB arrangement if I ever wanted it, but I completely declined that and said I was worth more than that, and it wouldn’t be healthy for me.

Good for you but just to go back to something from your OP.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

This wouldn't have been healthy for you either, to be with a man who has to learn to come to terms with your sexual past especially when he admits he already has issues in this area, I personally don't think there would have been a happy ending and there would be many times you would have felt judged or shamed etc. which would hurt like hell when you had stronger feelings for him.