Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

He will be back! He wants you to chase him. He’s an insecure little boy though and you will only be heading towards disaster.

just seen this bit "He did offer a FWB arrangement if I ever wanted it, but I completely declined" how very generous of him. I can't prove it but you don't know that he wouldn't have offered a friends with benefit arrangement anyway And he's using the swinging as an excuse.

He sounds awful. He obviously didn't get the ick if he still wanted a FWB arrangement. He would like to have sex with you but not have you as a girlfriend. You had a lucky escape.

@HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis I'm sorry you've been so let down when you were full of hope and excitement. For what it's worth, you've had a lucky escape.

Any man who judges a woman by the number of sexual encounters she's had is not worth a second look - and this one tried to take advantage and use you for sex afterwards.

He's really not amazing, just your average piece of work.

Good for you. Your self esteem and self worth is very important.

I have been platonic friends with a former male work colleague for many years who used to be a swinger, initiated and encouraged by his wife after they had married.. But when she had an affair he was devastated. She left him a broken man but he did recover and indulged in a very casual sexual lifestyle for a bit via dating apps, emphasising his confirmed bachelor status for a decade or so but he eventually settled down in a long term relationship. I have no idea whether his long term partner is aware.of his past. Its a private matter between him, his partner and his conscience. Maybe his partner is is also a rehabilitated swinger . Who really knows? If they are happy together, then surely that's fine.

Yes, and some people might have personal beliefs or religious reasons etc for wanting to know, and it is best to be honest. Like the woman who found out her partner had a nearly adult daughter, when she thought that was impossible because he'd said he'd not been with anyone before her, and for her, being a stepmum was a dealbreaker.

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

You are quite correct. It sounds ridiculous and it is ridiculous and you just need to have a firm word with yourself.

A grown adult woman can have small number of sexual partners without living under a rock. Some have been married a long time, some take much longer to have sex. There is no right or wrong. Not his buisness I completely agree but no need to insult women like that.

How many are we talking?!

Ah ok I see. This would put me off someone also tbh! But you don’t have to tell people this unless swinging is something you plan to do with them and want them to engage in!

Because she wants a relationship.

Honestly, that level of insecurity is really unattractive. I think however a lot men would struggle with a lot of sexual partners in a potential new partner, because it’s only them that are allowed sexual freedom of expression. In my view, people attach too much to sex, it’s a basic bodily function, and can be completely separate to any romantic emotion, but you’d know that.

I do think you’ve dodged a bullet. The only advice I would give you is dating someone for a couple of months before you have sex. While it is fine to do it whenever you want, it cuts through the ones who aren’t worth your time and energy. They won’t hang around. Plus, if you want to demonstrate you are faithful, exercising self control would do that.

I imagine your chap is suitably intimidated by the goddess you clearly are. On with better things you go!

I don't think a person's number necessarily says much about them at all. I'm in the high 20s now, but with every single one I wanted it to last forever. I don't always choose well!

I was faithful to xh the whole 17 years. I want my next partner to be my only one, and whoever I settle down with, I'll wish I'd met them first.

So you could definitely read misleading things into the plain number.

I think it’s the swinging that has put him off! I would also run for the hills if someone told me this about themselves!

I go against the grain here, I agree you shouldn't have gone into the conversation. But men, just like women, are allowed to have boundaries. Is ok, better you found out now instead of 6 months into the relationship when you are already innvested. He was honest and that is ok. He aknowledged it was his issue and retracted from relationship. You are not compatible and that is ok too. Leave it as a nice memory and move on. You will find someone who will not be bothered. Best of luck!

What the fuck are you on about? No man was allowed to use me for sex. I engaged in consensual sexual activity because I wanted to. No matter how many people I have slept with, I am not a fuck toy for someone to use. What is actually wrong with you?

I am of zero help but I absolutely love your attitude “How do you think I acquired these skills?” 🤣🤣🤣

I’m glad you did that for yourself OP, quite right. To be honest I think it was pathetic of him to be suggesting this. I know that you’re sad, and that’s understandable, but, like others, I think he perhaps wasn’t as lovely as he seemed.

I think you've dodged a mighty bullet, OP. I am sure the chemistry etc. was real, but honestly if he is middle-aged/ approaching middle age and still so insecure that his partner's previous sexual history is a deal breaker for him, then I would bet my last penny that he has many other deep insecurities that would emerge over time when you'd invested more of your love/life.

The only credit I'd give him is that he seems to own that the problem is his, but still, he has decided that is is a problem and it sends alarm bells ringing for what else about you and how you have lived your life or want to live your life that he might decide is an insurmountable problem for him and seek to control.

Discrimination? What the actual fuckity fuck is wrong with your brain?

I will look for you, I will find you and I will fuck you.

Because he backed out of a proper relationship with her when he heard about the number of men she had slept with and basically said - in that case you're only good for sex. Bloody awful attitude.

Wait OP never mind discrimination I have a much more important question!! ...Tell us the skills!!!!!!! My number is ridiculously low and I need your wisdom so the next man I meet gives me the same glowing feedback