Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

Yes I think that offer is fucking rude and he’s fallen even further in my estimation. Oh I don’t want you as sloppy seconds, but yeah I chuck some in too. Fuck off you seedy cunt.

Jealousy and insecurity are massive red flags.
Also your past isnt his business.
Be thankful you dodged a bullet and move on.

Hahaha, he just wanted a shag … the number is clearly an excuse!

Did you sleep together after you told him ? Definitely a red flag, it's nobody's business how many people you've slept with, only yours. You deserve better, you'll meet someone, I met my DH 10 years ago online, some of them are decent tbf.

Where the fuck have I said it’s surprising? I’ve repeatedly said I understand it’s a deal breaker for some people. All I’ve said is I’m upset. Away with your judgmental bollox unless you’ve something valuable to contribute alongside it please.

Woah! No to a relationship but yes to casual sex on the basis that you have had casual sex in the past. What a knob. He is not the dream you think he is, clearly a big hypocrite happy to use you for sex bit not happy for you have had fun doing it the past. Knob.

Also narcissists are very good at mirroring in the early days of a relationship.. so pretending to be what you want them to be. I have no idea if this was the case but let’s say it was and you have just dodged a massive bullet. Good riddance to bd rubbish!

Agree

Most women don't recount the number of every single sexual encounter, like notches on a bed post. That's bound to risk making a new partner feel insecure, particularly if he hasn't had nearly as many.

Next time jif asked just give the number of partners since your last serious long term relationship and whether they were monogamous at the time. You don't need to lie, but a bit of cautious circumspection during the early stages of a fledgling dating relationship might not scare them off as much.. At some point if the relationship is developing into something meaningful, you could hand over your complete score card if you want to make a full and frank disclosure to ease your conscience, but the past is in the past and what you did when younger may not have any bearing on the person you now are.

I’d be willing to bet his number is 5 of 6 not 15

You slept with him op?

Yeah he was just after one thing and got it.

In future there is only 1 acceptable response to 'how many people have you slept with' and that is: none of your fucking business. If they can't handle that then tough. Bye bye.

Not at all

Other than the insecure, misogynistic and jealous prats, if you genuinely don't want to do swinging again I would be wary of telling boyfriends that you ever did, just in case they get all excited and hopeful you'll change your mind and they start nagging you to take them. I would worry about being fetishised and them getting all obsessive and creepy about it, then sulky that you would do it with other men but not with them.

I think he's been a shitbag OP.

Saying his number is 15 and he'd only accept 6 or 7 in a woman is misogynistic

Asking the question where he has very rigid preconceived ideas about what is acceptable should be done before feelings set in, or he should put it on his profile

Asking you for FWB when he knew how you felt about him is really disrespectful

And admitting he has an issue but basically won't do any work on himself to solve it (explore his prejudices with a therapist) shows he isn't open to growth

So overall he sounds a bit of a sexist with a Madonna/ where complex who is judgemental and incapable of change

How did you come to this hypothesis?

Hold on, I’m not judging you in the slightest. I’m just reading this thinking surely she realised that her past is not going to be palatable to a very many men. I know you’re sad - I totally see that. It’s a sad situation and I’m a huge romantic. I’d love for your story to end well. I’m just not ‘surprised’ it ended this way. I’m sorry for contributing.

He couldn't 'see past' a great shag? Wot?

He said he’d be comfortable with this number. I anticipate that it his real number which he has inflated for fear of being judged. It’s his reference point so he used that number.

Your own words will help you:

"he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it."

Think beyond it being about sexual history. He told you something important here. When things come up he won't work on it even when he knows he is responsible. And he's doing it with you too. He won't work on his own issues and he won't work on this relationship with you.
He's potentially saved you years of heartache by calling it off now. Aim higher.

OP, you don’t know this guy!

You dodged a bullet here

This man knew I really liked him, wanted to see how things went with a view to a relationship. But then deemed me not good enough for a relationship once he found out my sexual history, but had no problem putting a fwb arrangement on the table.

I get what you’re saying, but that’s how some men view a woman with a colourful sexual past - good enough for sex but nothing else.

"it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked."
it isn't something from your past that's cost you it's him being a knob. I don't see why people need to know your sexual history what you've done before you met him It's none of his unless there's something that he specifically need to know

Yes, if he was so concerned, surely you ask BEFORE you fuck.

What a line this 45 year old loser has managed to develop.

Exactly.

He didn't care enough to ask this question before sleeping with her.

It's just an excuse not to see her again.

OP
My views:
Your body count is fine.
Being honest is fine (probably better to know them slightly better maybe before going into details.)
Some people can handle it and those are the people who will be properly compatible with you.
You have dodged a poor match
Also agree with the posters who say being able to work on insecurities is vitally important.
Hugs

Sorry, this bit I don't understand - you were OK to have just shags with 80 people - so why not him, 81st as well? What was wrong with having sex with him in the same way as with the previous men?