Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

I never done a sexual audit with current partners…why would you?

As an adult whatever did you think telling him would achieve? That was an error. You never tell the truth when it comes to these matters. I personally never ask and don’t care. I focus on the here and now and future rather than the past

See i dont think anyone owes any one their numbers or access to their past information.

While I understand maybe mentioning swinging, I would set my boundaries v clearly regardless of the 9hour tea.

"Hey I dont feel comfortable in sharing numbers of how many people I slept with, and I dont need to know yours. If you have questions about my sexual health, I had X check recently and am good/happy to go for testing together . I have dabbled in swinging, these are my sexual preferences and I would like/not like to continue this in a relationship, what do you think?"

Thats as much as they would get out of me.

Its shitty when you get all excited about someone and then its gone, but you will feel better and when you are ready, get back out there!

That exactly right - you sound nice and trustworthy. Honesty is always the best policy. If you lie, it will come out in the wash in a long term relationship and it will be crushing for all involved.

I understand why the OP's upset - regardless of context, being rejected is horrible especially when you like the guy. I just don't understand the general view on this thread that it's an offensive position for him to take. It feels hypocritical.

Apologies to @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis if I was being cunty though. That wasn't the intention.

Thank you, and I’m so so sorry you lost your person, life can be so cruel, I hope you’re doing okay x

Is enjoying sex inherently immoral?

😂

I’m genuinely curious - you’ve never told anyone? What about long term relationships? Did you lie or refuse to answer?

Ah, now you're starting to sound like you are coming back to your senses 🙂.

The number is about 80, and the unusual aspect is swinging.
That’s something I feel I should be honest with a potential partner about right?

Well that is an impressive number. I'm impressed that you kept count after 20 tbh. 👏
And imo you only need to be honest about the swinging if it's something that is important to you (that defines you in some way, or that you want to continue taking part in). Otherwise it's not really anybody's business.

I think, all that we clicked immediately and there was so much chemistry is an illusion tbh. When it comes on quick like that, in my experience, the gilt wears off pretty fast.

Glad you're starting to feel better about it @HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis

This is brilliant advice!

💐 OP, This will pass. Stay strong and be proud. I suspect you have had a lucky escape.

Why did you tell him your whole sexual history? It is quite unnecessary and nothing to do with your next partner. Never mention it.

Yes I agree with this.

He sounds like a right projecting scumbag, to be honest. Happy to sleep with you after only a week, but won't even try to handle the fact you've done that with others before?

It sounds like you've been swindled and fallen for his nice guy act. Actually nice men do not chuck you over something like that while enjoying sex with you themselves.

Well he’s a piece of shit.
Listen, a lot of people would be uncomfortable about the swinging and would move on. What they wouldn’t do us sleep with you, compliment you on your skills, and then give you sob story.
Had things continued he’d have used your past about you at every turn.
He is a walking red flag pretending to be a nice guy.
You don’t know him.
I know you were excited about meeting him and the butterflies take over but in future, slow down a bit. Don’t rush it.
I am really, really sorry he treated you like this.
MN doesn’t have a great view of swinging as it often occurs with cheating husbands/partners without them knowing and is very painful.
But if it’s something you have done as part of a relationship then to be quite frank it’s your business. If you don’t wish to do it again I would leave it in your past. Personally, I think it’s your personal business and should stay with you.
I am a lot older than you and I think you should give yourself a break. You’ve let your guard down here but have far more morals than this manipulative grade-A shit who was quite happy to have sex with you again but not date you. Prick.

You surely understand that having done swinging and having slept with 80 people is going to put a large proportion of potential prospects off? Surely this isn’t surprising to you?

I told my xh my number and he told me his, but we were aged 20 and 22. I knew he was on 1, and I was at about 11 or 12 people. I somehow felt I wanted to get it out there. I was young and had developed fewer boundaries then.

But now I'm single again, I wouldn't tell a new man because I'm up to the high 20s and like many things in the last 5 decades, it's on a need to know basis!

Sorry to break it to you but “He’s just not that into you”

And even if he was you’ve dodged a bullet as he sounds like an insecure mess anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

Move on

My immediate thought here OP is that he can't get it up, and your experienced sexual past has frightened the life out of him because he knows he can't (or at the very least will have trouble) performing. I appreciate it may not feel like it, but I do think you are well out of it and I hope someone much better comes along - hopefully one that can get a raging stonker on demand.

Probably! At least for women 😂

It’s shit isn’t it? It does sound so stupid because I just wasn’t even looking for anyone, just snooping on the apps, and have developed a mistrust of men in general and had kind of given up and resigned myself to being single forever, which I was coming to terms with.

Then this guy appears, literally doors away from me, we instantly click, talk all day, can’t get enough of each other… he bloody told his parents about me and how we met too!

For the first time in so so long, I allowed myself to hope, to be excited, to feel a little giddy and let my guard down. And then bam… it’s all gone.

I’m really sorry that happened to you, and it took you so long to get over. I’m going to allow myself tonight to wallow and that’s it then, I just need to pick myself up and get over it and recognise he really wasn’t the guy for me. This thread is actually really helping.

And no, not near the Lake District 😅

I'd want to know about sexual preferences a bit out of the ordinary like swinging and if that still interested you. If not, no problem. I'd also want to know if you had any STIs.

I think men who want exact numbers are showing a red flag because it's so often used to slut shame.

He did offer a FWB arrangement if I ever wanted it, but I completely declined that and said I was worth more than that, and it wouldn’t be healthy for me.

He's a misogynist. You're good enough to have sex with quickly but not to date or have a real relationship with. 15 partners and never had STI tests? Yikes! More red flags.

I think you've dodged a bullet here. He's got a good front, but is already showing some nasty red flags. He's not as lovely as you think he is.

Did you sleep with him?

Yeah, I think the first week was far to early to reveal this!

Oh just read that you slept with him

my opinion of him has partly changed as I’m adding the words F*ck Boy to him being an insecure mess, what a narcissistic pr!ck. Happy to shag you now and again but apparently didn’t like you being shagged before enough to not have a relationship with tou 🤣🤣

Yes, the OP did.