Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

"I am pretty incredible in bed ..." ? Maybe it's just me who finds that a surprising comment ? It would explain why he's keen on an FWB arrangement - but there is more to a longterm relationship and maybe he couldn't see past that factor ? 🤷‍♀️

Great analogy!

This …a decent guy just wouldn’t ask if they were insecure about it. They would meet you now as you are now. He has a poor attitude to women so is no loss. All the loss you are feeling are your hopes projected onto him and not reality

I think if you look across religions / moral codes in societies a lot of it is about restraint. Much of it seems outdated these days eg gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. (as is Lust!)

I just felt the person arguing that this isn’t immoral was plain wrong, I wasn’t taking a position on whether or not being immoral is a problem. Since as you say, a lot of these stem from elderly men wanting to keep women down.

OP, reading your replies, you probably done the right thing by telling him. He sounds insecure, backward and incredibly hypocritical. His FVB offer is the icing on the cake - so you are good enough to shag, but not good enough for a relationship? He can go and fuck himself, in more ways than one.

Dont be sad. This relationship was dead from the start. Continue being yourself and I'm sure someone would appreciate you and love you for who you are.

Multiple red flags in the short time you interacted. I think you had a lucky escape.

In the nicest possible way draw a line under the 9hr cup of tea experience and move on

Men use things like this to excuse seeing women again. Move on, he wasn't for you. I'm sorry you feel sad, see it as lesson in what you want, looks like you do want to date again after so long, that's good xx

He can fuck off. So she is good to shag but not good for anything else? What is she, a sex doll? Imagine saying to a guy: you are a thick idiot and an embarrassment but I love your cock so I will only use you as a live vibrator. Deal?

Yes - I am glad she has lived and experimented in her youth!

i'm guessing its the rejection that's hurting you 🤗

but does not sound like he was not suitable for you

and he wasn't decent because of way he has behaved. No wonder you feel the way you do probably feeling used by him

you will find a connection with someone else
someone better who doesnt have his problems and also accepting of you
can you do something to make yourself feel better?
look after yourself/self care/ well being. 💐

This made me howl with laughter.

Thank you 😂

He’s allowed to have had 15 partners but his potential women can only have 5 or 6?!

I don’t find it surprising or weird. It’s something I’m good at, like people are good at running or tennis or playing an instrument 😅 But it’s also just a very small part of me. I’m kind, generous, protective, funny, loving, empathetic, resilient, intelligent, successful… I’m absolutely relationship material and it hurts to have someone who seemed to genuinely be starting to see all of that, completely closed the door because of the number of people I’ve slept with.

You sound almost apologetic about your adult sexual choices, like it's up to the man to be judge and jury over what is "acceptable" to him. You need to do some work on your assertiveness

"this isn't something I want to discuss so early in our connection" would put him back in his box and tell him you've got boundaries,

you have no way of knowing if he was truthful about his past, he could have been lying through his teeth. He sounds like a sanctimonious prig, urgh who'd want to be in a relationship with that!

😂

So he's in his 40s and expecting women of similar age to not have a past? But he's also somehow still made you think he's a nice guy. Yikes

Probably dodged a red flag there

Are you serious? You have never told your husband how many people you’ve been with? That’s such a fundamental thing to a relationship! I find that extremely odd. I wonder what else you haven’t told him. I wonder how stable your relationship is.

I agree, I like this analogy. Particularly because my older cars are the ones that have never let me down 😅

Just be careful that he isn’t negging you - making you feel ashamed and undesirable then ‘giving you a chance’ leading to a controlling relationship. Or he might pretend to give you a chance just for the sex then string you along.

You weren't wrong in telling him. I met my late fiancé at 46 (I'm 53 now, he died suddenly nearly 2 years ago). We knew everything there was to know about each other - good bad and fucking ugly, there were no secrets. At 46 I found my forever, my person, my soulmate, after a lifetime of extremely questionable choices. If he can't deal with your past that's a him problem and you deserve what I found. Unconditional love and acceptance x

Can we have some proof of this please?

I had something freakishly similar a few years ago. An impromptu date turned into a magical 24 hours together, genuinely felt like I’d met ‘the one’, which wasn’t even a thing I believed in. Regular texts/calls through the week, soul searching conversations, he even sent his mum and best female friend a pic of me and said he was on the most amazing date of his life.

next week another amazing date, talked about what we could do together, showed me round his home, then when I got home he sent me a text to say he couldn’t handle his anxiety about my ex.

it sounds ridiculous but I was pretty devastated for about a year. It made me question so much about myself- my trust, my bullshit detector, whether I could trust my own judgement. It was a deeply distressing experience, and so bizarre I found it very hard and embarrassing to talk to anyone about.

im so so sorry that this happened to you. I’m over it now, although I still think about him, but I’m in a beautiful healthy relationship now and I remind myself of how unhealthy that relationship would have been with someone who was clearly very damaged and had attachment issues.

out of interest, he wasn’t based near the Lake District was he?

I really hope you heal more quickly than I did x

I have to be honest, I wouldn’t be with anyone whose number ‘is high’ either. Total dealbreaker. Just wouldn’t be the right fit. The number says a lot about a person. Not necessary food or bad in and of itself but it is a revealing piece of information about a person. I’m sorry to say it because I understand the disappointment here. But previous sexual partners is really key. I think you’ll find many people like me/him out there. Doesn’t mean you should lie - that will end badly. But it will be a dealbreaker.

I think this really says it all.