Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

He wasnt nice or decent. Get a grip.

You need to do one!!!! The OP has said she really liked this guy.. clearly wanting more than FWB. It's actually really baffling that you can't seem to understand that. Either that, or you have deliberately wrote a little cunty reply to cause upset!

Sounds so familiar; girls you fuck and girls you marry, whores vs saints. If I were you I would think less of him for that.

So your idea of morals are the things that religious men tell people? To keep populations in line?

And by the way, I’ve always been incredibly committed to any partner I’ve been with.

And I’ve never heard of morals equalling restraint.

And if a moral code restricts your freedom, then it’s not one I want to follow.

I don’t steal, lie, cheat or hurt people. I work hard and give back to those I love and the community around me. That’s pretty moral in my eyes.

You’ve had a lucky escape. He’d only use this excuse later on. People who have more sexual partners aren’t necessarily going to be more willing to cheat.

I thought the same actually - I think this would be quite a standard male response. Wants someone who needs an emotional connection for sex and hasn’t slept with a lot of people as a girlfriend but if someone has slept with 80 people they’re clearly up for casual sex so why not do that? It’s quite a logical and rational response, not meant to be nasty I don’t think. Just not in tune with how the OP is feeling.

Are you high?

Its not "high" as such no one in their right mind would admit to it. Its just the was the society is! just laugh it off.

There is also something grubby in keeping a count. I slept with much less but I cant remember the exact number and I have no desire to count them.

Because she didn't preach at term about how their history lowered them in her eyes for a relationship but she still deemed them good enough to shag.

I have decided I cannot have a full emotional relationship with you because I think you've bought dinner for too many dates and I do not approve of it. But you can still buy my dinner. I'll accept you for that.

after reading
im now wondering if maybe you could find someone whose number was also quite high and had also been into swinging
im not sure how though
that way their history would be more similar to your history and they may be more accepting rather than have a problem with your history. so youd have nothing to worry about with them.

insecurity is a seperate thing though and someone can still have insecurity

this can become very unhealthy person can become jealous and paranoid etc

'Quite high' to who ?
Someones 3 might be too high for some ,some others may think 30 too high, others not many .
There is no correct answer to this and so that should be .
What else would this man disapprove of in time ?
Let him find some imaginary Madonna ,i think you will eventually look back on this and laugh at him.
How dare he 'judge' you .

So he thinks an acceptable number is 5-6 for you and 15 for him. You’ve dodged a bullet with is charmer. The disparity, misogyny and judgement in week one is breathtaking. You are a grown ass woman who can have as sex with as many people as you please, without judgement. Stop this ‘my number is high’ crap. You’re judging yourself unfairly. Your sexual history is no one’s business, and if someone judges you on it they don’t deserve your attention.

I had an ex that had these insecurities. He became abusive and would always bring up my sexual history (which was pretty vanilla) and use it against me everytime he fancied starting an argument. The abuse was also physical. I don’t think caring that much about someone’s past is normal. The guy probably would have turned out similar.

Wait a minute, it's fine to have lots of partners (it is) but it's grubby to know how many?

Definitely dodged a bullet. Sounds like an Andrew Tate fan. He'd have constantly brought it up and tried to shame you about it

It is if you are looking for a relationship.

DH has never asked me how many men I've previously slept with.

Same here. I know my DH had a serious long term relationship but that’s all. He knew I had a serious long term relationship but that’s all. I haven’t a clue how many other women he had sex with and don’t want to know because it was way before my time and the same with me. Nothing to do with him

He can't have been a decent man, otherwise - if your number really was the thing that put him off - he'd never had said that. It's too personal and potentially upsetting. He'd have said something wooly and general such as "not feeling the spark", or another gentler way of ending it.

There's nothing inherently morally superior about stopping yourself from doing something consensual, honest, non exploitative and above board that harms nobody just so you can say you didn't do it.

@Minasama

"Love your neighbour as you love yourself" - that is, treat others as you want to be treated.

Isn't that a moral code?

Anyway I think the OP has had a lucky escape with this guy and his double standards.

I cannot understand why you believe your private business is "honesty" towards someone you have literally 5 minutes ago.

I'm married decades and i don't believe my past is my husbands business.
He never asked either.

I genuinely think its bizarre.

I think your high number is very off putting for a man or a woman.
I wouldn't want to hear this.

I think he sounds like a creep.
Your boundaries are very poor.
You need to work on them to protect yourself.

He reads as a misogynistic twat with his FWB offer.

It is NOT lying to keep your business private.
You need to learn this.

Sorry Op but this is awful. What are you, a second hand car and he’s worried about the mileage? Good enough for a quick ride but not as a permanent fixture. He ‘generously’ downgraded you to a potential FWB because of your past. He’s not lovely. Good riddance. You can find someone like minded who really IS lovely.

Hi wonder what else he would have got jealous about if your relationship had progressed? What you wear, your make up, how pretty you look. It’s possible that it’s better it has ended now before you both got in too deep.

Very sad but at best you weren’t compatible and at worst he may have ended up being the controlling paranoid type. At least you’re free to find someone who accepts you for who you are. And you’re not being ridiculous - your feelings are valid.