Something really lovely ended after only a week, and I’m gutted.

[HelpMeComeToTermsWithThis]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m absolutely gutted over a man I only dated for about a week.

Im 38, had completely gone off dating. Happened to take a look on a dating app, spotted this handsome guy, and realised we actually lived really close by. He asked me out for dinner the following week but we ended up meeting for a cup of tea the following day and just clicked incredibly quickly. Spent 9 hours together that first meeting and there was loads of chemistry, we laughed constantly, and we both said there was something really lovely between us.

Met a few more times in the space of that week and it was just so lovely. The we went out at the weekend for dinner, had a few drinks and sexual history came up.

Mine is considerably more extensive and out there than his, and he struggled with it.

He has apparently always had an insecurity about his partners’ previous sexual partners. He has been cheated on in the past, and says it makes him feel inadequate.

He knows I’m trustworthy and has explicitly said he doesn’t think I would cheat. He also apparently knows that his reaction is an insecurity of his own.

He ultimately decided he couldn’t have a relationship with me because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

I tried to understand it and asked whether he thought this was something he could ever work through. He said he’d never really thought about it because he’d been married for so long, and that while he wasn’t happy to accept it, he was stubborn and probably wouldn’t work on it.

I gently said it seemed sad to let an insecurity make the decision without ever challenging it but he seems to have closed the door.

And that was it.

I know I need to accept that he has made his decision. I’m not going to chase him. But I’m really struggling with it because it felt so rare to meet someone where the connection was that immediate, and it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked.

I don’t need to be told that I should be grateful I dodged a bullet. I’m just really sad and wanted to let it out. Tell me the things I probably need to hear right now.

While I would never share my sexual history (or expect a partner to share theirs) he's done you a massive favour by exposing himself as an insecure, using, misogynist at this stage.

" it hurts enormously to think that something about my past has ultimately cost me someone I really liked"

No. Something about his hang ups has cost him something he really liked and you are lucky to have found out how judgemental he is before you got in too deep.

My number is about the same as you. I had a lot of good sex when I was younger (and quite a bit of bad sex). Post divorce I met my new husband who before me had only slept with two people, and none of the sex was particularly good.

I did tell him my number quite early on, and his only reaction was to say "oh, so that's why you are so good at this". I didn't see a point in being dishonest - if he was going to judge me for the sex there's quite a lot of other things he could judge me for to, and I needed to know he would not judge me. I've also been totally honest with him and told him that sex with him is the best I have ever had - he may not have had much practice but he's a natural, and turns out emotional connection DOES make it even better!

I'm currently not particularly good at sex or massively interested due to a flare up of an illness. I still love the less frequent times we do have sex, because he's NEVER pushy and doesn't feel at all entitled to it.

Its sad, but people have insecurities and know what they can deal with and its good he was honest with you, although not honest enough to say it to you before he slept with you which is a bit of a double standard.

I really don't get why his FWB offer is so offensive.

"I've slept with 80 men and I'm into swinging"
"I don't want a relationship with you then - but would you consider a FWB arrangement?"

You've already said you have a high sex drive and enjoy swinging but now somehow you're pearl clutching about casual no strings sex?

Baffling.

Don’t be an open book after 1 week of knowing someone. Hold your cards close to your chest for a while.

It’s not the topic of this thread but what are morals if not restraint? Of course it’s inherently immoral - whether or not you care to adhere to any kind of moral code is a separate issue.

Are you sure that he was actually looking for a relationship rather than just sex and FWB? The high count being a deal breaker for him sounds like an excuse to me and he only wanted sex all along.

Oh wow, just seen this re FWB. He's a prize isn't he. Ah well, at least he's shown you his true colours now, and you know it was never going to be the great love affair of the century.

No, it’s not baffling. I’m not involved in swinging anymore. I met this man and was honest that I was looking for a relationship, as he said he was. We proceeded on that basis and he knew I liked him and wanted to see where things went with a view to a relationship.

But he learned my number, and I was automatically demoted to a shag and not worthy of perusing a relationship with.

He was happy to add to my ‘number’, while simultaneously judging me for that number.

I don’t see why it’s baffling to see how that would offend someone?

That's restraint from doing harmful things. What's harmful about consenting, above board, non cheating adult sex?

because he knows the thoughts about my past would “fester”.

this is a red flag.

if you had got with him could turn into a very toxic/abusive relationship with his insecurity
as he can't cope with it this wouldn't just go away

you dont want someone who has a problem with your past/history
better to find someone who doesn't 💐🙏🏻

Why is it inherently immoral?

Oh yes, because a woman wanted a type of relationship at one point in her life she can never change or move on or want something different!
She's offended because the guy told her she's not good enough to date but only good enough to fuck does that help explain it?

According to what definition to morals = restraint? That's not my understanding of the word.

It's absolutely not immoral - morals are restraining from doing things that hurt people. If swinging is something done by people who are all equally into it there's absolutely nothing immoral about it.

Or are you one of those people who thinks sex is something that should be endured for procreation rather than enjoyed for fun

That's pretty insulting. She has send she used to swing with a specific partner, so she had a partner at that time and they chose to swing,. No strings attached swinging but she was in a relationship.

He has presumably not suggested FWB until after he slept with her and said he can't cope with her sexual history, well sorry but he coped with it well enough to have sex with her and then translated that meant she was into FWB type relationships. Double standards I think.

She wants a committed relationship, she made that clear.

That's only offensive if you think having sex with multiple partners (serially or at once) is inherently immoral or a downgrade.

Presumably she's fucked plenty of men who are good for sex but not people she would choose to date or have a relationship with? Why is this different?

Because any moral code you care to follow indicates restraint and commitment rather than excess and freedom. These are usually religious.

If you don't understand why being told you're not good enough for a relationship but only good enough for a fuck is offensive, regardless of sexual history, you're a lost cause.

Again, what definition of morals are you using? You are making some strong assumptions there!

Why is a shag a 'demotion' ?

This. Its NOT normal to ask, and NOT normal to give a full breakdown of who, how, how many times and in what position. Its gross, actually.

My God, who told you that??? No, its none of their business.

It’s different, because the people I slept with knew I was purely there for sex, as were they. A very clear understanding and boundary.

This man knew I really liked him, wanted to see how things went with a view to a relationship. But then deemed me not good enough for a relationship once he found out my sexual history, but had no problem putting a fwb arrangement on the table.

It isn't as long as you don't cheat or deceive people. You didn't so I have no idea what the poster is on about. And I say this as a prude now completely asexual 46 y old who has had very few partners (because I never enjoyed it).