Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

He's broken because his nasty employer has ruined (for a few days anyway) his relationship with the person he loves - the one he's had a connection with like he's never had before. That's why he's broken. Who wouldn't be.

He's had to do what the nasty employer has asked because he needs money to live but soon enough, him and her will figure a new way out of it, new job for one of them maybe, and then they'll be back in each other's arms.

And you? And you and your kids?

Yes, I'm not being mean, I know it must be horribly difficult but it seems like OP is already determined to stay, blames OW rather than husband and isn't taking any reply on board. I mean that's fair enough but OPs mind is made so firmly up already..not much point in posting it seems. Maybe looking for pointless reassurance rather than reality?

I’m astounded that you are directing all of your anger at her.
Not the man who vowed to cherish and love you for all of your lives.
He betrayed you.
Not once but twice and carried on for a year.
Having sex with her OP.
Sex and very intimate times with another woman who he still professes his love for.
While you sat at home with your children. Oblivious.
He was shagging another woman.
The bastard must be clapping his hands at what a pushover you are.
You really need to talk to someone about this to find out why you are so willing to sit back and be walked over in the worst possible way.

Definitely OW didn't make vows, the husband did. He deserves all the wrath and more.

Oh boo hoo. So he feels broken. I bet he does now there is a risk he will lose everything. While you are being such a doormat he will continue to take advantage of you. Have some respect and stop relying on him for some crumbs of happiness.

From what I understand from your post OP is that he split with her as his boss found out? So he had to split or lose his job?

Don't be second best. I'm not sure that he has chosen you over her. The cheek of him saying that he loves her and had a connection. Well, what happens if he finds another connection again?
Seriously, OP, think about yourself. Don't let him treat you like this. You deserve better. So what if his mh is suffering. What about yours? You'll just be waiting for him to have another affair or somehow restart the old one.
By accepting this, you're telling him that its ok for him to have an affair as you've stayed with him.
I couldn't get over this. Doesn't matter if you're families and entwined. He should've thought of that himself before being such an arsehole. You only get one life OP. Your family is not you. They will get over it and they live their lives as they want. Why shouldn't you?-by being without someone who is treating like a doormat.
Bin OP. Look after yourself.

He's not broken by what he's done. He's broken because he's had to end the affair with the woman he loves and who he's had the best connection with, because his employer caught them. Not because YOU caught them, because he carried on for a long time after that. Not giving a flying fuck about how he was hurting you or the kids then.

If your kids are in their teens and he is trying to save face by appearing to be the good family man. You can guarantee hel be off as soon as the kids move to uni or leave the family home. Then youl have wasted years more of your life on this absolute cretin, whilst he bided his time.

@ThatDeepOcean " I hate her for what she’s done".

She owes you nothing.

The man you married, have built a life with and had children with, has deceived you without compunction. He also had the goddamn nerve to tell you how much he loved her and snuck behind your back to see her.

No wonder he doesn't want his children, your families and friends knowing, it's because he's a low life snake and he worries what they'll think!

Your hate should be solely aimed at him, how will you ever trust him again?

By acquiescing to his extra marital relationship, you will destroy your soul and any sense of worth you may currently have @ThatDeepOcean

My heart truly goes out to you.

“But I guess it’s just easier to blame someone abstract and outside my marriage than the very person I have to face every day and work towards a future with, especially when he now seems truly broken by what he has done and wants to work on himself.”

Love, gently, he isn’t broken by what he has done. Regardless of what tale he has spun to you.

….and you don’t have to work towards a future with him. The future is likely to be bleak with him; you will never trust him again and it will be miserable.

You can have a much happier life without him in it, I am very certain of it. Right now, you just can’t see it.

I think he is highly skilled at playing to your empathetic side. If he was truly broken by what he had done 1. He wouldn’t have carried it on for over a year 2. He wouldn’t have lied to you that it was over and carried it on again and 3. He would’ve have finished it himself rather than be forced to finish it (I still would bet my house that it is not finished). He is having his cake and eating it.

My arsehole cheating ex threatened suicide when his affair was discovered. The first time I panicked and decided to stay and do what you’re doing right now and let him “work on himself”. When he was discovered a second time I knew I was done, and he threatened suicide again. This time I just replied “well that would be your choice and not my responsibility if you made that choice”. I could see it for what it was, an emotional manipulation tactic. I called his mum and let her take over flapping around and worrying about his mental health. He didn’t give a fuck about mine.
Needless to say, he never went through with the threat. It was all to get me to do what he wanted which was shut up and put up.

I think your H knows exactly what to say to play you OP.

Your husband destroyed you. Your husband made you ill. These were his choices. Your husband lied to you. Your husband has emotionally abused you and traumatized you. He's the one married to you, not her.

He exposed you to risk of infection and other flora by fucking another woman for years. Why don't you vent at him? He freely made his choices.

Like I said, get STI testing.

I was cheated on by a serious BF long ago and the other woman was barely a blip on my radar because he was the one in the relationship and he was the one who chose to step out.

You're afraid to tell others and hold your husband truly accountable for his affair. The problem is, your marriage is in reality already over. He would rather be with another woman. He only told you because it's out at work and he wanted to get in front of any blowback from that reaching your ears before his story.

Your mom set you the example of taking back a cheater and you were primed to do that too. But this is a long term affair rather than a brief fling. Would you want your kids in a marriage where their spouse was having a long term affair and in love with the affair partner and telling your kid about their special connection?

OP you need to walk away from this man not only has he lied to he then continued the relationship and the only reason he has supposedly ended it is because the boss found out

• I’m not convinced the relationship is over between him and his work colleague

• I think he only told you because he’s been caught out at work and feared someone else may tell you

Have you asked him how he got caught out by the boss?

Do not let him play the mental health card on you how does he think your mental health is right now after what HE has done he caused this shit storm

You have given everything to this man including a second chance are you really going to give him another chance after finding out he lied to you again
He has told you he loves another woman
Please walk away with your head held high and don’t look back because he will continue to cheat on you now he knows you’ll keep forgiving him
I wouldn’t be able to be in the same house as him let alone in the same bed as for sex absolutely not a chance I just couldn’t do it

You will never trust him again and when there’s the “Hi hunny I’m going to be late home tonight” or “I’m just popping to X I’ll be about an hour” are you going to believe him because I know sure as hell I wouldn’t
My heart genuinely breaks for you but please don’t stay with him with his empty promises and wondering dick he’s lied, cheated and betrayed you you deserve so much more than that
Wishing you well OP and I’m sorry he’s done this to you

After reading your opinion on her I wouldn't reply either if I was in her shoes.

He's the one that did that. Hes the one that made the vows, that was meant to love and care about you. She owes you nothing, you are a stranger. If it wasn't her it would be someone else. Still could be in time.

He knows now you will stick around no matter what and keep his secret from anyone else for him on top. Nothing to stop him now. Will still hide it for an easy life, but if worse comes to worse he got nothing to loose

Rule One of Misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

You've no idea what lies he's told her. "Our marriage is over in all but name, we aren't sharing a bedroom, we are only still in the same house for the kids" is a popular one.

Your husband alone is responsible for his actions. Men are perfectly capable of ignoring a woman's interest when they want to, up to and including a willing woman stripping naked and climbing into bed next to them in the hope of a repeat of last week's performance.

He's never felt such connection to the OW and yet has wasted her time too, how did work find out? Some risky behaviour there...because she's just sex and you hold his family together ..he is using you both...I don't believe for one minute he has MH issues...he is just a nasty creature.

It's time to get over fear of being alone to reach an authentic life on the other side. Or look back and realise you were used until some magical time when his libido dies down? Then you think that would be a happy old age?

I mean which is it, she’s a wanton temptress who tricked him into her bed…or she’s the love of his life?

Cause he can’t even keep his own story straight.

I think you need to have some self respect and tell him to leave, he doesn’t love you, if he did he wouldn’t have cheated on you in the first place, and he wouldn’t have lied about ending it, he told you he loved her in ways he’s never felt before, the man is a cunt. Don’t let him use you like that.

Speaking as someone who has been there, you're fighting for something that doesn't really exist. It doesn't matter how much you want your marriage to work and be happy, it doesn't work and it never will. The relationship you're fighting for exists only in your memories/imagination. He says he loves you, but these are not the actions of a man in love. What he loves is his nice, stable life, with finances in order, a house he presumably likes, his family around him. He wants to keep all that (and probably you cooking his dinner and doing his laundry) while he lies to you and shags his dream girl. I'm sorry OP. I know I sound harsh, but I'm just angry on your behalf. He's fooled you twice. He'll never stop. Have some self respect and move on to the next chapter of your life. It's hard, but it must surely be better than this.

Why did he own up to this latest (continued) affair the second time? You presumably didnt suspect anything.

If I were you I’d be extremely cautious. I’ve heard of women who take their ‘repentant’ husbands back after the affair has been uncovered and it has almost destroyed them - and then when the youngest kids are 18/ they’ve flown the nest, the arseholes take up with the previous AP or find somebody else and ditch the wife regardless. They don’t have to pay child support and kids are leading their own lives so they’re not missing out on family time with them once they’ve gone. Hideous.

Why would you want it to recover? He’s telling you who he is.

You've protected him before and you're doing it again. All because you can't accept reality. This is entirely up to you - if you wish to stay you can of course its your life. But I am beyond certain he will either continue to do this and you just put up with it or he'll leave you for another woman eventually. Either way is this the prize you want to win?

Why do you think your children will hate him? Your mother managed to make you accept your father’s infidelity.

You are using the children as an excuse to turn your devision to accept his cheating from foolish self martyrdom into a heroic gift to the children. Its not going to be like that. They eill know, sooner or later, snd they will despise you both. Your daughter will learn that she must accept inequality and male infidelity in her relationships. Your son will learn that men are untouchable, that fidelity is a lie they make to their wives but do not expect from themselves.

Sadly yes you are being a fool. Eventually he will leave you. A tale as old as time.

This could have been me. When I was pregnant with DC 3 he embarked on a year long affair with an ex partner. Throughout my pregnancy and early months at one point even going on holiday with her. After months of being gaslit I found out and asked him to leave. He went for six months then begged to come back it was all a mistake etc. I told very few people and not the family about why it had happened.. protecting him and shame I guess...we stayed together another 8 years and I eventually left him as he wouldn't leave. I lost the family home and never lived with my children full time again. They still dont know why. The fabrication and deceit around our marriage was too entrenched. My biggest regret.. letting him come back. Not being honest with those around me. Im happy now and my kids are good but there is always a price to pay about not being honest with yourself and others.