Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

Of course it can work, as long as he gets his cake and eats it and you keep your standards really low.

Don't believe him, don't stay with him & don't trust him.

He will leave you in a few years once the kids are adults & feels a greater sense of "freedom".
Your marriage as you knew it, and as you appear to perceive it, is over.

There is no way back from this, it will always be there and it will eat away at you.
Trust me, I know what I am talking about.

The best thing you can do now is quietly seek legal advice, find out your rights and start to make plans to end your marriage.

Just before the Sun Eclipse last month I saw this:
‘Those of you who returned to your ex more than twice can watch the solar eclipse without glasses. You are already blind anyway.’

Op 🫂 i was in your shoes and was the same regarding anger at the ow. But all the previous posters are correct. This is all on HIM. He CHOSE to do this to you. He made that decision and could of said no back off. It carried on. Got more intense from him. He didnt accidentally fall into her ladybits or pursue her. It was his choice to keep it going. As hard as this is please please try to end it with him. It will destroy you. You will stay trapped in a toxic cycle of never trusting him and with anxiety. I know its devastating. I really REALLY know how hard this is.😞💔 Im 3 months on from walking away. X

Why did he tell you second time? How did you find out ?

So in a nutshell he's more bothered about saving face! He doesn't want to be judged! I actually think you're married to my ex! I was you, in your situation and wanted my marriage to work so bad but every time I looked at him I saw a cheat, someone that I would never trust ever again. I filed for divorce because I knew eventually we would divorce at some point! There is no deeper betrayal than being cheated on and no matter how much you want it to work it will eat away at you every minute of every hour of every day. You are worth so much more than that!

He only told her the second time because his boss found out otherwise the prick would have kept it to himself

@ThatDeepOcean - I’m posting a third time because i can’t see that you’ve taken on the point that you don’t need to decide anything yet.

You don’t need to decide to stay; you don’t need to decide to go. Take your time. Tell him you’re still processing and he will simply have to deal with the uncertainty that comes with that.

This is a situation that he voluntarily created. He is not at the mercy of this other woman and do not allow him to suggest otherwise. You need to shut that narrative down because it’s pathetic and despicable. Most married adults manage not to sleep with other people who show an interest. That’s what commitment is about. Please stop indulging that utterly demeaning shit from him which desperately insults your intelligence.

Get him out of the bedroom if you possibly can (you can tell your children that he snores if necessary).

Focus on yourself. I’m sure many of the other PP feel the same as me when I say I am really sick already of reading about how he feels and how this all matters to him and how you are bending over backwards to protect him.

Just stop. Focus on yourself. What do you enjoy doing? What are your interests? What is very clear from all this is that you desperately need to find yourself again because you have completely lost yourself. You seem unable to think of yourself in terms that do not involve him. But you exist as a separate person. There is important role modelling for your children here as well.

Find yourself again. Do what interests you for a bit. Outings with friends/cinema/theatre/evening classes/choir/walking etc. Do these things without him. Once you have found yourself again, the decision-making will be clearer and easier.

So you're deliberately deluding yourself that it was her fault so you can delude yourself that you have a future with this man who you are deluding yourself can be fixed. He was and still is in love with her in a way he apparently has never felt before. This isn't some poor man who was made to do anything. If he's broken at all, it's because his boss found him out and made him stop the cheating (if he really has stopped, he could start again at any point and is still in love with her regardless). Any 'work on himself' isn't about regret or being a better husband.

He may want to have not been found out so he could still be with her, but don't for a minute think this is because she persisted and wouldn't let him end things. He has done this to you, not her. The more you buy into this myth of blaming her, the more doomed your future is because you're perpetuating the lies. Same with wanting to keep up the facade of some happy marriage/family to the community. You are trapped by lies on all sides and if that's what you choose, that's what you'll get. Until he gets honest and leaves when the kids are older. Sorry to be harsh, but you sound to be willingly making self-defeating choices.

OP think about this. If your DH hit you, and you thought that was terrible but forgave him anyway, and then he hit you again, what would you think about that? What would you do? Think about what the same thing happening twice means. It becomes a pattern of behaviour, not just a one off accident. Would you stay to be hit again? And again? Wpuld you advise a friend to stay if she had been hit twice by someone who was supposed to love her?

He is putting his wants and needs above you. He has broken your trust repeatedly and WILL do it again. He's already left the marriage mentally, he just needs to find the right moment or woman to make the decision final and he will be gone. Don't be a coward.

she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it
OP I think you are looking at this all wrong, she didn't force him, he didn't accidentally trip up and land in her fanny did he!
He destroyed him, he's now destroying you, your trust, your faith and your family. HIM not you, not her really ( although I'd want to do unmentionable things to her).
He's a cunt, he has taken you for granted, oh let me fuck another woman, let me fall in love with another woman, ThatDeepOcean won't mid and she will forgive me ...his choice.
What I will say is that I was never able to forgive the betrayal and the complacency of just because I had a child with him I would stay! I wasted 2 precious years, never again.
Fuck him off OP, he lied every morning when he opened his eyes, every evening when he sat with you and the kids, every break you had as a family, he lied to your face, to your children's faces, to everyone who knew him!
Plus has the seer audacity to look for sympathy after he lied, and was then caught by his work, simple put if they hadn't caught him he still be shagging her!

Perhaps OP needs some time to digest. Some time to wake up from the befuddlement and mental chaos that being lied to and cheated on creates in the betrayed spouse.

OP, please reach out IRL to someone, anyone - a friend, a therapist. You need to find someone with steady boots on the ground, some solidity, some reality.

Right now you're listening to a lying liar who is still lying and manipulating you. He is 100% taken the affair underground. Him being "broken" is probably him not being able to see her because he's laying low until he massaged you back into believing his lies, so he's missing her.

He doesn't love you, he wants the household and familial work that you do for him. That's not because you're unlovable, it's because he is a weak, entitled, selfish, and foolish man.

He will leave you, whether it's in the next year or after the youngest has finished school. Brace yourself, protect yourself and your children, especially from financial shenanigans.

He's a LIAR, OP. He's lying to you.

Agree with this, and to add - after he hits you, he then goes on about how broken he is so you have to sympathise and try to centre him working on himself. Plus taking no responsibility for what he's done and blaming everyone else but himself. It's so deeply twisted and perhaps you're mentally trapped by his messed up methods and unable to summon the energy/anger/self-esteem to do what's right for you. But don't kid yourself. It's all on him and he's still doing it, hurting you. He is not redeemable.

This thread is very similar to another one , which is ongoing from last year

You're never going to feel emotionally safe again.

The connection he felt with her eclipses what he has with you.

He lied and let you go through great hurt pretending to be sorry, knowing he was continuing to lie.

He never chose to end it himself. His desire to change or to look after you was never strong enough.

He is more worried about other people's opinions than what he has done to you.

You're staying because you're terrified of change. At the very least, you need to separate for a while. Please take it from someone who has learned the hard way that the trauma you've gone through, if you continue to stay in this situation, could escalate into a breakdown that would be far more terrifying than leaving now.

Still don't see why boss would have told Op

Don’t play the pick me game and don’t let him manipulate you with mental health. His actions not yours. You have been more than reasonable and this is how he repaid you. You can do so much better than his scraps

What is going to stop you husband doing this again, with the same woman or a new one.... Absolutely nothing as you have proved to your husband that you don't blame him, you blame the OW!

He is a heartless, selfish prick who only cares about his image... He doesn't care about his family set up let me tell you, if he did, there would have been no affair, let alone a second one! He is treating you like a fool, and you're allowing him to!

‘I truly don’t think his motivations for staying with me are financial. He is primarily concerned with hurting our children and wider family, being judged by and losing friends and family.’

So nothing about you OP he is worried about the kids (fair enough) and HIS reputation- nothing about how you are, how he has treated you…

He is not depressed… he is sad because he got found out!! If work hadn’t have done the right thing he would still be with her. He is playing a game - he is sad, upset, wants to be with you, loves her - what a fucking prick!!! All he is thinking about is himself, stop being passive and getting angry with this idiot!!!

If you are insistent on making this work - which for me is prolonging the inevitable - do not make it easy, he needs to work hard and show commitment - why hasn’t he changed jobs? You have already shown you will put up with any crap he throws at you. You now need to be clear and in charge of this - he does not get a say on how this will be managed.

I would though be using my energy to focus on me, leaving him, building my confidence and self esteem (which should never be linked to another person!) and building a new, calm life. Because you will never trust him again and tbh its no way to live!!

He's heartbroken by what he's done and feels terrible? Are you mad?

Think of the torture you went through since you first found out abpit the affair. You've described the daily anguish you went through...he saw that, he saw the pain he had caused you first hand and all the while was continuing the affair. He LET HIMSELF FALL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

Facing up to the pain of that is horrific so I get why you want to be angry with her instead but nothing could tempt a good and loyal man away from his wife. Fact.

Sadly, it's not an uncommon situation.

I don't suppose his employers did tell her.
But he has been moved to a different department. And he probably could find no excuse or plausible lie to explain this. Especially if the move just came out of the blue

Honestly, I think it’s because it’s quite a common issue. I know it’s horrible to say, but some people will put up with so much betrayal because they “love him” or don’t want to split the marriage up. The thing is, the cheater is the one who didn’t love their partner whilst being disloyal and the person who split the marriage up.

I personally can’t understand myself why OP would consider staying, her children are 15 and 16 so not young at all. It worries me that she believes he will change or thinks the OW lured him or was the one forcing her husband to cheat. I would really consider therapy in this situation

It must be really hard for OP to let go of the vision she has of growing old with her husband and transitioning to being parents of adult DC but still being a family. I get it. For many years she has thought she knows what her future post raising children will look like, and the idea of that being ripped away is really scary.
The truth is OP, he has ruined this vision for you. It will never be like it was supposed to in your mind, because he is not the person you thought he was. He is not even trying to be that person. Your marriage is no longer built on trust and mutual respect, it is undermined by lies and selfishness. You deserve better, he deserves none of the discretion and tolerance you are giving him. Instead he deserves to face the full consequences of his actions, if that is judgement and condemnation from his family, so be it. It might hit home then what he has sacrificed for a quick shag.