Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

So basically he wants to keep it quiet or doesn’t want you to tell anyone because it will make him look bad! Can’t believe what I’m reading!
He’s also saying he doesn’t want to hurt the children, ie silencing you. What a gem, yes op, I’d fight to keep him as well…

So basically he wants to keep it quiet or doesn’t want you to tell anyone because it will make him look bad! Can’t believe what I’m reading!
He’s also saying he doesn’t want to hurt the children, ie silencing you. What a gem, yes op, I’d fight to keep him as well…

So basically he wants to keep it quiet or doesn’t want you to tell anyone because it will make him look bad! Can’t believe what I’m reading!
He’s also saying he doesn’t want to hurt the children, ie silencing you. What a gem, yes op, I’d fight to keep him as well…

He didn’t care about hurting your children when he had the affair.

It's up to you what you do, do what you want not what you think is best for kids, best for him etc. It's not you that has caused this. His mental health is poor because he's been living a lie. Your marriage has been a lie for years. That means you get to choose, whenever you want to choose. It doesn't have to be now. And people may gossip for a while but so what, it's not exactly a scandal is it.
You can divorce him and the kids will cope. You can stay together and you'll cope, but do you want it now you know your husband doesn't love you except as an image booster, a security blanket, a backdrop to his primary relationship?
And he's a wimp who only ended it when his employer found out, not you! WTF. His job's more important than his marriage. He will definitely be scared of losing assets in a divorce and who wouldn't be. Would it be you or him losing a chunk of pension, having to move out, pay maintenance etc?
You say he tried to end it and she persisted but is this plausible? You only know what he's told you, it would be interesting to hear her side of it.
I'd start divorce proceedings as I'd presume he'd leave once the kids are at uni anyway. It's just throwing more years away.

Do you really believe that this married man would be willing to lie to his wife, children, friends and family but is not willing to lie to his employer and colleagues so he can carry on having sex with this woman he claims to love? You really believe that. No, what he’ll do is just add his employer and colleagues to the list of people he doesn’t give a fuck about and lie to them too.

Lady this is bad enough as it is, but even if you stay with him (please don't) HE STILL HAS AN ACTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER at work. He still sees her and talks to her everyday. This is genuinely going to spin you into a grave. No person could withstand this, you're going to commit immense self harm on yourself. Please please confide in your nearest and dearest because you're completely blinded by fear of leaving & being in your own at the moment, but the alternative is far far worse. And I say that as someone who is in a marriage I should have walked away from 17 years ago.

“she's destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy.”

come on @ThatDeepOcean read that sentence back and see just how ridiculous you sound.

Are we meant to feel sorry for this poor man because he was “tempted” by a woman and are we meant to believe that he carried on an affair behind his wife’s back because he’s such a good guy and just wanted to keep everyone happy.

🙄🙄🙄

The utter shit that @ThatDeepOcean is now sprouting about the other woman....37 years on, and I'm STILL hearing the same deluded crap from my mother!

In her eyes, it's all the other woman's fault - she tempted my father to stray, she's a whore, etc...my poor father was defenceless against her evil feminine wiles. Like the OP, it's fucking laughable.

Also interesting that the OP 'trusts' that her husband is 'telling the truth' about his current interactions with the other woman...but shouldn't that mean that she also trusts that he meant it when he told her that he loves the other woman?

“I truly don’t think his motivations for staying with me are financial. He is primarily concerned with hurting our children and wider family, being judged by and losing friends and family”

Notice how you, his wife, do not feature here in reasons why you believe he is staying with you. Not because he loves you, not because he’s sorry he’s hurt you, not because he wants to uphold his vows to you, but because he’s worried about every single other person around him and how they would react. He’s not choosing you, OP, he’s choosing his own image and reputation.

You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to, OP.

You are well within your rights to look the other way re: his affair, and certainly wouldn’t be the first woman to do so.

It would, however, be naive to believe that he will change. He will not. He has proven this. I would only stay if I were in a position to accept the non-monogamy, which would be VERY difficult to do—I don’t think that I could.

“But I have to trust that he’s telling me the truth if I’m going to try to make this work”

Well, no, you don’t. Trust is earned. He shattered the trust you had and now if you are keeping him, he will have to find a way to rebuild it. He doesn’t just get it given back. You don’t owe him believing anything at face value.

I’d actually, be inclined to ask her her side. Sure, she could lie, or she could tell you the truths that he hasn’t.

Cause yeah, I’m not saying that no woman has ever lied to the wife when comfronted but, more often than not, you will find that he has been lying to you both. Eg, the common one they tell the wife is that the mistress is an evil temptress. And the common one they tell the mistress is that the wife is a heartless cow and they are only still together for the kids.

How about asking her op? If his phone has her number, call her. Don’t tell him you are going to though, don’t give him time to brief her on what to say.

@ThatDeepOcean I truly believe his head isn’t in a good place - she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy.

This poor guy... and such an evil temptress 🤣 Basically the mistress has dumped him for x and y reasons (she probably got tired of emotionally investing in a man who was never going to leave the wife or maybe she met a single more handsome guy and realized how much time she had wasted). If course his head is not in a good place, the man is heartbroken while the OP is gaslighting herself doing mental hoops to justify him.

I contacted the OW on both occasions - she didn’t reply either time. But then I didn’t ask her anything or try to get her side of the story, it was mainly me venting my anger at her. I hate her for what she’s done to me my and my family - she was never his to begin with and she has destroyed me and made me ill.

"I do truly believe his head isn’t in a good place - she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy."

So she's the evil temptress? He fell into her magical vagina because she lured him?

Op, this is utter UTTER NONSENSE.

He's a disloyal selfish liar. He lies and lies and lies and lies and lies. EVERY word that comes out of his mouth is a lie or a half truth. Stop believing him.

Normally I wouldn't say this but maybe in this case you should contact the other woman and exchange notes. You know what he's telling her?

"i don't love my wife, she's crazy, I've been unhappy for years. But the kids need me, I need to stick things out until they're grown [when I won't have to pay as much]."

"I promise you we'll be together, just be patient [so I can plough you and eat cake while keeping my wife doing the wifey stuff]"

Tell your friend, OP. I promise you no one will look down on you. You didn't cause this. He did.

Put the blame where it belongs. Not on you. Not on the OW. It belongs on HIM.

SHE has destroyed you and made you ill?

Stop protecting him from the consequences of what HE did. You don't have to decide today whether to leave him. But for God's sake, make your decision about the man who actually exists, not the version of him you're having to invent in order to stay

He has destroyed you. He was the one who made vows to you.

HE HAS DESTROYED YOU, HE HAS MADE YOU ILL, IT IS HIS ACTIONS, NOT HERS.

Oh and another fucking newsflash - NO ONE BELONGS TO ANYONE ELSE. HE'S A PERSON, NOT FUCKING PROPERTY. HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER BECAUSE HE FUCKING WANTS TO.

But yeah, blame her. Of course your precious fucking husband can do no wrong. Christ, it's like it's 1989 again and I'm stuck listening to my mother's crap...

It’s clear that you’re painting her to be the villain and him to be her victim. That’s nativity at its finest and everyone else can see it but you, which is exactly why you don’t want to tell anyone IRL. But fine, choose the man who will never choose you, we’ll see you back here in a few months.

The thing is, she hasn’t though. She didn’t magically steal his cock. She’s not a witch. Might be a bitch tbf. But it’s him that betrayed you.

Maybe he tells her you are a total psychopath or something. Maybe he told her not to reply. Maybe he fools her just like he fools you.

I was sure after I found out the first time that if he did it again I’d get rid - and yet here I am, still with him, still wanting to believe he can change, that he means it this time.

And he knows this. In fact he's counting on this to be able to continue cheating, whether it's with this particular woman and their incomparable connection, or others down the line.

Maybe once he gets old and can't get it up anymore he'll stop looking for better connections in other women, and he'll be glad he stayed with you, his comfy old slippers. Not sure how you'll feel at that point though.

Yes, this is sad but true. Many women have and do accept long term, permanent philandering because they prefer to stay married. But if you do this, you need to be fully aware and on board that that's what this is; he will not change and will not choose to give her up, so this is what life will be. He is not telling the truth about his contact with her, so make your decision based on this knowledge.

You also need to be prepared for the very real possibility that he will decide to leave at some point anyway, so protect yourself financially and emotionally. Could you handle making this sacrifice, knowing what he's doing, to stay married, only for him to up and leave when it suits him anyway?

I can't recommend doing this, but if you do, have your eyes fully open and protect yourself.

If it's been discovered at work, I do wonder how much longer it can stay a secret and what he might decide if he no longer has a reputation to lose.

I do truly believe his head isn’t in a good place - she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy.

He is taking you for an absolute mug.

I hope you showed as much, and if not more anger towards your pathetic cheating cunt of a husband that you did to the woman.

She never “tempted” him. He acted on his own. He made a choice.

Leave him. He doesn’t love you. I’m sorry but he doesn’t.

He didnt accidentally fall into her vagina. His affair were a series of his decisions and his decisions only.

Read the 'Chumplady' website. Its life changing. Good luck OP.

Total deflection. She wasn't married to you, he was. He's not property she could steal from you, he's a person who made choices. He did all this and he will continue to do it. Blaming her just makes it easier for him.

And if you stay married to him, he'll be carrying on with this woman you hate so much. How long will you be able to maintain the deflection while he continues to make this choice?