Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

@ThatDeepOcean she owes you nothing, your husband is the one who has caused you pain, he is the one who owed you loyalty. From your comments you don’t seem to be able to hold him accountable for his actions, it’s all her fault, she tempted him, she wouldn’t take no for an answer, she took advantage of his kind nature. This is just such a bizarre view to have, I know it might be less painful to believe the person you trusted most in the world hasn’t betrayed you over and over, lied and deceived you, consciously made choices that cause you immense pain but that is the reality. He is to blame, he should be the focus of your anger, she is nothing in this situation.

You could really benefit from therapy to address your inability to face the truth, your desire to hide his shame and hold it as your own, why you believe it’s better to stay with a man who has hurt you in the cruelest way, says he’s in love with someone else, only ended it because work found out and has lied and betrayed you innumerable times than to be brave and go it alone.

Every day you will be holding in this knowledge, scared he’ll do it again, petrified of your life blowing up, that’s no way to live. Take control, tell the world who he is. If you choose to stay that’s up to you but don’t give him the easy way out by facing no consequences for his repeated betrayals.

Stop it OP!!

SHE has not done this. She owes you nothing. She's made no promises to anyone. You are so angry at her. She could have been anyone. Your husband is a grown, married man who chose to have an affair. Where is the anger at your husband?!

Your husband did it. He is the one who promised you things when he married you. He has done this to you and your family. He has "destroyed you and made you ill".

This attitude of blaming the OW and not your husband is beyond ridiculous but I feel like you have to place your anger somewhere and for whatever reason you refuse to see your husband for what he is. He is a cheat and a serial liar- those are the facts.

That’s actually a fair point pp makes, it would be wise for you to arrange therapy for yourself. It’ll give you an outlet to talk about things and may also help to rebuild the self esteem that his affairs have probably shattered.

I know I’m directing my anger at the wrong person - I know my husband played a huge part in this. But I guess it’s just easier to blame someone abstract and outside my marriage than the very person I have to face every day and work towards a future with, especially when he now seems truly broken by what he has done and wants to work on himself.

No she didn't your HUSBAND DID.
Stop blaming the woman for your husbands actions.
The marriage that you thought you had never existed because your husband is not and never was tge man you thought he was.
Honestly you need to turn all your anger and hurt away from his mistress and towards your husband who betrayed you and threw your marriage away. He did this to you not his most recent mistress nor any of his previous mistresses nor will it be the fault of his future mistresses its all him.
Tell me would you want your children to be treated like you have been, by their future spouse? I ask because that is what you are teaching them to accept just as your mother taught you.
Kick his lieing cheating arse out and tell everyone why, let him face tge consequences of his actions whilst you get the support you need and deserve and your children see that they dont have to put up with a cheating partner nor will they expect to get away with doing the same to their spouse

@ThatDeepOcean

Ignoring that I'm happily married, let's say for arguments sake, I'm single.

I take up a job at your husband's workplace. I say "John, I invite you to shag me in the stationery cupboard."

And by your logic, if he does, then the poor man had no choice? I, in fact, have destroyed your marriage. The poor simpleton that actually destroyed your marriage, in your eyes, didn't at all, he had no choice but to shag away. If only there was a word like "no" he could have used...

I've been propositioned twice since I've been married. Through what I can only imagine must be sorcery was able to decline both times and actually took a good look at myself, because maybe I was being over familiar with people for it to happen twice.

Your husband would still be with her if his work hadn't found out. He's not going to divorce you now when he's only got to sit it out for 2 more years before you have zero dependents. You're just going to get shafted by sitting around for a man that will leave you, probably for her, in 24mths.

Dont fall for the 'sad' act OP. Its all a lie. Don't believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth.

This sort of reminds me of what happened in my family in early 1981 - all of a sudden my father wants to move back to Australia from the UK. Myself, my younger brother and my mother were all born there...we'd lived there until I was nearly 10, and then my father started working abroad and my mother became a trailing spouse. We ended up in the UK after 4 years of this (utter fucking hell btw).

So my father had refused Oz citizenship during that decade of living there because apparently he hated the place and was desperate to leave...so his sudden change of heart 4 years later was fucking suspicious. Even 13 year old me thought it was weird...anyway, his Oz visa had expired in the years we'd been living out of the country, so he has to apply for a new one. Took far longer back then, pre internet, of course. So his plan was that me, my mother and my two brothers would go back first and he'd follow...his little plan was scuppered the day we due to fly when his passport arrived back that morning. Oh hurrah, my mother thought, he can come with us! My father was FUCKING LIVID. Weird reaction, right?

Turned out - he confessed all this to my mother the same day - that he hadn't given notice at his job, and had actually arranged a long-term rental for himself after we would have left ... he was going to let us arrive back in Oz and then tell my mother he wasn't coming, he was staying in the UK...

Even with the knowledge that her husband, my father, had tried to dump her and her 3 children on the other side of the fucking world MY MOTHER STILL STAYED WITH HIM.

I only found out about his plan a couple of years ago. My mother didn't like it when I said I wished it had succeeded, it would have spared all of us another 8 years of his shit.

I'm still staggered at how stupid my mother was to stay with him.

Hmm

He had an affair, told you it had finished and then it continued. He hurt you, but did it again.

I think you need therapy to work on your self esteem OP, your marriage is over and has been for a while.

He played the only part that could hurt you. She's completely interchangeable and could shag anyone; it's only when he decides it's him that it becomes your problem.

And the point here is that you don't have to face him every day and work towards a future with him. You have a choice.

Is having both of you his idea of working on himself?

Also just read about how you think she damaged him by tempting him back every time… OP please for the love of god open your eyes!!!

He's not broken or even sorry about what he did.
He's saying what he needs to to keep you onside and preventing you from moving on and getting help. The most telling thing you've said is that hes scared of what people will think about him and the respect he will lose from others, hes not scared of losing you as he knows that you wont leave you've proved that twice now

Why are you blaming OW , it takes 2 tge otger being your husband
She didn’t force him, she didn’t tie him down when having sex
HE wanted too see her, be with her, have sex with her, go for drinks with her, buy her presents

All that crap about not wanting to hurt the children , I don’t believe he said to OW he would never leave his family 🤦‍♀️
2 years is a long time , he told you he was in love with her

He may love you but he’s not in love with you he loves you as the mother if his children
Big Difference

Everybody's marriage is unique but every woman know’s exactly the same hurt ,anger trust when cheated on

OP wether you stay with this cheat(which sounds like you are) you need some counselling for yourself

And the obvious question... why did he stay with her? He'd set up a plot to strand you all 9000 miles away while he set up a new life; even after your mother decided this wasn't a deal breaker, why didn't he finish the relationship like he'd so carefully planned to do?

He’s probably just holding out until the youngest child is an adult. So, you can dance to his tune and get shafted when that happens, or you can take control and initiate a divorce now. Either way, you need to accept that you won’t be growing old with this guy. Sorry OP. That’s how it is.

@ThatDeepOcean - look, you cannot trust him. You cannot believe a word he says. He’s kept the affair going to keep himself and his dick happy. After all, you already knew about the affair so it’s not like the OW had huge leverage. He’s told you he loves her and feels an incredible connection with her.

However, you can still have your own reasons for not being ready to leave yet or perhaps ever. The key point is that you do NOT need to make any decision yet. You don’t need to decide to leave or stay yet. Just put that all on pause. Tell him you can’t decide anything yet - you need time to process and he’ll just have to live with the uncertainty in the meantime.

Kick him out of the bedroom if you can (tell your DCs that he snores or sth). Focus on yourself. All your posts are about him. Sod him. You need to rediscover yourself. Develop some interests. Do things that interest and please you. Without him. Concentrate on finding yourself again. The other decisions will be easier to make once you have rebuilt your sense of self.

Your thread title is
Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

Virtually every pp on the thread has voiced the same opinion: No it can't recover .Such unanimity is quite unusual for MN.

Have you actually taken in any of what has been said OP? Because it sounds as though although you asked the question you are determind not to listen to anything anybody has posted. You are determind to stay in the marriage with this lyiing, self serving man who has actually told you that he loves his mistress and has shown not an ounce of care, love or concern for you and your happiness and mental health.

Because like the OP's husband, my father was a fucking coward.

He was also an extremely high earner at the time, and I think the thought of having to cough up a lot of money put him off, too. When he did finally leave 8 years later, the court ruled that he still owed my mother 13K...he promptly disappeared off the face of the Earth, my mother even hired a private detective to try and find him. Was still quite easy to do that back then, to disappear abroad, in 1989. We didn't find out where he was until the late 90s. He deliberately declared himself as self-employed and making no money to further ensure he wouldn't have to pay the court order, and my mother was back in Oz before we knew his location. She never saw the money.

I’ve not read all the responses but this isn’t what love looks like! Saying you love someone and showing them are two different things. You deserve better. This isn’t your fault, he threw away your marriage and the promises he made meant nothing. I’m sorry but you’re putting yourself through torment you don’t deserve.

How does your DH plan to work on becoming less of a lying, cheating, adulterer?

Tell, tell, tell! Tell everyone. You don't have to shout it from the rooftop, but stop keeping secrets and stop protecting him. And run asap to the Chumplady website.

You have really been treated awfully by your husband, you must feel terrible.

You sound like your digging your heels in believing the OW is to blame, she has a much smaller percentage of blame than your husband does, multiple times over.
Your saying yourself, he doesn't want folk to know, cause he's worried about how family/friends will take it, whilst telling you he loves the OW, he's tearing you down with every lie, to a point your concerned about his mental health not being in a good place! I'm no doctor, but not lying/decieving to your family would immediately alleviate this problem, he didn't chose that option.

His work has moved him due to his conduct, folk do know, he's just not enjoying that, this is why he's telling you now, cause job is affected, he wouldn't have otherwise.
He's just protecting his assets, comfort -are you still doing his washing/making dinner? Not having to pack up and move somewhere less comfortable, his kids knowing etc, feels too difficult and confronting for him.
You, are keeping his ill kept secrets for him, holding it all in, blaming a woman , you know nothing about, but know your husband much more, it's him! He's to blame. Don't keep silent, tell people! Why is his emotional state more important than yours?
Ask yourself what's the difference between you two? What's stopped you sleeping with whoever you fancy? You simply chose not too, he chose to lie to you and sleep with her.
He is not a victim of her, statistically men can generally overpower women, she didn't force him into anything.
They are still in contact, by phone we all know how that's going to go, he's in love with her.
Your going to become very ill, holding all this in, he will not care for you, once your of no use.
You say your fine money wise, great, your way ahead of most women, it will be scary and difficult, but you have already been through worse emotionally and mentally. You will thrive without him,and he will soooooooooo want you back, but please dont.

Yes what are his plans?

Is he going to be fully transparent with his phone from now on? Eg, you can read his messages whenever you like.

Is he looking for a new job?

What evidence is there that he can show you that the relationship is over?

Like is there anything tangible whatsoever that HE wants to work on this marriage by changing HIMSELF. Considering he is the one who fucked up?

Did he even offer to move out for a while? Or at the very least is he sleeping on the sofa to respect your space even a little whilst you decide what to do?

anything other than cheap words that you are only getting now because his work caught him… ? Anything?

OP.... It seems like you've already decided to stay with this piece of vermin, and that's your right to do so. But have you forgotten that the affair only ended because their employer found out. Otherwise it would still have been going on. You do realise that don't you? He didn't choose to give her up. And they will continue with it, but just be more careful not to get caught. That's exactly what will happen. You must know that. If your best friend was in this position and came to you for advice, what would you tell her? Be honest?

Also…you say you are worried about gossip but, if he’s been found out at work then it’s already out there.