There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

Thank you for all your kind messages 😊 my daughter had a great first day and came out smiling from ear to ear. I took them to McDonald’s after school and have not long dropped them off with my ex’s mum.

I will look into the freedom programme, thank you for the recommendations. I have had a shower and plan on starting my Matthew Perry autobiography tonight then I have work tomorrow and loose plans for the weekend. I’m going to try and enjoy some down time over the next few days.

My children are fine. They say they know that his absence in their lives is due to his personality and nothing to do with them at all, and they say he’s the one who misses out. They say he chooses the way things are, but they feel a bit sorry for him as he has opted out of three families now and lives alone.

I honestly think any DC take on board your attitude. I have a friend who says her ex ruined her life when he left- the result? Her now adult DC say Dad ruined our lives when he left.

I said to mine to be honest he never really engaged or joined in that much and so we won’t notice any difference - the result? My nearly adult DC now say they didn’t really notice much difference by his absence.

Sorry I was replying to an earlier message OP. Great the DC had a good first day back!

Your DD won’t have felt sad that daddy wasn’t there because she won’t understand the ‘milestone’ aspect of it - it was an exciting day for her, but it’s now normal too to be with either mummy or daddy, I don’t think she will have even thought he should be part of this drop off. It won’t even be a day she specifically remembers in time most likely. You know who will remember and, if they care as they should, have sadness and regret for missing this? Yep. And thanks to the care you took to invite him to each part and remind him, he only has himself to blame for it.

@mummy917

This.

Have a good few days. Enjoy the book!

First of all, opting out of three families is just a ridiculous failure. These men need to stop making children (or taking on children).
But more importantly, this is an important message for @mummy917. The kids aren’t devastated by their dad’s deficiencies and absences because their mum hasn’t catastrophised them. He is who he is - and no amount of background emotional labour can alter a disengaged, selfish parenting approach.
A good example is the children’s party situation. It’s tempting to swoop in and take the little girl to the reception parties when it’s dad’s weekend. This might actually be a mistake because it’s plastering over the cracks. With this man, blurred boundaries are very dangerous. OP, she will get to go to parties and you will arrange other social occasions for her in your time. It’s best to just breezily say ‘oh daddy isn’t really a party person is he? We will invite little Emily to tea next Saturday and we can sing happy birthday to her then’.
She will only think that Dad not being there for her first day of school is a big deal if you make a big deal of it.

Oh, your question is civil…!

This is absolutely correct, @mummy917 . You cannot shoulder all his parental responsibilities as well as your own, all by yourself, and as long as you don't tell your children they ought to be upset about his behaviour (because you are upset on their behalf), they won't mind. Don't expect anything good of him, don't badmouth him to them and keep calm and carry on doing your thing, not his. It's his loss, not theirs, they have you and you are a better parent and person than he is.

I am totally on your side. He’s been an ass. But your dd will be fine about him missing the first day of school. Please don’t over sentimentalise these things in a way that makes you grieve and appear needy to him. He does not care as much as you. I’m missing my 4 years olds first day of reception tomorrow. Because I’m teaching. I’ll do her hair and enjoy talking to her tomorrow evening. It’s not childhood trauma for her and I’m not a bad parent for missing it.

As sad as it is, kids do get used to the disappointment of their dad letting them down and expect it to be honest. Don’t give him any headspace on this. Kids will always appreciate everything you do for them x

She will only think that Dad not being there for her first day of school is a big deal if you make a big deal of it.

This. I was trying to say exactly this, but the above expresses it far more succinctly.

Hi op you should not beat yourself up on asking him questions regarding his children. You don’t need his permission anymore your there mum you put them first he can’t say the same thing. Op he is just a nasty bully who enjoys kicking you when you’re down. Fuck him tell him what he needs to know then crack on with your own life. He made this mess and yet you keep blaming yourself for it. It sounds like you ran your house and kids because he wasn’t capable. Remember when your buying things when the divorce goes through you will see each others bank statements. Also if your getting a top up of UC and you ask for half of everything he might try and get half for his 50/50 remember he’s not the man you married and he cannot be trusted whatsoever.

You deserve a medal, I think you did outstandingly well inviting him to join in on DDs1st day at school. he ignored & Fucked up, blaming the traffic. (yawn)
I would simply stop now, don't tell him about sports day, nativity play, parents evening, or anything else. He can read, it's all there on the school web site. If the kids want him there, they can talk to him when they are with him, then it's up to him to get tickets, find out the time, or whatever. If he misses something important & tells you you should have told him. Your answer is, "That ship has sailed".
Why would you bolster him up in the DCs eyes? He is a shit father.
Fuck him & the horse he rode in on.

Re Xmas presents, get nothing for him, he won't repay you. Say nothing, do not tell him when he asks what you are getting, or he will buy it first. Just say, "Not sure".
Grey Rock.

Oh 100 % this.
OP, don’t manage him in terms of nativity plays and sports day and all that jazz.
I don’t say this because you should be spiteful. Being spiteful would be expending far too much energy! But this is his choice: 50/50. Wife mode is deactivated (as one PP put it) and that means that he doesn’t have a parenting personal assistant any more. Your energy is crucially needed for your own stamina in parenting four kids.
When he doesn’t turn up to nativity don’t make a big deal of it. ‘Nanny and grandpa and Auntie Mabel had the time of their lives watching you up there singing!’ They will never ask about daddy because there will be you and your people there for them.
His attendance and engagement is his own business to manage. Any attempts to involve him will be dismissed as controlling.

But this is his choice: 50/50. Wife mode is deactivated (as one PP put it) and that means that he doesn’t have a parenting personal assistant any more.

Too right @likeafishneedsabike he wanted this. He no longer has a wife, so all the perks that went with it have ceased.

"Wife mode is deactivated"
Well said 👏

Absolutely, the disadvantage of telling/reminding him these things is that he’ll just turn around and call you controlling for doing so anyway! As long as he has equal access to official school comms etc he’s just as capable as you are of knowing when things are happening and sorting it out.

I’m in education and often it will say on a kid’s profile ‘all comms must be sent to both mum and dad’. It’s probably worth OP just making sure that this is the case for her DC and then just stopping all school related communication between herself and feckless ex.

You say you tried to get him to be there purely for your daughter's sake, and think daughter would be wondering why he wasn't there.

This is what you tell yourself, but I think you are projecting your feelings onto her: it was for your sake, not hers, that you wanted him there. You missed him, she didn't. You were wondering where he was, she wasn't.

Here is the thing: 4 year olds don't notice, don't care, and certainly don't remember. From her point of view, she had so many other things to think about and notice: her uniform, her lunch, the other children, the teacher, the building, the playground, etc. etc. She absolutely did not miss him.
She knew you were there - that is all she needed.

I think you need some counselling to help you separate your feelings from your DC's feelings.

It is natural that the children will have moved on to the 'new normal' so much more quickly than you. They are adaptable, take things in their stride, and don't know any different. It is you that are struggling to get with the new normal (totally understandable, it has only been a few months).

OP doesn't need to check this. It's his responsibility.

Agree with this, had this suspicion as well. Children are surprisingly resilient, they'll cope but it might be worth considering whether this is really about them. Fwiw my mother projected a lot of her feelings on me after my sibling's suicide, I think it's part of grieving what could've been.

Well done you. For yesterday, and all the rest!

The Freedom Programme is a life changer, I hope you manage to have a look. Realising that appeasing these men is pointless is a lightbulb moment.

Agree with @StandingDeskDisco . You give him the information once or maybe not at all if he gets communications from the school.
This is now his responsibility not yours. While his parenting may be questionable that is on him.
He has to learn to parent his way not what you think is best.
The children will not notice in the main and if they ask something about what Daddy did or didn't do, encourage them to ask him not you asking him for them. It encourages their independence and helps them recognise they have two different homes now.

Absolutely agree with @StandingDeskDisco it’s not easy for you OP as you are clearly a fixer, people pleaser but some people can’t be fixed or pleased and the man you married is one of them he has to do both the fixing and pleasing for himself. He is not the man you though you married and that is hard but every woman on this forum see’s that more clearly than you as they are not emotionally involved like you are but please believe and take their advice until you can afford counselling as everyone on this forum has your back, unlike your Ex

I get where you’re coming from in a way @StandingDeskDiscobut I don’t miss him anymore or wish to spend any time with him; if anything I absolutely dread it.

The last thing I want is to pass any of my feelings onto any of my children so if I get the opportunity to do a few extra bank shifts in the next few weeks, then I will put that money aside to put towards counselling. I’m trying to make the best of the situation and navigate it the best way I can, but ultimately I’ve never been in this position before and really I’m winging it and taking each obstacle as it comes, because I don’t know what else I can do.

I have only just gotten home from work and will be sporting a nice black eye tomorrow. I’ve never been so happy to see my own bed!