There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

You are not cocking up. You are genuinely putting your children first and it is so distressing to watch from a distance on this thread. Goodness knows how difficult it is to live it. Please don't take my response as remonstrating because it absolutely is not. The thing is...It is not within your power to make him a good Dad. There is no action you can take to achieve this. The actions you try to take just leave you open to further abuse from him. I can't help feeling you - and your children actually - will all be better off if you accept this.

You wanted him to be there for your daughter's sake, yet I can't help but think that his not being there is because he knows it was important to you. You reminded, cajoled and tried to include him in your arrangements, no doubt he sees this as controlling. He knows failing to turn up at all would show him up as the disinterested father he actually is, so he makes the appearance of going, but the control of course remains with him, and, importantly, you do not get what you want.

I agree with PPs that you should take a step back from trying to cajole him into doing things for the sake of the children. His immaturity means he may be prepared to deliberately do the opposite just to spite you and prove that you don't control him, even if it also means letting down his children.

Should you even be telling him when DDs first day at school is? Does he need to tell you things like that? You can't shoulder the burden of faking his adequacy as a father forever.

No advice right now OP, I just want to acknowledge your sadness about what you thought your life would look like and what sort of father you hoped he would be. Your grief is palpable. You are a good, kind person and you are not wrong for feeling like you wanted to do everything you can. I think he's shown you that it's never really going to be enough though. Do you have a little treat to look forward to for yourself later? This has been an emotional and big day!

You're doing amazingly 💖

Whatever his reasons for not being there this morning; he can never get her first day of school back and it makes me so sad for her.

I know there’s nothing I can do or say to make him a better dad, but our daughter is only 4; she seems far too young to be faced with what the reality is actually starting to look like.

I am picking them up from school, taking them for a McDonald’s as a little treat and then will be dropping them at his mum’s as it’s now his 5 days with them 😢

I am at work tomorrow so that will keep me busy.

Sorry OP - what an absolute gobshite for missing her first day of school. You are amazing!

I think the thing is, you're not going to be able to protect them from them ultimately seeing who he is. Trying to get him to step up will just cause continual friction between you two, which seems to hurt you more than it hurts him. You have to just let him be who he is, and they'll gradually understand. There won't be some huge realisation from them, it'll just be life, and although that is sad, life moves on and everyone will be fine. I missed lots of firsts when I had to work, it hasn't impacted my children. If you're fine, they'll be fine.

This is all just part of the grieving process and it will pass.

OP your little girl has an amazing mummy who will always be there for her every time. You're not cocking up, he is.

Don’t for one moment think you’ve done anything wrong. You’re trying to be decent and put the kids first. He’s the one who’s letting them down.

Kids notice a lot more than we realise
We recently had an incident with my exh which has caused me to withhold his access to ds.
He’s only 6 so I didn’t want to tell him his dad is an alcoholic but it’s turned out he knew anyway . Just blurted out after the incident ‘my daddy drinks a lot of wine , maybe that’s why he did it, maybe he was drunk’ then the other day I asked him if he knew what was wrong with daddy and he said ‘is he an alcoholic?’ I asked where he’d heard that word and he said some boys at school. He’s clearly put 2+2 together .

The freedom programme is free.

Op thank god for you, you can sleep well knowing you do your very best by your children,

Him turning up late was on him, shame on him op,
Never forget how early he is on Fridays dropping them off,

This is him hurting you via the children and he will as long as he thinks he can,

Nothing surprises me anymore ' how men can use their children to emotionally attack there x's honestly its brutal,

@mummy917

I even offered for him to come to my house this morning and be involved in the getting her ready for her first day etc but he didn’t acknowledge the message last night. Thankfully I didn’t tell her any of it so she wasn’t expecting it

This is the right thing to do. NEVER tell the DC when he will be there (other than 'his time'), he's simply too unreliable. If they ask you say "I don't know" or "We'll see". BFF (I know I mention her often, but her exH is pretty similar to yours) said one of the worst pains she had was when her little boy had been told his dad would be coming and she had to watch him sitting on the stoop or looking out the window for a waste of space that couldn't be bothered to show up. She couldn't control what he promised their son but she wouldn't remind their son of them or mention it was his dad's weekend. And she usually had some plan or treat when he inevitably failed to keep his promise.

It will definitely take practice to take a step back from keeping him in the loop with things like this

I agree with your decision for two reasons. One, he needs to learn to be responsible for his own parenting. Two, letting go of what is his responsibility to keep up with will be another step for you in detaching from your prior 'role' in his life. You are no longer his social secretary.

As far as your DD (or other DC) wondering why he wasn't at a function or didn't do what he promised, if they don't ask you, then you don't ask them. Children are perceptive little creatures and they soon figure out who can be depended on and who can't. And with that comes a subconscious 'sheltering' where their minds don't allow the 'wondering' to really surface. And if they do ask you why, chances are subconsciously they already know the answer. So you answer 'I don't know' instead of making excuses.

Agree with @AcrossthePond55. I am so sorry DD's first school day was tainted by this mediocre excuse for a parent @mummy917. You have not cocked up things; he has.

I'm sure his mother will want to hear about her DGD's first day of school. I can't imagine she'd be happy to learn that he couldn't be arsed to get there in time for it. I wonder what she really makes of it. Mortified by him, I hope.

I hope her first day at school went well and she enjoyed herself. x

I think one of the hardest parts of navigating post divorce life is recognising what a great life can look like as a one parent set up, and shifting your lens and focus and expectations to realising that dream, and not a ‘pared back’ version of what you had before. Your kids will have a great life, because they have you.

I know you said you are prioritising your savings elsewhere, but just to suggest - trainee counsellors and larger counselling services often charge a sliding scale price. Your employee assistance services will almost definitely have access to counselling as well. You do need this help, if only for you to realise (and I say this as gently as I can) you are not his puppy to kick anymore. I absolutely second the suggestion of the Freedom programme, because this is, and probably always was an abusive , unbalanced dynamic.

well done on getting another one to the school start line. You have done an amazing job.

Op you can't do anything to make him a better dad. He will be the dad he's going to be. Distance yourself from that now. Stop trying to make things work. Your kids will remember happily that you were there and they won't even think about him.
If they do ever ask why isn't daddy here just smile and say oh I don't know but you can ask him when you see him. Then leave it at that. Keep smiling.

Don't be sad for her OP, she had you there for her first day. My DC are in their 30s now, with DC of their own, and my husband didn't come with us for either of their "first days". He was, and is, a brilliant hands on dad (and grandpa), but work meant he couldn't there, and tbh not many dads were. Different times I know, but please don't let this taint your memories of today. It's his loss, not that he cares.

Do not doubt or beat yourself up about how you manage this. I have heard myself begging my ex (out of earshot of the DC's) to come and pick up a DC / be at an event / go halves with a gift that I couldn't afford on my own but they would have had if we had been together, e.g. a bike, a laptop, whatever. It was always because I didn't want them to be disappointed / miss out / feel rejected.

It didn't work and it was even worse when I heard them asking themselves as they got older, and it still didn't work. Honestly my heart used to ache and I cried a ton of tears. We mothers do our best for our children and somehow we still feel the guilt / take the blame when things don't go to plan.

My ex did not want shared care and bought a big house with a big mortgage in the days where outgoings counted for reducing Child Maintenance. I got an access arrangement through a solicitor and he did not follow it.

Though a court can nail down 50/50 child maintenance is based on overnights, it is not really 50/50 so it does not matter if he picks them up at 9pm and brings them back at 7am, it still counts as an overnight, if avoiding paying maintenance is his goal.

Having said that do not let his inaction or disinterest spoil the milestone and key events that you and your children will share. Just be you and don't try to compensate for him. 🌻

Nobody is criticising you OP, you are doing amazing. We are however sharing our experiences with you. I’ve been coparenting for close to ten years.

my advice is drop the rope. It’s not your responsibility to keep him informed, and if he forgets… There we are Then. He can get the school emails etc and figure it out himself… my ex often asks where DD needs to be for football and at what time… I just tell him check the app or msg the parent group. It’s easier for him to ask me…

i learned that if could not shelter my DC from who ther Dad is. And my ex is a far better parent than Twatoo!

ps it’s been along time since the words and opinions of my ex have bothered me. So keep going, you will get there.

On counselling @mummy917 can you get any through your occ health? I worked in the NHS and had some sessions arranged by them.

I think you just have to assume that he will always let them down and fail to keep his word about showing up to things. Then you can be pleasantly surprised if he actually does manage to show up for something.

Respectfully though, I wouldn't make a big deal about first day of school because, as a teacher, it's a much bigger deal for parents than kids, and the kids won't even remember it. How many of us clearly remember being 4? I have absolutely no idea who took me to school on my first day, I don't have many clear memories before the age of about 6.

And I didn't take either of my DDs to their first day of school because I was at another school teaching other people's children.

When they get a bit older they'll certainly twig what an unreliable tosser he is.

Apparently my Mother didn't take me to school on my first day, as it was 60 years ago I have no collection.
I am told ( years later ) that it was a neighbour's eldest daughter that took me as she was already at the school.

Those were the days :) as we walked home for lunch every day too.

@mummy917
You said that your little DD "was thankfully too caught up in the excitement to really notice at that time though."

She didn't notice that he wasn't there because YOU were there, her lovely reliable mum who was pleased and excited for her and always puts her first.

Please take comfort from that.

You went to all that effort to remind him of First Day on your DC's behalf.. but he knew you wanted that so of course he ignored it. Again, he thinks he's won another point in the stupid game he's playing.
He's way way too shallow to comprehend what these things might mean to the DCs. He's the person who wants to dump the DC early, or constantly dump them on his Mum so he just sees school as another place that will look after his children so that he can have his freedom.

But none of that matters because she has YOU and her siblings and all of you will get so much more out of your lives than he will out of his selfish existance.
A pp further up said "Well done on getting her all the way from birth to her first day" and I second that. All Your DC will be OK x

This - you’ve done the right thing and hoped he would too. Never think you’re wrong for being a good person and hoping for the best in others.

I know I took DD to school on her first day because DH started work earlier than me. She looked so small, as children started then at the beginning of the term in which they would turn 4. No fuss, just handed her over at the school door (small rural school) and the only thing which sticks in her memory is that she met another new girl who shared her birthday. They are still friends over 50 years later.