There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

What happened?!

If I may make a suggestion based on experience, it would be to find a psychologist rather than a counsellor. Others may have had different experiences, but I found a psychologist more objective and arm’s length, analytical rather than emotional. I didn’t want my hand holding, I wanted to understand, and a psychologist did that for me in two sessions. Good on you for coming to the point of recognising this need so quickly. It took me forty years!

Hi op I don’t agree with standing desk you don’t crave to see him you are scared of him. Op your scared of his tantrums and the disrespect he shows you. You want your kids to feel loved by you both which is normal and I do think kids notice if you’re not at an event they might move on quickly but they do notice. All you can do is keep putting the kids first and not worry about twattoo he’s not your problem anymore he needs to learn how to parent properly and stop making this all about him and his wants. Your trying your best your only young to be navigating this mess I hope your eye isn’t too bad did you get hit again.

See, we’re so inured in the NHS that I just assumed yet another patient on nurse act of violence and read on! Sorry, @mummy917 , I hope you’re okay and thank you @WearyAuldWumman for asking on behalf of us all!

Yeah unfortunately got hit by a patient but par for the course in my job, and thankfully my glasses weren’t broken otherwise I’d have been buggered for the rest of my shift 🤣

There must be something I’m saying often that stands out to make so many women think I need counselling, so maybe I do. I feel as though I’d already made my peace with the fact I wouldn’t ever get the apology I deserve and that that was closure enough. I’m not even sure it would mean much to me now anyway.

Can you get counselling through your work, or union if you’re in one?

I’ve followed your threads from the start and think you’re doing brilliantly OP ❤️

It’s something I’ve also got in the back of my mind, but finding time to actually sit down with anyone to put this in motion while I’m at work, is easier said than done 🤣

Hi op sorry you got hit again it shouldn’t be par for the course. Counselling doesn’t suit everyone only you can decide if you want it or need it. It sounds like you have a good support network around you who you can talk to. If I use counselling it’s usually for stuff no one else can help me with or I don’t want to be judged or go on and on to friends. It’s your choice but been here since day 1 you are doing great considering you have such a selfish ex, your kids are really lucky to have such a wonderful mother and your much stronger than you realise. Just do what’s best for you there is no quick fix unfortunately.

Can you email Occ Health as they should be able to arrange this for you

I could yeah. Might do it next week when I am on nights as I should (hopefully) have a bit more time to do it then 😊

Sometimes you do counselling for your children. When we went through something traumatic as a family, I knew I was going to have to support my children through it, so one of my first actions was to get myself into counselling. I thought if I had that support, it might help me to support my children better.

I acknowledge that counselling isn't right for everyone though. I could do with a lot more but am avoiding.

That was what I feared.

I hope that the police were called?

I can’t speak for anyone else (even myself some days!) but what stands out to me as something which psychology could help you to do is to explore what causes you to instinctively communicate with him. It seems to me it’s one of those things which you do reactively and then immediately think Goddammit, I did it AGAIN! I genuinely don’t think you need counselling, but an unpicking of this particular bit could be helpful. For me, psychology helped when I could see the problem but was too close to it to see the truth of what it was caused by. A bit like repeatedly having allergic reactions but not being able to work out what’s causing them!

i was NHS and when I felt I’d benefit from some Occ Health responded immediately to my email and had some arranged within a few days 😊

I’m so sorry you went through something that caused so much trauma 😩 but I totally get where you’re coming from about needing the right support for you, so you could then be there for your children. I know you said you’re avoiding at the moment but hopefully you will be able to go back to it and continue to get the support you really need 💛

I’m not opposed to counselling, I just think so many people have things much worse going on in their lives than I do, and I have lots of amazing support around me already, whereas I know not everyone is as fortunate.

No, I still haven’t decided whether I’m going to log it with the police or not. I will have a shiner over the next few days but no harm done other than that.

Yes I do often find I am kicking myself for doing and thinking why on earth did you do it?!? I’m not back at work until next week now but emailing occ health has been written in my paper diary so I’ll not forget 😊

You'll get better at those responses and things over time. You don't get a dress rehearsal or script for these situations. Meanwhile, we just do the best we can in a new situation we are winging our way though. :-)

@mummy917 someone else’s pain suffering or trauma doesn’t negate your own. Just because others have experienced bad situations and have or haven’tsought help in no way should stop you from seeking support for yourself. This is such a common attitude from people who are the helpers of the world, stoic to a fault and wanting everyone else to be made better first.

Ultimately your suffering does nothing for anyone except cause more pain, you not seeking help won’t improve anyone else’s situation. Also you may feel like you’ve dealt with this situation but I imagine you are much like me and just get your head down and get on with things, no point wallowing, I learnt the hard way that the pain can’t stay hidden forever and eventually had a breakdown, I learnt it’s ok to ask for help but most importantly to be kind to yourself. It’s not indulgent, it’s not unnecessary and it most definitely is allowed.

hi @mummy917 I found counselling helpful to understand other people’s behaviour. So although I went to try and change my own reactions and actions, explanations of why people act in a certain way meant I wasn’t constantly puzzling in my own head and driving myself mad over them.

@mummy917 I am sorry to hear that you got hit by a patient. You really don't need that at any time but certainly not while you are coping with so much in your own life.

Spot on @StandingDeskDisco 👌

I agree with @NZDreaming the amount others are suffering is irrelevant. You accessing support won't stop others from getting help. If your work are offering, you have nothing to lose by trying it.

@mummy917

Sorry about the black eye! Ouch!

I’m a psychological therapist in the NHS. We do all sorts of work with people depending on their goals. Some of it is about making more sense of their behaviours, breaking unhelpful patterns of behaviour, compassion for self, acceptance of self.

You do have a great support around you, and that is great. Even so, people often feel it’s helpful to be able to talk to an outsider.

Just because others have also had bad stuff happen, that doesn’t make you any less worthy of the help. It’s not a competition. Thinking, others need it more, I don’t want to waste services on me with my lesser problems, is a classic line from those struggling with their self-esteem or asserting for self, from my experience.

There is different types of therapy for different things. Counselling is a type, but you may get on better with CBT as they will formulate (map out) what is going on, and give you strategies, skills and techniques, to try to get the change you are wanting.

Within the NHS, the reality is it’s some months waiting for the support, depending on what level is felt suitable, so it wouldn’t hurt to get the ball rolling to get on a waiting list at least. Other light touch support should be quicker, and that may be enough to start with for now. You can always say no later on if you want to, but you haven’t lost anything of that makes sense.

Actually, as you’re NHS staff, you should get priority, so it will be quicker, it will depend on the area and other variables.

You will be able to access support through a work scheme quicker though I’d have thought. You’re doing the right thing by exploring the work support, they can guide you.

Hopefully you’re enjoying your new book?

Also keep in mind some of what goes on here is safe venting and that may be what you have wanted initially. Lots of us have different approaches and have shared thoughts with you. But it's your life and your reality and completely up to you what you do and when. No judgement from most of us. Just applause. Even if sometimes we join you in the "whoops" reaction. And don't forget you are still unlearning habits - ingrained habits from 10+ years too - and when we are tired / stressed we fall into habits even when our awake and focussed brain knows we should be doing the new thing. Be kind to yourself.

(As for the work place shiner, do document it please. Not necessarily for action, but because it creates a history / narrative which may be useful for resources or even for the patient).