There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

You’re right. He’s not going to put up a tree, buy and fill stockings, buy advent calendars, or cook a turkey dinner with all of the trimmings. The man will be incapable of creating anything resembling ChristmasMagic™️. This is one more thing for him to delegate to his poor mum. LET HIM.

And I agree with what others have said—don’t bring up having the DCs around your rota on the day. Most people can reasonably negotiate, but he has proven time and time again that he cannot. This is just one more game for him to “get one over” on you. Don’t let him.

I think this is really wise advice. His weekend is his weekend and your weekend is your weekend. You will have YOUR amazing Christmas on YOUR weekend. He will have HIS Christmas on HIS weekend. You will give your gifts and he will give his (or not, of from his mum or whatever plays out). If you do want to communicate, just state factually that arrangements will remain the same without any alterations by for the festive season.

And I say this because this idiot of a man cannot negotiate or be reasonable. He has shown you who he is. He must be absolutely locked out of YOUR Christmas and be left to get on with whatever poor excuse for a festive event he can muster or guilt his mother into.
Seriously, OP. Do not engage.

I would suggest you do the early half shift on Xmas day and have the DCs back from his in the afternoon. It’ll mean you have them to look forward to after work with bonus that you don’t need to argue with the kids about not taking presents to Daddies. Let him have that problem.

I hope your daughter has a lovely first day at school OP, so exciting for her. Also i agree, definitely dont get pulled in to doing 'joint' presents. You do Christmas your way now and make fantastic new memories for your little family and let him sort himself out.

I think sharing the day is great, but can you guarantee leaving on time to do that, the other day your shift almost doubled, what if leaving at say 5pm turns into a patient in difficulty and you leave at midnight? I think either book it off or have your family Christmas a different day and they stay at dads for the duration. There are most likely other solutions, hope back to school went well.

I agree with PP - stick to your usual arrangements, even if it is Christmas.

Definitely don't share anything about your Christmas plans/arrangements/gifts with him. I'd put money on him not doing anything and trying to get you to do all the gift buying. I bet you usually did it all anyway! This is going to be a true test of him, isn't it?

And please tell us you're not going to let him come to yours on Christmas Day?

This is a good point

The OP said she’d request to work the 2nd half of the day which starts at 2pm. Therefore she wouldn’t have to worry about her shift running over as the kids would be with their Dad. She’d have Christmas Eve and I’m assuming till about 1pm on Christmas Day with the kids.

This is important.

@mummy917 It may be that he insists on sticking to the timetable and has them for the whole Christmas this year.
You will feel like it almost kills you. It will be so painful.

But, next year will be after the divorce, and you will have a court order in place specifying alternate Christmases, so next year will be all yours.
Definitely get a very detailed court order like the one above, specifying birthdays, mothers and fathers day, Easter, etc.

As others have said, sharing the day with a handover at lunchtime is fraught with risks: he may be late, you may be late back from work or late going to work, there may be an argument or tears at handover time.
Don't risk it.
Just stick to whole days, whichever days are decided.

I’d agree with this. You can have a lovely Xmas day whilst others are celebrating Xmas Eve - I’ve done this many times - with the bonus that clothes given by relatives which were not the right size could be quickly swapped that afternoon before they all go into the sales on boxing day

Op please follow ' jessrunsforsurvivors' on Instagram, you are her now, she's become an expert with what your going through now, courts, passports, she explains the processes from her own experiences with he x, you'll find her a breath of fresh air op

On the slightly positive side, he doesn’t seem to have spite as his primary motivation, just selfishness - as in, what’s the best minimum he can do to maintain 50/50 while offloading the kids asap to protect his free time, and how can he avoid spending money on them. He may feel differently when it comes to Christmas but, based on his behaviour to date, it’s as likely that he might grumble about having them dropped off that day at all! Might interfere with his child free plans. If he is planning time with the children I have no doubt he’ll be inviting himself to his mother’s!

My little girl was so excited for her first day of school this morning but I had a few tears as she still seems so little 🥹

He said he’d be there to see her at school this morning and I even offered for him to come to my house this morning and be involved in the getting her ready for her first day etc but he didn’t acknowledge the message last night. Thankfully I didn’t tell her any of it so she wasn’t expecting it. I told him a few days ago too that I planned on being at the school for 8:30 this morning as she started at 8:45 and he arrived at 8:50; said he’d been stuck in traffic and missed seeing her at all for her first day 😭 she was thankfully too caught up in the excitement to really notice at that time though.

Yeah as usual he didn’t actually prioritize her at all. The kids will be quietly noting all these things at some level and building pictures of their two parents

I have a suspicion there was no traffic…he could’t be bothered. OP I would resist getting in touch with him for stuff like this - your texting him last night would be 100% the right thing to do with someone fully engage with their kids but for him, he wants 50 50 as a power play and to avoid paying maintenance. You are continuing to prop him up to be a good dad which he reads as controlling half the time. He knew it was her first day he should have been contacting you rather than the other way around and he should have been there this morning. There We Are Then. The kids will work it out in time.

A man who wanted to be there for his little girl’s first day at school would have made sure there were no obstacles to stop him! He would’ve swam an ocean or climbed a mountain to be there. I moved stuff around in my diary so I could be at my dog’s first puppy class! This man is telling you everything you need to know about the kind of human being and father he is. He does not want to be part of his children’s lives. He just wants to fulfil the obligation of 50-50, palming them off on his mother in the process, so he doesn’t have to pay. He is just going through the motions. I feel nothing but utter contempt for this man and I don’t even know him!

Absolutely this, @mummy917! You'd told him about it well in advance, there was no need for you to contact him about it yesterday. I"m sorry if this sounds harsh, but please, for your own sake, just stop doing the wife-work, you're no longer his wife.

OP based on how unreasonable he is and how he takes any opportunity be nasty, in your position I would have sent a thumbs up in response to him saying he would be there and NOTHING ELSE. I would not have initiated contact about it in the first place either. If he forgets it is her first day at school, nothing I can do about it. There would be no invites for your place to get ready, no timings, nothing. If he asked about timings I would have told him to contact the school. Imagine if for some reason the information you had given had been incorrect - you would never hear the last of it.

I gave him the opportunity purely for our daughter’s sake; he has been there for every other first. I’m trying to do my best by the kids in a shitty situation, even if that does result in me cocking up from time to time.

@mummy917 You have never "cocked up", that is T.W.A.T.'s speciality.

You have been so helpful and considerate to him when he does not deserve that. Maybe stepping back will take practice? Your efforts are driven by putting your DC first.

I never understood the philosophy of notifying, encouraging, cajoling a fairly unengaged Dad for the children’s sake.

My view is that my ex is a disinterested selfish, self interested ‘ parent’ and it’s not in the children’s interests to try and project manage him into a veneer of something better. It’s preferable they see him truthfully. That has meant him missing significant milestones, so be it.

I assume that OP felt her daughter would be very upset for her dad not to be there. How have your children coped with your ex’s unreliability?

He’s never missed anything before so our daughter probably will be wondering why he wasn’t there this morning. It will definitely take practice to take a step back from keeping him in the loop with things like this, even though I know I shouldn’t be doing it, the thought of the kids potentially asking themselves why he didn’t show up for them makes me feel like crying.

But what they will remember most clearly is that YOU DID SHOW UP!