There We Are Then - part 4, but episode 278946, probably.

[mummy917]

For anyone who is still offering messages of hope, wisdom and general loveliness 🥰

😂

ETA That was for the the first part of your post.

I honestly don’t know why it seems to have hit me all over again. We had an argument yesterday and I (stupidly) told him how all of this had made me feel (again) and I feel like it’s taken me right back over. And now I’m just left wondering if everything he has said about me is true. I know he has and had faults too but this seems to have came out the blue and knocked me sideways.

mummy917 We don't know how things were in your relationship while you were together but we have clearly seen how you have behaved since you started posting here and we can clearly see how he has behaved. I doubt if either of you has suddenly started behaving very differently so as far as I can see, No, No, No it was not you who caused it all.

You know, the brain makes patterns, it repeats things that happen regularly. Like muscle memory when you tie your shoe laces, only your brain returning to familiar perceptions and understandings.

You’ve had decades of this, you not being enough, you being the problem. He’s just reset your thinking patterns again. You can switch back. Just reread some of the posts you’ve made.

He’s an utter twat and we’ll happily remind and point you to the evidence on a regular basis. Off the top of my head, mattress, wardrobe and tattoo.

It won’t be true, he doesn’t sound like a person to ever take responsibility for his actions and he’s shown this is spades since he chose to go…
I think you’ve spent so many years naturally trying to fix things, that your sense of his part in things is a little skewed.
He wants to make you think it was your fault, it absolves him of any guilt or judgement from others.
You are grieving for the nice bits, the glimmers of who he was before the twins arrival.
Only by making you feel shit about yourself now fits in with the narrative he has told himself and others, and if he says it enough he hopes you will believe it.
Im sure is ego is dented that you’ve been managing so well and haven’t begged him to come back repeatedly.
One day at a time, little steps and hopefully deep down you know that he was the one that just wasn’t cut out to be the amazing partner and father you and your children deserve.
Big hugs x

These things are never linear. Look up the Kübler-Ross 5 stages of grief cycle. It’s deliberately pictured as an up and down process. Any big change or loss (it doesn’t have to be a bereavement, the end of a significant relationship is equally impactful), requires us to make major adjustments in how we perceive ourselves, the world around us, the reality of our lives vs how we may have constructed it in our own minds and the truth about the people around us. That journey takes time.

Go easy on yourself @mummy917. So far, I think you’ve done an amazing job at prioritising the needs of your kids, protecting them from the worst of your ex and his nonsense and making practical choices that will benefit the futures of you and your DC. You’re absolutely allowed to feel sad, angry, confused, let down etc about a situation you didn’t create. Feel the feelings, have a good cry, then brush yourself off and crack on as you have been. The best gift you can give your kids is a Mummy who is happy and thriving, without an ex-shaped millstone manbaby around her neck.

Deep breaths.

NO, it's not all your fault!

Listen, everyone has 'faults' and that may be what's confusing you. You have faults (as do I) but the faults that a controlling abusive spouse (because that is what he is) accuses us of are rarely, if ever, true. In fact the faults they accuse us of are usually found in them! So no, you aren't controlling, he is. What you do have is determination not to be taken advantage of and never to be controlled again. And those aren't fault, they're blessings.

You know it’s not true. If it were, you probably wouldn’t be questioning everything.

I had an incident with someone at work a few years ago. They told me that I was a terrible person and that no one liked me.
And it stuck with me. But the bottom line, and it has taken a lot of therapy and counselling, is that it fed into a fear I already had. They knew it. Used it against me. And now they are probably not even thinking about it.

so here’s my take - he knows it bothers you. It means he doesn’t need to take any responsibility for his actions. If it were true it would appear in other aspects of your life.

keep your chin up. Do not let him question your worth.
know your worth. You are hard working. Generous. A good mum. And there will be so much more to it. That’s just little glimmers that are evident from your thread.

And to be honest, you telling him how you feel is not a bad thing. I know it’s made you feel worse but the reality that he needs to see is that you are a person. And there is no going back for you now, because he decided he wanted to end your marriage.
it takes real strength for someone to communicate how they feel

I men you were together a long time so there’s bound to be hiccups. Separating who he is from the person you loved and thought you knew is bound to be jarring. And presumably you thought that individual was a safe person so to hear him say these things about you is bound to be mind bendingly crappy.

But it wasn’t you. And he…wasn’t him.
Any you are enough…and better without the person that he really is hanging about cramping your style.

I could be wrong, but when you were together did you often see it as "your fault" when you argued, when he was unhappy, and therefore your responsibility to fix? That's not an easy habit or mindset to break, so the way you're feeling now may just be the vestiges of that, an unconscious reflex. Keep giving yourself compassion, it will pass xx

I’ve read all your responses and thank you so much!

Yes, whenever we argued, it was me who was unreasonable, or “just going on” was the favourite line. I think I’ve said previously that my feelings were always dismissed and I did used to often feel like arguments were my fault or what I asked of him would be made out to be me being controlling.

I feel slightly better this morning but more deflated than anything else.

It sounds like he uses "controlling" where most people would use "in control" or "on top of what's needed to run a family".

This might sound a bit off the wall, but when I went to live abroad, I was told that homesickness (for want of a better word - more like a sense of deep unfamiliarity with your surroundings) hit at 3 months, 6 months, a year and two years. I dont think its a coincidence you're at 6 months. You have been in unfamiliar territory, emotionally and practically speaking, and even if what was home to you for all that time was awful in some ways it was still bone deep familiar. We were told to do things like make our living quarters nice do we had somewhere to retreat to and feel good in. Which you have been doing instinctively. This cycle is, I believe, a natural and deeply instinctive human reaction to loss and change, even if there are massive gains too. Watch out for getting these feelings again in a year - understanding what might happen and what the reasons is really helpful.

it is a deliberate manipulation tactic to make you feel that way. I remember arguments where I would be really justified, ending up apologising or later on, thinking wtf just happened, like I’d been scammed.

even now if DH does the jobs I feel guilty. (Any job that would usually be mine but he might do because he’s had some time off work or something.) I feel something is going to happen if I haven’t done everything, so I try to preempt it by fawning. It’s fucked up, but it’s real. And he isn’t manipulative, I have been away from ex for over 13 years , but I also had similar from my mother so I think that plays a part too. Can you relate to any of that?

Yeah all of that resonates with me so much. I really thought I’d made my peace with him trying to pin it all on me because I know who I really am, but it has really set me back and I am questioning everything.

OP, it’s like the stock market curve. It’s natural to experience the market dips, and they’re always expected, but we ride them out and our portfolio improves over time.

You didn’t come this far to only get this far. (Courtesy of Ben Alldis from Peloton)

No one is perfect but if you just look back at how he’s behaved since leaving, it truly shows the measure of the man.

He’s the one who chose to leave.
He’s the one who has sought to make things practically difficult despite this.
He’s the one who priorities spending on tattoos over getting things his kids needs.
He’s the one who books things when it’s his time to have the kids.
He’s the one who gets his mum to look after the kids when they go to him.
He’s the one that stamps his foot when he doesn’t get what he wants.

You have had your kids interests front and centre of every step you’ve taken. He has had his own ego and selfishness driving his every move. I know you will doubt yourself but read your threads back whenever you feel low. A decent man does not behave the way he has.

You've done amazingly please dont go back to him. Hes sounds like a narcissist & a bully. They say we're controlling but all we try to do is organise & make sure everyone's ok & things run smoothly as mums do. You take care & look after yourself & your babies, & f* him! Sending hugs, you got this xxx

What you are feeling is normal. You were running on adrenaline for months. The healing process can be long with lots of bumps in the road. Hang on in there and know that lots of us older gals have trodden the same path. It does get better. I promise.

“Go easy on yourself ^. So far, I think you’ve done an amazing job at prioritising the needs of your kids, protecting them from the worst of your ex and his nonsense and making practical choices that will benefit the futures of you and your DC. You’re absolutely allowed to feel sad, angry, confused, let down etc about a situation you didn’t create. Feel the feelings, have a good cry, then brush yourself off and crack on as you have been. The best gift you can give your kids is a Mummy who is happy and thriving, without an ex-shaped millstone manbaby around her neck.”^

@gillefc82 has nailed it. This with bells on.

As others have said, OP, the grief journey is a rollercoaster and it’s natural for you to have resurgences of pain and sadness around this situation - you have 4 children with this man who appeared to be all in with you and out of the blue, when you’re still on mat leave with 2 babies, announces that he’s leaving and it’s your fault because you’re controlling.

It’s not controlling to ask a fellow parent to step up and take shared responsibility for the family they have created. In any case, I will say that the more you describe him, the more it seems to me that he was the controlling one. He controlled you by going out at short notice for hours at a time meaning you had no option but to be home; he controlled you by refusing to let you discuss these matters with you and by making it so hard for you to go out that you ended up not bothering to do it.

He’s clearly an immature, selfish, spineless prick who won’t face his own wrongdoing, so I’m not suggesting you debate this with him, but from what i see he was the controlling one not you.

And to borrow a line from The Devil Wears Prada 2, you, @mummy917, are a Mumsnet icon!

Just going on. He had you well trained not to raise any complaints about his bad behaviour didn't he? It's going to take some time for you to mentally unravel that, especially in the face of his obvious resentment that you've declined to keep facilitating him whilst allowing him to avoid paying maintenance.

Bestfootforwards last bullet point

He’s the one that stamps his foot when he doesn’t get what he wants

Sums it up nicely. When ever he doesn't get what he wants or whenever he is challenged in any way he labels it 'controlling' or 'just going on'

In fact, as other have said, it is he who is controlling and these words are the tools he uses to control.

Absolutely this. Being organised is very different to being controlling,but it’s a cheap shot frequently used by men who are asked to behave decently

I think perhaps it’s a tough time of year as well. Suddenly it’s getting darker the issue of Christmas will be about which can often bring up ‘remember when’ feelings.
I think you are grieving a man who doesn’t really exist, the man you thought you were building a life with, whereas he was living his life doing pretty much what he wanted whilst having a go at you whenever he felt like it.
Think about how he treats other women, just like you.
He is clearly a liar when it comes to his own mother, and applying pressure to her.
As for your own mum, when she did make her feelings known he then approached her to mind the children.
Not once in all of this had he ever put you first. He has not considered the toll on being the primary carer, your often stressful job, and the financial cost to you of all of this.
Most decent men, even after a break up, would keep the kids and look after them if their mum had been injured at work. He did not offer you that grace.
One thing is clear, though. Having any conversation with him about anything now upsets you.
You are a brilliant mum and have been a fantastic partner. You are resourceful, caring and committed in all areas of your life. It’s why we all return to your thread as we are all cheering you on.
I thought of you watching ‘Rachel Starting Over’ on insta the other day. Her son, who is about 8, plays football on a Saturday. It’s been a real source of connection for the boy, and his dad is pretending to do the 50:50. And he’s said he will no longer take his son as…. it’s ruining his weekends!
That the son will have to go every other week. Lots of other parents have stepped in including other dads to offer to transport this son there and back and this man feels zero sense of shame.
And she mentioned that she feels awful when she’s around this man, it reminds of her shouting back at him or constant mind games.
If he were any kind of decent man, even if he wanted to leave, he could have done so without being so selfish and hurtful but it’s not who he is.
Remember you are the mainstay and anchor in the lives of your little ones. That’s all that matters.