August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

@MustIgo I thought you might find this article useful https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/eight-types-narcissists

It describes a variety of narcissistic traits as existing on a spectrum, and identifies a number of different presentations. It made some sense of the behaviour of some of my family members.

I think upbringing definitely influences the personality that you develop. I can remember as a young adult truly believing that my family simply were better than others (despite the mistreatment I'd already suffered) and echoing my family's opinions and belief that anyone who disagreed was objectively wrong, as well as their (private) judgement of pretty much anyone. I knew that these views were not to be voiced publicly but just sort of assumed everyone did the same. When I left home I encountered lots of different people, opinions, ways of life etc and started to open my eyes. I think my brothers doubled down on the idea of their own superiority and judgement of others in adulthood (probably to shield themselves from an unconscious insecurity). Both surrounded themselves only with people who agreed with them and would treat them as superior. I can see that there have been times where they have misjudged and when someone has disagreed, or stopped treating them as special, the relationship has ended and they have been very nasty about that person.

Would explain why they poo poo being out in the world. They must know that they only exist in a bubble so they need to keep the bubble tight. My H does speak highly of his family also. The mum will constantly cement it when we meet. Instead of talking about us she we bring up things like “remember when I took you here and we had the most amazing time”… she does this every single time. She is supposed to let her H speak about the times he’s making with his kids but it’s always about her times with her kids. It’s the unit that they feed off of then, the way the unit is perceived against other family units? Nobody cares though do they really because everyone loves their own family’s, nobody else is going to really care that much about them. Most people are busy loving their family and spending time with them to compare themselves.

@MustIgo I think you can tie yourself in knots trying to understand the logic of why they behave as they do, and why it just doesn't make sense to you. If they are like my family, I don't think there necessarily is a full logical explanation that will unlock for us why and how they behave like this. We can spot patterns that help us understand what motivates them but I don't think their way of thinking, or the way they react to situations will ever really make sense to anyone who is not like them. In the same way, I don't think they will ever understand why we don't want to be part of their circle or judge/compete as they do.

That makes sense. We are equally alien to each other.

I would like to be my SIL’s friend and our kids be friends. In a way I want to help her. My pattern recognition may be completely off but it feels so familiar. H is a narc, she is a people pleaser and the benefits massage her insecurities with her family. But you can see the cracks forming. I know how this feels. You feel warmth from the narc when you centre them….but all your own personal issues and wounds get pushed down….until they re-surface. Because that’s the thing really isn’t it. The abuse may not be what we know as abuse….what it is, is the complete lack of work on ourselves as we focus on them, until we become sick. Then when you sick it’s nothing to do with them…in a sick way we do this to ourselves (we don’t but we are the ones who get sick). I remember the last words of my my ex husband was “well I was like this when you met me and now I’m the problem” “you are the one who’s sick so tell me whose the problem”. It almost broke me. I want to stop this happening to this person but I can’t.

My ex said I never touched you, I never physically put my hands on you so I am not abusing you like you claim. I think it has taken me 8 years to see how I was abused. Perhaps I was given this relationship with my in-laws to help me understand what I went through for 11 years. It’s not that he hurt me, it’s that he never acknowledged me and I never acknowledged myself. I now expect and need to be acknowledged because we need these things to get through life. I just had a thought that in the 6 years I’ve been with my H he has not given me a single trauma to integrate…he hasn’t abandoned me even when I can see he hasn’t a clue.

I watched a brilliant video that talked about emotionally neglectful parents. There are those like my mum who was sick so she wasn’t wilfully neglectful and there are those that wilfully intentionally neglectful. They are parents and partners who have no intention of having someone depend on them emotionally because they can’t do its . (This is the one like all the parents on here and my MIL). They train their kids to be emotionally independent and have no dependency on them. My BIL the golden child has adopted this also. The MIL wants her kids to be happy independently because she does not want her kids to be emotionally dependent on her, because she doesn’t want to. He is the same with his partner, all he brings to the table is money, SIL has been trained from her dad to not seek emotional support. Those they call scapegoat are often the children who struggle with the lack of emotional support. They struggle with the symptoms and then get labeled. No one looks at the neglectful parent because the golden child is coping with the neglect. The golden child ability to “cope” is masking the deficiency. The fact my whole partners family are emotionally avoidant is masking the MIL neglect. I raise it because I am not avoidant and so it’s easy to spot but that makes me outnumbered.

Good job my partner is actually pretty decent. I can see he was probably much more
emotional then his brother, probably why he hoards as a way to be attached to something.

I am struggling at the moment I had a feeling I wouldn’t be told when dm died and nobody has told me the funeral was booked Tuesday i presume dsis will have started to let people know and still nobody has sent a card or anything I thought maybe a cousin might of. I am really hurt and humiliated. It’s like mine and my dc previous relationship which was close with dm didn’t matter or exist. It’s like everyone is in on the secret. I know dsis is doing it so she can keep up her lies and how she did everything for dm in her later years which she did as she excluded me.

I haven’t told anyone except work as I am paranoid if dsis finds out she will mess around with the funeral arrangements and I am anxious about the funeral anyway which isn’t for awhile

I took a few days compassionate leave then my manager who knew what was going on already suggested a sick note so i requested a week but they gave me a month saying i could go back earlier now my manager is saying she’s not sure I can. So not sure what to do I feel a bit of a fraud but I had been ok until today don’t think it had sunk in and it’s more the whole family situation that is causing me to be upset and that dsis will just get away with it all now opg closed their case

I feel angry Dh should of been going for a drink with his brother last week and one of them invited their cousin dsis best friend so dh didn’t go as he said it would be awkward so dsis has caused problems on his side of the family as well

@Spendysis you are not a fraud. You need time to grieve. And I’m very sorry for your loss and the fact no one is acknowledging it. So very hurtful.

I am going through a right terrible patch myself at the moment. Two dreadful phone calls with one of my parents this week that have left me struggling with crippling anxiety in bed, stuff is said and then my ptsd kicks in and triggers everything.

I keep telling myself you will be ok, you know how this works. Emotionally everything you need your parents don’t possess so you will get through it but the nightmares and other symptoms are so bad. I’ve been crying most of the day, hoping it might help as at least I’m getting it out of my system.

It should have been a good time my DCs birthday this week. But of course special occasions are always hijacked and ruined by others.

@Spendysis I am so sorry this is what you’re going through. You’re absolutely not a fraud. Your doctor has signed you off with good reason. Even in normal circumstances grief is hard, but this is all so much more complicated and difficult than a straightforward bereavement.

I hope you manage to attend the funeral, but if you don’t it doesn’t mean anything about your relationship with your mum - it only shows your sister’s malice. My GMiL was cut out of her DH’s funeral by his adult children. They actually told her he was dead and buried before he was - he had been losing capacity and one day they took him into a care home. GMiL didn’t have any contact with him after that so it was easy for them to keep the truth from her. It didn’t change her feelings or relationship. She had been his wife.

I do hope you manage to attend though as that is what you want, and at least you have your DC and your DH with you too. I’m just so sorry you’re going through this 💐

@OneNewEagle i am sorry you are going through a tough time at the moment. I haven’t cried yet and I cry at everything the first few days I was ringing the funeral directors as he was waiting for dsis to register the death and I was googling contentious probate cases i have contacted a solicitor but can’t do anything until the will is available and i probably won’t as it probably better to let it go. Since the funeral has been booked I’ve just spent my days watching daytime tv on the sofa thinking and feeling sorry for myself and going over in my head what to say if anyone says anything at the funeral

It’s so hard when it’s your family the ones who should love care and protect you the most are the ones that are ones causing you stress and hurt. Be kind to yourself and I hope you feel better soon

@OneNewEagle that sounds horrible too. Crying it out definitely will help. I read that emotional tears contain hormones that your regular tears don’t, so you do literally cry these feelings out.

I spent years blocking all feelings (it’s what happens when you are with a violent person as if you show a feeling or fear the violence escalates). It was so I would survive to look after my DC. There were a couple of times I showed fear and it was so very much worse then that instead my brain learnt that it would just pretend it’s not happening and I’d go somewhere else inside of me.

So then I had a massive breakdown and finally therapy where I’m told I need to feel my feelings know what they are. Get them out.

@Spendysis Im sorry you feel like a fraud but your feelings are so valid. I would give yourself some time to process it because there is an enormously complicated set of feelings your poor brain is try work through. I would have thought that your sister has had many years to perfect the situation and the roles and the cast and she is simply just acting centre stage at the moment. People are stupid, they are easily swayed and for some reason beyond my comprehension information is actually powerful. She can write you out of whatever reality she wants but it does not actually change reality to you. I would not get involved because you will never win and it’s already been mapped out, it’s already making you feel bad realising what she is doing. Have your own little goodbye, write down what you need to, let it out and then let it go, you have nothing to prove. I fear getting involved means stepping into a reality that is set up by somebody else, you will always be cast in her story. Let them all believe what they want, let them have the narrative.

Yes showing tears to a narc is like blood to a shark so you soon learn it makes everything worse. You also hurt yourself because nothing ever comes to sooth you so you feel worthless. Everything I mentioned was turned around to how he was hurt so you then soothing them. I am still very bad at asking for help, I minimise my feelings as a coping mechanism. I too had a nervous breakdown, I was scared of my own shadow, couldn’t cope out in the world or within my own head. I had a break from reality during Covid, it was very scary, sat in my garden not too sure where I was. I had to keep repeating to myself, you are at home, you are at work, you know this place.

I feel like a fraud taking the piss being signed off for so long I did only ask for a week because it’s not a sudden unexpected death or my dc or dh. Dm was elderly in poor health been on borrowed time for many years and i haven’t seen her but as you all know as does my manager it’s been a complex situation. I lost my family and family friends who I have no idea what they have been told and I’ve done nothing wrong

dh brother has made a legion WhatsApp group him dh dbil and their cousin dsis best friend i feel like messaging her i know my dm has died and the funeral arrangements how are you ok not telling anyone especially since I told her what was going on and she already knew to a certain extent dsis was crap with money i know she has been turning a blind eye as all her friendship group is dsis and she knows dsis has form for cutting people off

@OneNewEaglehow are you feeling how has your day been? I’ve had another day on the sofa watching tv that’s all I can seem to manage at the moment despite desperately needing to do some housework dishes are done as is the washing but nothing else at the moment I just don’t have the motivation

@Spendysis people want to protect what they have (however fake it is)….the cousin is simply protecting the status quo. Probably isn’t personal, it’s not her battle as she has a different relationship with your dsis..one that she’s happy with (currently). People don’t care for the truth, I’ve realised this isn’t important and if you start messaging her you will be the problem. You can’t make this better.

@Spendysis I think it’s important to find a way of expressing your anger. When I said before that the investigation might come to nothing and that you might want to prepare for that possibility, I wasn’t saying that you shouldn’t still contact the police, but just to temper your expectations a bit and try to see that justice might happen elsewhere than legal channels and out of your sight. And now with this situation with your extended family and sister - it might not help to talk to these people BUT if you have things you want to say and that will help exercise this anger, I don’t think you need to just keep it all in and end up depressed.

Think of what you want to say - you can write it in a text if that helps you think it all through and stay calm. You don’t need to worry about what these people think of you because they’re already treating you like a problem so you won’t have lost anything if they don’t listen. But will you feel better if you have said it? Would you feel better if you ignore them all with your head held high?

I can’t see how a perfectly worded text will erase years and years of behaviour, that reality is already very fixed. There has to be ways of accepting that these 2 realities exist parallel, without going into it because I think you could spend a whole lifetime trying to resolve it…?? (Asking for a friend because an answer would be welcome).

google says….Disentanglement: You cannot bridge the gap with better logic or more proof. Regaining your grounding requires dropping the need for them to validate reality and anchoring yourself strictly in objective facts.

@MustIgo I wasn’t suggesting that she send a text to try and build a bridge, but to say her piece if that’s what she wants, in order to not stifle her anger and have it turn into depression at the thought of “there’s no point, I’ll just do nothing” etc. As I said, if it would make her feel better to just ignore them and hold her head high then that’s maybe a better idea, but if she were to feel like she might benefit by saying certain things to get them off her chest then I don’t think it would hurt the situation, given that they are already acting like she has done something wrong when she hasn’t.

I wonder if there is brain training involved, if there are ways to shift the focus of the brain constantly wanting to tidy all this up? Because we kind of have to accept that we have no control over that reality. Maybe more focus on our own reality. Maybe volunteering with others, something to help cement you. The anger is there, I mean who wouldn’t be angry in this situation but would writing about it not keep your brain still in an unfixable situation. What about doing some nature work, somewhere where this world doesn’t exist? I don’t know, it’s hard. I wanted to fix the narrative so badly with my ex and my daughter, but I can’t. It is up to my daughter to have the narrative she does but I don’t want to give him a head start by being so focused on him I forget mine and daughters relationship. I don’t know if that’s such a thing, feeling the anger but moving away from the source, maybe gym, kick boxing.

@MustIgo yes the gym or boxing might also help. I think expressing feelings is necessary to move on from them. Telling your feelings to shut up isn’t going to make them go away, it’s just going to turn them inwards. All this has only just started to come to an end for spendy, after a long ongoing struggle. I wasn’t suggesting anything about trying to tidy it up in her mind or control the narrative - just asking her whether she thinks it would help to express some of these feelings before she attempts to put it all to bed. Processing before moving on isn’t fixating I don’t think, it’s only early days for her.

Maybe therapy then, cementing your reality, adding more weight to it so it can settle the brains balance. I just feel the more we look to the other side we end up taking weight back off ourside. It’s only my experience so it’s fine to just ignore. I had spent many years hoping my ex would slip up and give me some
evidence it was him not me. I was looking the wrong way. Sorry not saying your ideas are wrong or anything. I just know many of us have spent years trying to find resolution from the other side. Just wondering what other ideas there are. But if it’s just a path we have to walk then I guess it’s just a process. It just sucks that @Spendysis has to spend anymore time hurting because of these people.

@MustIgoi do have a therapist we were about to start EDMR I need to update them on the situation before my next session which I am putting of doing for some reason.

I had let this go but opg brought it back up again by suspending dsis as poa and applying to cop so it got my hopes up of the truth coming out I just have so many different emotions going on in my head at the moment but will get to the point again where proving my side of the story and that dsis was financially abusing dm doesn’t matter to me. I know what was going on dsis knows what she was doing and she has to live with that

That’s the issue tho, she probably won’t live with that as they have no shame. I bet it did feel good though thinking she was going to get caught. When I heard that my ex pushed over his gf I felt some kind of relief, some validation…but it was at the expense of that lady and my daughter witnessing. There just isn’t really any positive outcomes I don’t think, there is just more life to live. I hope you are getting some mental breaks.