August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

@Spendysis I'm sorry that this hasn't brought you the peace you deserve, but understand why you hope the opg will continue their investigation. Re the funeral date, when you do get the date I'd ask the funeral director to keep you informed of any changes to the date/time if they would be willing to do that. After an initial booking for my DFs funeral, the delightful GB2 was in the process of trying to push things back to a week when he knew I was due to be on holiday with my family (with some spurious excuse). The funeral director was on the ball and remembered I'd said that so called to check with me before re-arranging. I'm sure he was only doing this to make things hard for me- if things had continued I'd have had to choose between cancelling the holiday or being the bad daughter who went away enjoying herself and missed her Dad's funeral. I suspect the funeral directors had a hunch that he was a bit of an arse, they must see more of this sort of thing than people think.

I am on this thread already and thank you for your lovely comments. Since making the decision that I am going to go completely NC with dm (I suspect she'll be extremely angry aka "hurt" I didn't send her a birthday card), I have felt a lot of anxiety, and so has dh.

We are worried about dm's reaction coupled with golden child (golden child is already estranged and and an extention of dm, so critiques/pathologises me from afar.

Dh has expressed concerns that they could get very nasty eg. turn up at our home, or messages/phonecalls. Dh said he thinks they are so manipulative (dm has form for major lies in the past,) that she could make out I am some sort of unstable dm and call authorities. It is so sad to say this, I hope he is wrong, but due to our dcs being involved and her ego, I really am now unsure what she is capable of.
I have dm, and I's message whatsapp chain as evidence. Having dcs that are 9 and 5 complicates the situation. Has anybody navigated this?

Let them do what they need to do, there will be no actual evidence of anything they say. Plus this maybe something that never happens and it’s just your fear talking. Often they simply don’t care, don’t do anything and you realise just how little they actually cared and all that kept you from walking away was your own fear.

Thank you for your kind words. I said to dh, the fact we are even contemplating that she could be capable of that is further proof nc is the right thing. Dm gets over things quickly, for example she has form for making a lot of drama, and thrives on attention and self pity, then boom she is miraculously fine again. Facing it further will mean inviting outsiders to look at her (cluster B personality), so I suspect she'll focus on painting me as this unstable evil villain eg "how could she do this to her own mother? etc"
If she was truly bothered about my dcs, than why would she character assinate me in person, and in text. I suppose it is all just going around my head right now. I've been cleaning, and putting some autumn touches around for when dcs get home for distraction.

You don’t have any control over what she may or may not do, you can’t brace yourself for possibilities that may or may not happen. You can’t make others understand or take sides. I would close ranks and focus on what you can control. Nothing will ever get any better that side because the other side will always continue. It’s advice that I find hard to take. All you can do is be happy in what you have and try and push it out of your thoughts.

Be the best, most present mum and partner and friend you can be. For that’s who you really are!

@OneBigDisappointment As you say, the fact that you are even considering whether there will be this sort of 'retaliation' from your Mum and sibling shows that cutting contact is absolutely the best decision for you and your DC.

As pp have said, the best thing you can really do is continue being a good parent and you and your DH being united in your approach to your family. But you can also privately decide what your response will be if any of your family turn up on your doorstep. I had a similar fear when I went NC with GB1 and was clear that I would not open the door but would tell him to go and then call the police if he wouldn't. If they speak to SS they may come to see you to check on the DC, in which case you can explain that you have cut contact with your mum and sister to protect your DC from their nastiness. I'm sure they will see that you are a good parent so I wouldn't be overly worried about this.

If your DM/sister are concerned about image, as my FOO always were, I think it's unlikely that that they would want to tell anyone 'official' about the estrangement. They'll know it's likely that you'll also be asked for your side of the story, which of course they don't want anyone to hear. I think it's highly likely though that they will tell members of the extended family/family friends etc what a terrible person you are. Mine did. Always with the proviso that all they wanted was to be a lovely family again and they wanted to help me through whatever it was I was going through that was making me behave so unreasonably. Some of these people became what people on this thread call 'flying monkeys'- people who don't understand the situation but are manipulated in to interfering and trying to make you 'see sense'. Over the years I have come to terms with the fact that some will truly believe I am at fault and others will go along with it for their own reasons (enjoying the drama or just not wanting to challenge DM and be on the receiving end of the unpleasantness). Either way they are not really interested in me and my DC so if I need to block them as well so be it.

You would think that people would see that you aren’t actually crazy or whatever it is that they accuse you of. You can surely say what you like about a person but that person is going to live a life that doesn’t actually fit that narrative. You would think people could see that? I know that they like to bait people into reacting so they can go “see they mad,crazy,sensitive”… people often don’t see the baiting and only the reaction. I know that abusive people like to do this. My ex pushed and pushed me to almost nervous breakdown and then he used to use this as confirmation something was wrong with me. Since leaving obviously Im no longer baited and no longer reactive. I do not know why a parent would do this, it’s very cruel to a child.

So the opg just close their case upon death as well despite them having evidence from before dm died they don’t pass it on to ss or the police just close the case and advised me to contact a local solicitor but have my own version of events but don’t know what evidence they had to suspend dsis as poa or to apply to the court of protection. Maybe if they got their act together this would have been done before she died. 4 times I told them dsis was moving and then had moved to dm house and gave them dm address each time. They sent to forms to the wrong address waited 2 months before asking me for dsis address? Not to mention when i initially raised concerns it took a year for it to be assigned to an investigator

I am tempted to go to the police after the funeral they were briefly involved but closed the case waiting on what the opg found and never heard anything back.

@Spendysis that sounds incredibly frustrating. I think a lot of the time in life there are these outcomes that just have no actual justice. We have an ideal inside us that says people should get what they deserve and so when we make stories for books or films, that’s what happens. But in real life, good people get dealt a shit hand and there might be nothing they can do about it, and bad people get away with their bad behaviour. At least that’s how it seems a lot of the time. I comfort myself by saying: at least I don’t actually have to be them.

Like with MiL. A landowning lady of leisure, never worked a day in her life because she was financially savvy with the little she started out with. Exploiting her children for financial gain and every man she’s ever had a relationship with - and she’s made sure they’ve got progressively wealthier until now she’s got it made. She’ll never be punished for what she’s done. And here’s my DH and me and we’re struggling, financially not as well off, struggling with the emotional and mental toll of her actions. But at least I don’t have to be her. If I could have what she has, but the cost would be that I’d have to be her instead of me, then I’d choose for her to keep it all.

I’m not saying you should give up without trying and I wouldn’t give up without going to the police first, but I would try to prepare yourself for the possibility that none of these organisations are going to hold her to account. And if that is the case decide how much energy or money you’re willing to put into fighting her. In a way, having to be who she is is its own punishment.

I hope you find this helpful and not just depressing, because it genuinely is the thing that stops me from feeling bitter towards her and keeps my mental health from deteriorating. There are many instances in my life where people have “gotten away” with truly terrible crimes, and this is the only way I feel better about it.

I do think sometimes life teaches us a lesson in letting it go. My ex took everything i had, cleaned my house of my furniture, took all my jewellery. I had to take him to court for almost 3 years where he stayed in my house rent free.

I read about the world becoming more narcissistic because unfortunately they tend to be more wealthy in money and obtain more power because they don’t get hung up on empathy or emotions and people want to copy this…but at what cost….because we know the cost. I would rather be me, keep my connection to my body and to the earth and everything that lives on it.

spendysis I'm sorry for your loss. You can try the police but I suspect you'll get nowhere because they were essentially saying they wanted more evidence of wrongdoing to even bother looking into it, because the victim was saying everything is fine. Now the victim has passed away, they'll maybe think it's not in the public interest to prosecute. Especially when DMs will named sis as sole heir. It doesn't make what she did right but the end result has been the same, since DM passed away before the money was all gone so hasn't actually been deprived of anything herself. My guess is it's now a case of you contesting the will if you want to, which is why they're saying to get your own solicitor. You wouldn't be needing a solicitor if the CPS was going to prosecute sis for fraud, because it wouldn't have anything at all to do with you.

Of course you can join caterpillar I wouldn't give your DC to your parents to look after, they're no longer appropriate people given their grudge against you. You have nothing to apologise for. Your DC don't need a relationship with people who dislike you so much and treat you badly, that's not in DC best interests. You don't want your DC growing up learning to go along with things to keep the peace like you have up until now. It's not healthy for them. You also don't want DC being turned against you, which is a very real risk and also damaging for their mental health. You are their parent, protect them from harm.

@Spendysis That's disappointing but unfortunately doesn't surprise me. Sadly I suspect that if the police said previously that they were waiting for the outcome of opg investigation, and that has been dropped, they're not likely to do anything. But in your shoes I think I would want to contact them to find out. Do you know if everything is left to your sister in your Mum's will? If it is, I think it's even less likely that they will do anything.

I agree with @Eeriefairy that as unfair and wrong as all this is, you have to remind yourself that you are better off not being like your sister. I feel a huge sense of unfairness about how I can see things going with GB2. It's not jealousy- I would never want to live like he does and wouldn't want to take things as he has. But I do feel a sense that the more awful his behaviour the more he has always been rewarded and he has always landed on his feet. He has always been sheltered from any external consequences of his actions, and had our parents running around after him right up until the last couple of years. Until only a few years ago this included him living with them and them doing (and paying for) absolutely everything including clothes, holidays, meals out etc. I know for a fact that our parents often couldn't afford this and ended up in debt. When he moved in with his GF our parents still did lots for him and kept up paying some of his bills then providing almost full time free childcare when he had a child. They had said they were too old but of course they did it anyway because he applied the emotional blackmail (why did they want their grandchild to be cared for by strangers? Don't they care? It's not the baby's fault they are older etc). He was always horribly sneery about my life and my home (he wouldn't live in such a small house, wouldn't lower himself to do DH's job etc). Meanwhile my parents were always too busy dealing with all the issues with GB1 and GB2 to ever offer any significant help to me- DH and I worked for everything we had, paid for all out childcare and struggled at times to juggle work/childcare. At the same time as this we were often expected to step in to help GB1/GB2 and my parents. I can see that now there is a very good chance that GB2 could also walk away with our parents home and savings. I don't want this for myself- I would prefer that the house was sold and the proceeds used to pay for Mum to be in residential care so that she has people around her and caring for her properly as her dementia progresses. But it does feel completely wrong that someone who has already taken so much from our parents is lining himself up to take everything else and no only will do this with no consequences, but will be lauded (by friends, family, HCP) as the wonderful son whilst I am the bad, selfish daughter who wouldn't even help care for her lovely mum.

@SamAndAnnie @formalwellies i know you’re both right i think i am going through every emotion at the moment i am frustrated opg didn’t act sooner so we could of had this resolved i am hurt how i found out dm had passed and that nobody had the decency to tell us like we don’t matter maybe they will when there is a date for the funeral i am angry that dsis has got away with this

i presume the solicitor the opg is referring to is a probate solicitor. For my own mental health i will probably not do anything it was never about the money I just wanted the truth out there but i suppose that doesn’t really matter both me and dsis know what she has done

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy

Find alternative childcare; your parents are not emotionally safe enough for either you or they to be around. They could well use your kids against you advising them to keep secrets from you or playing one off against the other (golden child and scapegoat).

The truism applies that if parents are to difficult/toxic for you to deal with it’s the same deal for the kids too. I presume you only allowed a relationship out of some forlorn hope that they would behave better this time around. Sadly toxic parents more often than not turn out to be toxic as grandparents too.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all so need a willing enabler to help them. This is your dad and he will and indeed will continue to throw you under the bus. He is her secondary abuser as well as her enabler. He cannot be relied upon either.

You are the parent here so none of this is up for your kids to decide and besides which they are relying on your good judgment. Remaining in contact with them at all will do you all no good at all. Deal with your fear obligation and guilt through therapy and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point.

So very sorry to read this Spendysis. I feel you’ve been let down by the opg frankly. Cases like this are more common than people realise and it’s yet another reason why I do not like power of attorney documents. They have to my mind been oversold to a general
public that does not fully understand the legal responsibilities of being an attorney. The temptation to misuse is there and it’s not properly monitored . In families that are dysfunctional too they can and do become weapons.

I hope karma or whatever turns around in the end and bites your sister. I hope for a similar fate for Dumb and Dumber who treated their mother with the utmost contempt; they had joint p of a for both her health and finances. Now she is dead they inherited a tidy sum whilst I have lost a friend.

Karma has a long overdue list….but narcissists are almost invisible so I think it’s incredibly difficult to get any sort of justice. It’s a horrible type of abuse because you as the victim are the only person to be affected. Kids and partners are really the only people to actually be impacted. I feel very differently about people now whose children don’t talk to them. I think accepting that they will probably have no justice is the only option, although this absolutely sucks. It think otherwise you could spend a whole lifetime down that rabbit hole, waiting and hoping.

This is what I mean though, I think the justice is that it must be absolutely horrible inhabiting their skin. They are so toxic and horrible it doesn’t matter what the outside of their life looks like, their inner world that they can’t escape from is not somewhere I would choose to be. They have to live in that. Taking every comment that isn’t worshiping them as an attack to their superiority. Never feeling joy at others’ joy, never feeling like what they have is enough. Being in a constant fight with everyone over getting their own way. Yuck.

I personally don’t think they think it’s horrible, I don’t really think that they think they are horrible at all. The justice is your kids and you not being like that. My justice for my ex is my daughter having a mum emotionally attached in a healthy way. He wanted me gone and I’m very much here! He wanted her and he won’t get rid of me. I know I piss him off just by remaining grounded, I don’t bite and I’m not mentally unstable and been in a stable relationship for 6 years. (Just why oh why oh why the MIL). But you can’t have it all!

Exactly this. Our very existence and the joy of others and others having things they can’t have etc - it’s all excruciating for them. Not being able to control everyone how they’d like and just all of their “wants”. They’re so insecure and wanting. If they weren’t so horrible I would feel sorry for them. As it is, it is a comfort to me to see how horrible they’ve made things for themselves by their own selfish jealousy and lack of empathy.

I’ve come to see that looking at them as suffering beings is me trying to make myself feel better. They are built and designed to not suffer or to feel bad about themselves. They are stood in a mirror maze and have many directions to look at. The only time they actually collapse is when the supply drys up, but they prioritise this like air or food. They do not really suffer…we do.

I suppose we’ll have to agree to disagree. The ones I know are extremely unhappy really, no matter how they try to present.

Yeah mine aren’t happy in a normal human way. But I don’t know if that is important to them anymore, or ever has been.

I'm not sure whether my dysfunctional family member are happy or not. I don't think they are ever content, which to me is a big part of being happy. But I think they like to feel powerful, which they can achieve in the short-term by manipulating people.
If he was not so nasty I think I could probably feel sorry for GB2. He has a huge sense of superiority and believes himself to be the smartest person in any room he enters, but the circle of people who agree with him is incredibly small. He's never really achieved much in his own right and is very angry and jealous when he sees anyone else achieve anything. His usual response to anyone else's success is to blame them/the system/anyone else for the fact that he didn't achieve the same and more. He is so used to being propped up and praised by our parents that now any small difficulty feels unreasonable and not being congratulated for the smallest thing feels like criticism. Because he is so sure he is superior he doesn't ever do any self reflection and won't seek or accept any advice. The outcome is what we have now- someone who is bitter about anyone else having anything and desperately pushing for a last chance to 'win' (in a game no one else was aware they were playing) by controlling mum and what he sees as his inheritance and making other friends/extended family see me as the bad one.

He may 'win' but at what cost? I suspect that his determination to avoid any paid care for mum will lose him his partner (I'm sure a lot of the hard work will fall to her and they will have very little privacy/down time etc). This will of course be all my fault for not doing more. Although if I am being extra cynical I would say that perhaps this is part of the plan. He enjoys playing 'parent of the year' but is very annoyed when actual inconvenient and difficult parenting falls to him (eg. if his child is unwell he will sleep at Mum's place to avoid being woken in the night leaving his partner, who also works, to deal with it). So it has crossed my mind that perhaps part of the plan is for her to leave with the child, so he can be a Disney Dad- all whilst claiming that it's everyone else's fault and he's son/dad of the year. I'm sure he feels he is being very clever, and gets some satisfaction from that, but I wouldn't say that's happiness.