New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Id put money on it she’s running on auto pilot and every thing you’ve said has gone over her head. Lights are on but no one’s home.

I was there with my second baby.

You put boundaries in and there is nothing wrong with that

😂

Or even that the OP - and all of us, for that matter - should put up with CFs and their behaviour just in case they are depressed?

(While at the same time avoiding psychiatric diagnoses on line because, well, we're not health professionals.)

@bitontheobtuse She might be, but the OP has no responsibility to her. She's not a carer, not a member of her family or other social group (which she isn't short of). This woman has access to her GP, and the OP shouldn't be obliged to care or look after her at the detriment of her own peace.

Women aren't free carers.

Stop feeling shitty, you are not a shit

My god some people are absolute nutters I would have done the same.
Just tell her no you’re working every time she asks moving forward, she’s a nutter, spend no more time with her OP.

You did nothing wrong OP. She didn’t respect boundaries.
Tell your DH everything you have said here

You were right to be firm. She has no boundaries. I’d never turn up somewhere I had been told not to. And staying whilst you do your kids dinner, bedtime etc absolutely not. She’s rude.

Don't you dare apologise. It doesn't matter what her circumstances may or may not be, she can't stomp all over your boundaries and it continue to go on.

You tried to be nice, it didn't work. I wouldn't see her again.

Why doesn’t your dh feel sorry for you? Just because she wasn’t the one talking does not make you the aggressive one. She is.

the problem is that by being so rude - and yes, staying far too long and ignoring normal social cues to leave is rude - she has lost the OP’s sympathy. And I’m not surprised. I certainly wouldn’t consider it my job to introduce a grown woman to the art of going to baby group activities to make friends. Any normal person can do that without staying for 4 hours over an uninvited mealtime and refusing to take polite hints.

YANBU Op. I admire your balls!

I'm not talking about sucking up to the needy one, as a said in my previous post.

OP has nothing to apologise for though.

Not sure about her, seemed unusual she specified she didnt want visitors for 3 months in her own home with her new baby yet calls on you constantly uninvited.

Thanks for all the replies. We have had a chat. I told him after the previous visit I was under no circumstances having her in the house again and I specifically told her not to come by that evening. He said he was just so taken aback and he felt very sorry for her being sent out with her baby. He didn't know the background.

I won't be contacting her to clear the air. Aside from this latest visit I thought her behaviour prior to this was unacceptable. I cannot imagine immediately after saying to someone whose house I'm in that I'm not leaving as the baby is sleeping, setting up food for my baby to spend more time.

I don't understand how anyone has free time available for a person - not a relative, colleague or even friend - to help themselves to.

I do get you can be a bit 'dazed' in the newborn phase which is why I was very clear.

Apparently she was saying to DH that she didn't mean to upset me, I seemed 'stressed out' and that she hadn't planned to stay long.

I don't even like that she suggested coming in the previous times. I did not invite her, the house was a mess and I had learned my lesson after the first visit which went on for four hours. But she was quite insistent saying she had no blanket for the baby, her hip was sore etc. Everytime (after the first visit) I'd said that I didn't have much free time and then after dropping hints followed by a request to leave I had to stand up, gather her things and walk her out the door.

So she's coming uninvited, ignoring hints to leave, needing to be walked out and then finally arriving when she has been directly told not to.

I know other posters here would have discussed this with their DH beforehand. I do chat to him when we get a chance to actually disconnect but for whatever reasons I didn't bother. I'd imagine by the time I got some alone time with him I'd already offloaded to my friend and didn't feel the need.

Oh god, this would be my worst nightmare! I hate when visitors overstay their welcome. I have family like that, by all means stay for an hour, have a coffee and a natter but then please leave because I have shit to do 😤

You absolutely didn't do anything wrong, maybe show your DH your OP so he can get where your reaction came from.

This is what it looks like when a reasonable, accommodating person reaches the end of the line. It isn't pretty but that doesn't mean you're in the wrong, not at all. When I feel my boundaries have been trampled all over and I've tried to give soft signals that just aren't being picked up, the next level boundary setting can look brutal. You need to explain to your husband the back story. No way should this lady be monopolising your time and relying on you and to suggest that you just accommodate her is not doing her any favours because your resentment would build ... and fast

This lady needs to read the room and that is a "her" problem. Your job is to set your boundaries much earlier in future. It's learning for you and for her. Be prepared to be a bit blunter than you would usually be.

Just for the record, my rule of thumb is 2 hours for coffee/afternoon tea, 3 hours for lunch, evening meal be gone by midnight at the absolute latest. Some people will stay as long as you let them.

It was me who made the pillow comment, OP. It was in response to a PP who clearly hadn't bothered to RTFT and said she didn't think your neighbour even was obese, which was a stupid post given what you'd said, so I replied in an attempt to show her how stupid her comment was. Probably foolish of me!

And what you did and said was fine, including not having mentioned it to DH earlier - why would you need to?

I bet she sees you as a resource. Because you run the fitness group. In her mind you provide a service and she's entitled to access it.

I'm glad you've had a chat with OH and he is onside - the best partnership!
Hopefully you can now concentrate on your lovely family.
All the best my dear.
xxx

I suspect she has enduring mental health issues. If you say don't come round and she does, then there's something not right.

You've done nothing wrong. You described that she ignores your boundaries, social cues and may even just be using you.

She then deceitfully gained entry into your home - that's tantamount to stalking. Imagine if she were a man doing this to you.

Explain everything to your partner and make it clear you had no choice. Because you didn't.

Just seen your update - glad it's sorted! And glad there's at least one sensible person on here who handles these situations correctly!

Well said
Why are we expected to be ' fixers'

You've done nothing wrong here OP, for whatever reason this woman decided your house was a drop in centre!
Hopefully that's the last you'll see of her in your house.