New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

Well dealt with op.
A few years ago I briefly had a friend I met at a baby group that would come to my house & never leave despite numerous hints !
I began distancing myself from her until we lost contact, A mutual friend told me she’d popped to hers recently as she was dishing up Sunday lunch and just stood chatting & chatting as her meal was going cold in front of her ! They don’t change these folk.
I’m super cautious with newer friendships now & will invite people for a coffee at 10am & have a teams call / meeting at 12 as an escape route ! Just so I don’t have to throw someone out !

I didn't say you were talking about sucking up. I said the message you suggested was conciliatory. The abruptness was necessary, it was the part of the message that emphasised how serious OP was. Walking that back at all is foolish.

I agree actually. I don't want to make up with her or dial it back or whatever. I don't get enough time with my actual friends. I'm someone who was supporting her with her fitness but now I'm happy to walk away.

There's no reason you would have told him that she wasn't invited again, because how could you have foreseen her showing up at your door immediately after you told her not to?

My pet peeve is unannounced CFs guests.

It winds me up so much but I’m too much of a people pleaser and don’t say no. I do make clear hints like I have to put dc to bed but it seems many are either rude or lack the social intelligence to get the hint.

You did nothing wrong.

What is it with these people who believe that other people’s homes are community centres?
Now I am a miserable cow, but I am very careful about who is invited inside this house. I only actually want close people here who won’t invade my privacy and prevent me from going about my business. It gets very, very boring having people hang around in your family space.

Did he apologise? No longer giving you the cold shoulder?

Yes to both.

You are better off rid . She’s the type that will latch onto someone else eventually and drop you like a ton of bricks anyway . They are called users .

Really glad to hear it.

Every sympathy, @Aworldofwonder !

Seriously? Why is it the OP's job to be her social secretary? She has her own life, own kids and own things to do.

This clingon woman could google for activities if she wanted, she just wants to hang out at the OP's and talk at her. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

The OP has sorted everything and I support her 100%.

I used to judge people who don't feed guests, but can now understand how it would come to that.

I had a neighbour who did the same, turn up and stay for ages.
Hints didn't work, so I stopped dishing up if it was dinner time, even if it meant eating quite late.
No snacks, no drinks, nothing.
Works well.

She also has far more 'people' of her own locally. I'm not from this area and she is. I was here with a baby knowing nobody and forced myself out there. She was showing me photos of her recent birthday party, surrounded by family and friends.

I do not know what was going through her head, very little maybe except pure exhaustion and not wanting to gather herself up and leave the last few times even after I asked her to.

Yanbu, that would really freak me out. She can google local groups and has a health visitor to ask for advice. If it was one way what sort of things was she speaking to you about?

Yes I’d just leave it. Any contact from you may be interpreted as an invitation to call round again.
She may or may not have issues but these aren’t yours to deal with. She sounds a nightmare frankly.

I think she was astonishingly rude, and I'm surprised you put up with this for as long as you did. I would actually be really upset with my husband if he behaved as disloyally as yours did. His first instinct is to presume you are being a complete asshole - what's that about?

You are very forgiving of your husbands disloyal behaviour towards you.
How quickly he turned on you.
How long are you married.
Whatever about your genuine reason for annoyance at her, I really would be livid with him.
How dare he be so disloyal.
THAT is not something I would forget in a hurry.
As for her, I definitely wouldn't waste my time being polite to such a CF again.
Manners are wasted on CF.
Firm and abrupt works best.

It is well worth another conversation tomorrow.
Someone so quick to turn on you and think badly of you, in front of a stranger is NOT someone I would want to be married to and boy would he know.
Loyalty in a relationship is absolutely a non negotiable for me.

She sounds lonely

Is that usually his approach in arguments? To freeze you out?

Did he explain why despite years of knowing you… it didn’t once occur to him that you might have had reason to behave like this?

Again, did you read the OP's posts where she has loads of friends and family? She doesn't sound lonely, she sounds bored and she thinks because the OP is at home she can drop everything and entertain her for hours on end. The other people she knows probably work in places where family members can't sit around chatting with the staff for hours.

Please don't feel shitty. This is a person who wanted no visitors when the baby was born.

However she thinks its fine to come and spend hours in your home, like you have no chores to do but to just sit and welcome her.

In your position, I would have been exactly the same and would have eventually exploded. The cheek of some people just amazes me and I don't know how they get away with it, by pretending they deserve special attention.

Everything has been on her terms. I think your husband has been unreasonable, he has acted without listening to your side of the story.
I think it's better to stay away from this mum because she wasn't listening to any of the boundaries you were asking for.
Once you become friendly again, she will do the same again.
You need to have a firm talk with your DH and let him know you don't have the head space to tolerate her behaviour.
Number 2 you don't have the time to waste 3/4 hours entertaining her.
She was taking advantage of you and wouldn't take no for an answer.

Who on earth would go to someone's house after they have told them, please don't come I'm busy?
Certainly not a normal person.

I’d wonder if she needs help too ☺️

I suspect that when she’s at yours, she doesn’t have to face the reality of being at home with a small baby. Still not your problem.

It’s a weird one this thread because it transpires the woman is actually very popular and sociable and well supported by family.

I wonder whether she is worried about the Op. and that’s why she ignored her request not to come around - because she was concerned about the Op