New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5246024-fulula-the-cf-who-would-not-go-home

This is one of my favourite threads on here.

OP YANBU, you are not a public service. She doesn't seem to be your friend rather just want you to be hers! I hazard a guess there's more going on with her but that isn't y our issue. If your DH is usually supportive I would explain it to him as soon as you can, otherwise it will just cause conflict, but I do not feel YWBU at all.

I have no idea why there's an amazon music link here and it won't let me edit it out?

The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb

She kind of smiled and shrugged and I continued that I had asked her not to call over. He leapt in, apologising to her and telling me off. She stood up

I'm sorry what??? She thinks you're a mug OP. You need to tell your husband never to let her in again unless you've notified him of the visit first.

However the minority of posters here saying I have some sort of obligation should think about the pressures they are piling onto already overburdened women

There's always a few sanctimonious, holier-than-thou women in threads like this who like bashing women like you for not being a free care-in-the-community person. I don't think this expectation is thrust upon men as often. Those women love telling others that they are not being kind enough, not compassionate enough, when actually, it is they who lack empathy (and often such women are either unpleasant, or clueless and don't have any street smarts).

I'm late to the post, but want to add my bit.

You have no obligation to this woman beyond polite neighbourliness. She has shown that she is an outlier when it comes to understanding social norms, and seems to think she has a right to park herself in your house for as long as she sees fit.

In short, she is a bloody nuisance, and you are right to be annoyed with her now, and to not want anything else to do with her beyond neighbourly greetings.

I'd add that you need to tell your husband what the situation is. Get over your annoyance at him - he didn't know the situation - and explain to him that this woman is turning into a real nuisance and you don't want to encourage her any more. So that he knows not to let her in again until he's checked with you.

Good luck!

You set a boundary. She failed to respect it. You did the right thing.

Is your husband the father of her baby? Why does he care so much about her? He should be more concerned with the fact that this woman keeps annoying you and invading your house but never asks you to visit her. In the bin with her, I can't stand people like this who'll happy be a guest but never invite back. And also only talk about themselves. No, thanks, nobody needs this in their life.

OP is not a maternal child health care professional. If that's the problem, she needs to access her own care, not be staying at OP's for hours eating her food and barging in when she's been told she can't come over. A depressed person wouldn't be doing that.

This woman is using OP for company and has turned around and likely shit talked her to her husband, and this after OP has gone out of her way for her a lot with the swimming and being company. If she's not cut off, the childcare dropoffs will likely start soon.

DO NOT do this OP. It will encourage her to try it on again.
Your bluntness was necessary - it made your point clear, which is the purpose of communication. Softening it by making any sort of conciliatory overture will dilute the conviction in your message.

OP is not able to help her with that, though. She does not have the time to just sit there and she doesn't have the knowledge or resources to provide anything else.

Whenever I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong I view it another way. If I didn’t say something what would have been the result? The answer usually solidifies my decision it was the wrong/right thing to have done. So if you didn’t say anything but welcomed her to stay another four hours, even though she knew you didn’t want her to visit. What would have happened? She would continue to ignore you and keep visiting for four hours at a time. I think you did the right thing. You were not rude but explained that she shouldn’t have come as you’d told her not to, because it’s not a good time. She will live! She will hopefully learn better manner for next time! She has her family and friends for support, so there’s no need to worry. She obviously wanted a break from the house regardless of how you felt.

My DH is a bit of a people pleaser and would also be horrified if I did that... but when he came back he'd have asked me what the hell that was about and then he would have listened to my reasons and even if he still didn't approve (see people pleaser above) he would accept that I'm an adult and have every right to behave however I like.

Your DH is in the wrong here. You were totally justified in teling this woman no after you'd already told her no an dshe'd ignored you and it's completely unacceptable that he didn't even bother to ASK you what that was about.

You’ve been entirely reasonable. It was generous to help her with the fitness and when it became too much it was fine to put your foot down. She was being v unreasonable coming round when you were giving clear cues and then stating outright that it wasn’t working for you. I wonder if she has some kind of difficult with social perspective taking interpreting these cues. You husband thought you were being rude because he had no context.

I wouldn’t overthink this whole thing. It seems most of it is all down to miscommunication. Just explain the situation to your husband, and be mindful that this woman obviously needs all communication to be explicit.

Let’s place bets that he was told and didn’t listen 🤣

Ask your husband if he has ever seen you speak like that to someone before. Ask him what you normally speak to people like.

Then ask him why he thinks you spoke like that then. Doesn't he think that might be a reason? A really good one?

The fact that this woman is sucking up your time and life is ridiculous, but what's even more worrying is that your husband walked her home and was gone a long time. What was he saying to her?

I'm afraid that I think your husband did not take you seriously when he should have, and has handled this very badly. His reaction here is more of a problem than she is. I'd be very upset at him daring to apologise for me, more upset that he was so long and frankly worried that she'll start latching on him now.

And she'd possibly still have OP's support if she'd behaved reasonably.

Oh goodness! I think you need to properly tell your DH what’s been going on

even if my husband had no idea of the back ground…, he would know that this was so utterly out of character for me that he’d support me even without knowing a shred of detail

Socially unaware people definitely need straight talking and not hints, just like this. I’ve found they are never offended either! It’s like they are a different species.

But…. If you have serious depression you don’t tend to even see what reasonable.

OP, she is not your friend.
She is using you and your home.
You responded perfectly reasonably.
I would be extremely annoyed at my husband and boy would he know it.

I wouldn't bother being polite to her again.
I wouldn't allow her in the door and I wouldn't be answering her texts.

She is extremely rude and disrespectful of you and your home.

That's very true. But are you really suggesting OP is obligated to play the role of unpaid support, at the expense of her home life and business, for this reason?

Where have I even remotely hinted that?

You haven't, but if that's not what you were getting at then I'm not sure of the relevance of your observation?

You seem to think that someone suffering from serious depression would always “behave reasonably”

and I was pointing out to you - often they can’t even see the wood for the trees let alone behave reasonably

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong and would be livid with my husband if he’d done this!

Well, tell your husband to waste his time on Ms OverStay.