New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

This was the first thought I had. I would gently ask. Ask if she’s seeing the HV etc. Can you suggest any local baby groups she might enjoy?

Baby reindeer isnt she? She will find someone else to latch onto

Ah, the old #BeKind guilt to keep women in their places. Maybe the OPs "kind and decent" husband should help this lady out since he's so concerned.

This is a valid point- but OP isn't a health visitor or MH nurse. She has her own life to live. It's not like the other mom has said 'im struggling and need someone to talk to'. She sounds like an energy vampire in all honesty.

Crossed my mind as well, or dh will start feeling sorry for her.

My first thought on reading your post was that you don't owe her, you are not her mum. You've been kind and she has taken advantage somewhat.

"he should have realised that for you to be so abrupt there must be a back story."

I think that is a very good way of summarising it to your DH and I would very much want to know exactly what she said to him about it.

For your DH who knows you, to be giving you contemptuous looks, I'm guessing she played the "Poor Me" card all the way home. Whilst you have refrained from going on about her and he hasn't been party to the way she has basically dumped herself on you and lack of a two way conversation. You've been treated as a convenient stopping off place and "a pair of ears"

TBH I wouldn't be rushing to inviting her back, and certainly don't apologise for being direct. I'd wait for her to come to ask you, when you can renew your boundaries nicely. You have to be really blunt with CF people and your DH needs to understand this.
I had to say very firmly to a consistent CF caller,
"I had no idea you were coming today."
"Oh don't apologise"
"Im not apologising, I'm not ready for you."
to which they said "Oh Don't worry about it!" and walked in anyway!

However, if she apologised and adhered to new boundaries, then there's a chance it might be possible to salvage something, as long as she doesn't take advantage of you again..

But a word of warning, being a neighbour who has been accommodating to her, you might find her asking if you wouldn't mind watching the baby or other tasks whilst she does A, B or C... and it's hard to turn down because by then she will know your schedule etc. Again, it's not something one would mind occasionally but I'd say she's got form for pushing things. So she needs to know if she wants your help, she needs to stick to your boundaries. One thing that annoys me about CFs is that as soon as you say no to them, all the nice things you've done to them are forgotten and they get quite angry about it. But that's how you tell they really were CFs all along. Best of luck!

Jesus Christ, I just did an involuntary shudder at this.
I think I'd have secretly sold the house and maybe changed my name!

"It's dark out there"??? What time did she turn up? Are you in another country where it's dark a lot earlier than the UK at present (it's not dark until after 9.30pm where I live in Yorkshire).

It sounds like OP would be well rid of the pair of them. And I say that as someone who doesn't spout "ltb" at the drop of a hat.

ADHD or not, you’ll have to try and talk to your DH about it.

Tell your husband that if he's that upset about offending her, next time he can sit there for four hours when she turns up and make her dinner for her.
If that doesn't appeal to him then he needs to mind his business and let you manage yours. He doesn't get to play the nice guy by proxy using your time.

How, exactly? OP has had major difficulty in getting her to leave after four hours. She'd been told that OP was busy and she couldn't go round, and she ignored her - which was incredibly rude in itself. If OP wanted to be rude, she could justifiably have asked her what the hell she thought she was doing and told her to fuck right off; in the circumstances she was simply direct and very restrained.

Has your husband changed his attitude since you explained it all to him? Especially the fact that you had just sent her a text saying no, you were busy.

If he doesn’t drop his behaviour and stop the looks of contempt, and apologise for how he behaved, then I’d be telling him I was extremely hurt and wasn’t sure I could look at him again.

On the other hand isn't it also the kind and decent thing to do to respect someone's boundaries when they have specifically told you "No, I am too busy for you to come to my house today."? How is it "kind and decent" to just walk into someone's house, during their work day and then sit on their sofa? Especially when you have been told clearly and bluntly "No. Not today."

The friend could speak to

-GP
-HV
-Family (if she has any)
-Counsellor

Why does the responsibility have to lie with OP?

Let your DH deal with her in future. He will soon get the point.

Why assume the neighbour is lonely? She has a large family nearby and sees her mum and sisters every week, and she has the group of friends who came to her big party (to which she did not invite OP). She probably knows other people from the fitness club as well.

Do you think it was "pretty awful" to turn up at someone's house having been told not to because that person is so busy? I do wonder what on earth she though OP was supposed to do - just drop everything and then give up sleep or something so as to catch up?

Wow. I hope you asked her what she was making for dinner as you hadn't invited her?

OP's children are not babies, why would she have this information at her fingertips? Why can the neighbour not ask her mother and sisters who live nearby and whom she sees every week?

Your husband shouldn't have let her in. Did he not know about her hanging around for hours?
I would write a letter, apologising for being short but stress you did message her saying about being busy. Don't over egg it or she will probably start again.

I only mentioned her weight as another poster said men aren't interested in helping a 20 stone woman - she possibly is 20 stone.

She joined the fitness group which I help to run. It's a highly inclusive community group. She was doing really well. Then she approached me and told me she was pregnant. She was delighted but also worried about undoing her good work; she had lost about three or four stone in six months. So I was encouraging her to keep exercising and making an effort with her nutrition.

I don't know what the pillow comment is about above.

I was happy to chat to her about being a new mum, health and fitness etc. She doesn't seem interested in being my friend - she doesn't ask any questions about my life or invite me to her big birthday party. So I don't think she sees me as important in her life either.

I still don't think I would do anything differently with her. I clearly told her not to call over. I was into my settling down for bed routine. I am not a public service. None of my friends would call in after 8pm - I'm settling down for bedtimes.

She suggested my house the first time and I said great. All the other times I tried to head outside. I was happy to go swimming in place of my usual cardio even though it's not my first choice.

She has lots of family locally and a partner. I am really annoyed that she is imposing in my home like this. My weekdays are very busy and I like to stay focused on various projects. Her visits were not welcome.

I take on board that I didn't communicate this to my DH.

However the minority of posters here saying I have some sort of obligation should think about the pressures they are piling onto already overburdened women.

Exactly. Also why can she not use Google and/or local Facebook groups to find this stuff. She's been texting the OP so is obviously pretty capable of using her phone.

You are not her counsellor.
As I posted a few minutes ago - drop off a brief note 'sorry I was abrupt, but I did ask you not to call. I am busy.'
And leave it like that.
Put yourself and your family first, she sounds very needy.

I think you did great for lasting so long. I wouldn't have opened the door. Maybe get a ring doorbell.

What I don’t get is how you can be so unaware of what’s appropriate. I’d instantly know if I’d outstayed my welcome somewhere. If someone had to ask me to leave I’d be mortified at my lack of judgement