New Mum keeps calling over and stays for hours

[Aworldofwonder]

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.

You really hate the patriarchy don’t you?

Oh @StandingDeskDisco will hate most things in life

Agree, no reasoning, just hate.

Don't we all?

Sounds like you were more than polite in the past, but unfortunately she's the type who has to be told bluntly. I'm glad your husband has apologised for jumping to the wrong conclusion. I hope she'll have finally received the message that she can't invite herself over and monopolise your day.

I'm with you Op. She sounds very cheeky. Even to always just talk about herself. She seems as though she kept pushing your boundaries. She will drain you, and it will be thankless. Get rid

I'm with you Op. She sounds very cheeky. Even to always just talk about herself. She seems as though she kept pushing your boundaries. She will drain you, and it will be thankless. Get rid

We don’t know her mental state, she may appear to have loads of friends and family members doesn’t mean she can’t be lonely or that any of them are there for her. I get it’s annoying and I’m not saying her behaviour is right, I only mentioned she might be lonely especially as she has a baby. It can be one of the loneliest experiences on the planet

Completely agree

Understood. My post earlier may have come across a bit chippy and wasn’t intended to. I definitely know that about serious depression, I’ve been there myself at various times unfortunately.

Oh, ok. Well I am sorry for that she's struggling then. If he doesn't fancy her, he just wanted to undermine you, which is frankly bizarre. I can't imagine any situation where my husband wouldn't back my play, unless I actually physically attacked someone (which I don't do, obviously), in which case he'd just pull me off and lead me away and ask what the hell was going on - he still wouldn't go into bat for a stranger, an acquaintance, or even a friend over his own wife.

I don’t know how she can be worried about OP, as Op stated that this woman never ever asks about her and how she is. Just talks at Op, who cannot get a word in. Fair enough a lovely friend coming round and staying longer than anticipated, but this person knows nothing about Op from the sounds of it, and isnt interested in finding out, just talks about herself and her life.

Her mental state is not relevant, unless OP is planning to set herself up as her counsellor. The woman ignores boundaries. It is cruel to yourself and to the boundary breaker to roll over and give in to this nonsense. She has been told, and is not listening.

What happens when the bE kInD crew get their way and someone is forced to coddle a boundary breaker is that they keep pushing. They push and they push and they are never satisfied until they have your full attention. At some point the OP or other person whose time and attention are being used as a resource for support flips the biscuit and can't stand it anymore.

This is much more cruel to the boundary breaker than just stopping it at the start, as OP has tried to do and has now done. The person becomes reliant on the other person and then feels massively let down when they respond like a normal person when pushed too far and tell them to bugger off out of frustration. It gives the boundary breaker unrealistic expectations for support from other people and it puts the next person who comes along in a poor position because the boundary breaker now expects unrealistic support from them too. They can learn, but they don't want to.

Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

OP was NOT rude. She was responding to rudeness and she did so bluntly, after having already tried repeatedly to enforce fair and reasonable boundaries with a woman who REFUSED TO LEAVE HER HOUSE when asked.

There is nothing wrong with what OP did, I wouldn't have responded like that, but then I'd never have seen her again after the first couple of times she pushed past my boundaries because I have known these women before and it always ends badly.

You need to have a word with your husband. It's not his place to make you feel like shit in your own home and it's definitely not his place to take the side of an outsider over his wife.

I do think it's really weird though that you hadn't discussed this with him before, my husband and I chat about our daily lives - well, daily. I'd definitely have been moaning about her to him before this. You sound like you're scared to talk to him properly and he sounds like he acts like your handler.

I mean I get your point of view but like, surely you could have seen how the situation would have looked from an outside perspective. Someone being arsey to a new mum & a baby and kicking them out, is going to come across as harsh. people are usually sympathetic to people in that position unfortunately it’s human nature

You admit you didn’t fill him in on the situation so you can’t blame him for being taken aback in the moment? With people like her you need to be strategic in how you communicate and part of that needs to be getting allies onside including your own household. Situation could have been totally different if he was aware, he might not have even let her in. But at the point she was playing happy families on your sofa, she’s presented a harmless perception and you presented a harsh one whereby he felt the need to jump to her defence and get confused at what the nice lady and baby did wrong etc

Nope. The CF already been told repeatedly that her behaviour was unwatned, and actually refused to leave OPs house before. She'd also been told NOT to come that morning and did so anyway.

OP was quite correct to do what she did, it was the only way to get rid of her.

And her husband had no right, of any kind, to shit on OP in front of an outsider. He should have shut his gob and asked her what was going on after the CF left.

I'm not scared to talk to him!

He has walked her home before at my request.

He doesn't fancy her.

She's not worried about me.

No he doesn't always agree with me automatically, not do I with him.

She's probably lonely yes, for whatever reason.

All sorted now with DH and I won't be spending more time with her.

Yeah this is pretty much what happened. Then when he got back I didn't feel like 'defending' myself as i had felt very hurt by how he reacted to me.

Not quite the same but I had a similar-ish experience with a Mum who was part of the local NCT group who just wouldn’t stop phoning me. Several times a week for a ‘chat’ to see how I was getting on. Once was a nice gesture- we weren’t close at all. But then again, and again, all while caring for a new baby. I think she rang me more than my own mother did at one point. In the end I had to pointedly say sorry I was busy with friends/family and couldn’t stop as I was too busy (which was true…) think she got the message in the end! There’s a difference between being friendly and invasive. You did nothing wrong. She was treating you like family when you’re not even close friends.

No good deed goes unpunished, does it?

Never mind op, your dh knows now, but how come he didnt know before and gate keep? ' no, no univited visitors today, bye bye'

To make yourself feel better, because you seem kind but misguided:) you could message her you are so busy and have no time at all for friends for the forseable, but here are some numbers of activities, toddler groups where she wull meet people in the same life space as her.

Not agreeing with you is NOT what he did though.

He was rude to you in front of an outsider. He sided with an outsider against you in your own home, walked out of the house with them, and he treated you with contempt afterwards.

None of this is remotely ok, no matter what he thought. He's entitled to disagree with you in private after finding out what was going on, he's not entitled to act as though you are a scummy person anywhere, ever, particularly in your own home where you should feel safe and supported.

It's good he's apologised to you, it's not ok - at all - that he behaved like this. He should have your back against anyone else.

If you're a doormat you're a people pleaser, if you dare to say no you are treated contemptuously. That's got nothing to do with ADHD, by the way, it's just unpleasant behaviour from him. Seems you can't please him, either way.

"Pure exhaustion" certainly OP - after talking non stop for 4 hours who wouldnt 😄
You've done A* amazing, now just make sure you never let her back in your house. If she messages be blunt and clear as before, tell her you can't help anymore and wont be seeing her.
Funny enough, I've seen many people just happy to yap about themselves for ages. Dont know if I'd been unlucky but IME there are many more out there than people who reciprocate/ask about you.

My understanding is that she was already at OP’s place and read her text while there.

I had a Friend like this who stayed for hours on end. I could not get rid of her. Luckily she’s taken offence to something - no idea what but so relieved I don’t have to host her and try to manouvre her out the door anymore . Was totally exhausting

That isn't what happened. She read the message and then turned up at OP's anyway.

She’s treating you as a service so feels entitled to you. She’s acting like you have to do this and it’s your job.