I started talking to a guy my age (both of us 42) who was training to be a psychotherapist and completing a doctorate. We had some amazing deep conversations over text, voice notes and phone. It was honestly refreshing not to be doing all the usual small talk and he never tried to do what a lot do and talk about what I like in bed etc All in we talked for a week and a half.
He was upfront the first day that 6 months ago he ended a 14 year relationship that had become like a friendship e.g. they hadn’t had sex in a lot of year, slept in separate rooms etc. He had quit his job to start the course when they were together and she had agreed to support them financially as he had done similar for her years before. He said he would have very limited time if we dated as his course was so intense and he was doing an uber delivery job around this to try and get money to live basically and pay for an expensive course. He said we would maybe see each other once or twice a month only. He also said he wouldn’t have much money to take me out much but I’ve had to pay in relationships before when I’ve had more money and I thought it was a green flag he was being upfront. I figured as well it would be better to have someone I click with amazingly and only see him once or twice a month than a lesser connection so we both said we would meet and just feel our way with things.
Maybe mid way through the week and a half he disclosed he still lived with his ex. As I said in the last paragraph he had quit his job to start the course when they were together and she had agreed to support them financially as he had done similar for her years before and she had said she would honor that and let him live rent free with her (the mortgage was just in her name for some reason it had never been his house though he had paid towards bills etc). He said that she didn’t allow him to bring any women to the house since it was hers and she wanted to protect her space. Problem with that is I only broke up with my ex 6 months ago too and moved back in with parents and not sure when I will be buying a house but we agreed we would find ways round it if things went well and we were a couple like hotels or getting creative when my parents were away etc. I’ve heard of ex’s needing to stay living together before for financial reasons but they have always said they live very separate lives like ships in night almost but he admitted they watched tv together and ate together so coupley stuff really without the sex but he explained that he still cared about her as a friend which I can get. He wasn’t even allowed to phone me from the house though if she was in and did it on a walk or in the car.
I honestly think I would have felt a bit jealous about him living with his ex but then I thought it was a green flag he was so honest. He just seemed like a really nice, caring guy who was so big on communication and talking about our feelings and past life. We were both super excited for the date that should have been today and were communicating non stop with good chats and also flirting by this point… then I blew it all. On Thursday this week I had a really tough day at work and news about a death that made me a bit upset so I had a few drinks and I basically totally misunderstood something he had said in a text being drunk and upset state and then we straightened it out but I kept apologising. He was telling me you’re being silly all is fine with us but I wasn’t reading it and just kept saying stuff lie sorry I’m so stupid, hope I hadn’t ruined things… we went to bed and then in the morning I was cringing massively at myself and texted him sorry about last night and explained I’d been upset and told him was looking forward to meeting and that I’m sometimes a bit over emotional and not thinking clearly after couple of glasses of wine (bad I know you don’t have to say).
So this was then yesterday morning and he sent a long voicemail stating he had decided we shouldn’t meet as I had needed him emotionally and he hadn’t been able to meet my needs because he couldn’t call and say stop being silly as he was at home and that he thought that I deserved more than his current situation and that if we met we would fall for each other and he would hurt me when he couldn’t give me enough time etc… yes his situation was complicated but before my stupidness that night he had been keen to meet and see if we could feel our way so today I am genuinely depressed I probs threw away someone I had a lot of potential with. Honestly never clicked like we did with anyone ever (I know we didn’t actually meet but from all th texting, voice notes and calls we were so similar and gelled so much).
My friends at work immediately jumped on they think he isn’t actually single and the little time for me and not going near his house was because he was still in the relationship. He had explained though she hadn’t wanted the breakup and since they were now separated didn’t want to see who he was dating etc. His course was running at least another two years so he had to respect her wishes because he wouldn’t be able to move out and pay rent elsewhere until at least then.
Just feel so mad at myself for being an emotional tit and self deprecating one, who doesn’t read messages properly when tipsy. All my friends just keep harping on though that he probs wasn’t single and that anyway there were too many bad things like lack of time, no money to do stuff and they all said they couldn’t have a guy live with his ex and still do coupley stuff like watch tv together… but honestly I think they are just doing what friends do and trying to make me feel better.
Any perspectives as to whether you agree I totally screwed up or dodged a bullet welcome? Would you put up with a girl who lives with his ex and wasn’t available a lot?