No sex after baby, what do I do?

[ISeeBlue]

Our baby is 7 months now and we only had sex for a bit after the birth (there was a sort of surge of hormones and it was rampant for a short period of time).

Now it’s been months since we last had sex. I am really confused as to what I am supposed to do. I am not happy living like this and it makes me miserable. I feel like my husband is trying to make a housemate out of me. He essentially wants to carry on as normal, be chatty and keep talking throughout the day in particular if he is working from the office but there is no sex, no affection, no intimacy of any kind. Because of this, I have felt distant from him and increasingly annoyed at him, and I find it hard to act all chatty and normal. I have communicated it to him in detail many times now, we’ve had long conversations. But nothing’s changed.

I resent him because he’s ruining my maternity leave. I am meant to be enjoying my baby but inevitably my marriage situation ends up making me feel flat. If I were single, I wouldn’t be dating at this point as my baby is too young and I am busy. But considering I am married and living under the same roof as my husband, I feel awful being so physically separated. I feel distant emotionally too because of that.

I just feel very angry at him sometimes particularly when I receive another breezy message talking about his day and asking about mine. I AM NOT YOUR HOUSEMATE.

Really, I feel trapped. I am not single and choosing not to date currently. I am married and denied intimacy. It feels humiliating and upsetting. I don’t want to leave just yet, it seems too early to exit and also I would like a sibling for my child from the same dad, whether we be together into old age or not. And he knows that too.

He himself says he feels emotionally distant and that’s why we aren’t having sex and I’m creating that emotional distance, again, because we aren’t having sex. It’s a vicious circle but I have tried to be all breezy and chatty and allow for some emotional intimacy however that hasn’t resulted in sex.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My thoughts are disjointed so I appreciate my post may be, too. I feel so upset. And stuck. I am 31 years old if that matters.

You sound incredibly highly strung - which is not very attractive for men. Perhaps try to chill a bit? Talking about your day? That's what adult couples do. It's not all about tearing each other's clothes off.

I’m the husband. And I didn’t treat my wife like a failing sex machine for those months.

You are an internet troll with no reading comprehension skills.

By the way, I assume because your name is Sunshine you are a ray of light containing the entire spectrum.

This is a bit of a tricky one OP because the first year, hell even first three or so years after you have a baby take a massive toll on you mentally, physically and emotionally so there could be all sorts of things going on here. It's for this reason that I wouldn't make any rash decisions or be quick to blame one another in any particular way. On the other hand, I do agree that it is a bit odd that he wouldn't want sex in the long term if you are wanting it. Again there may be something else going on e.g. mental health on his part I wouldn't jump to conclusions about infidelity etc unless you do have concrete evidence of something. I can see how you don't feel listened to or feel he's downplaying the issue. Since this is clearly bothering you over time it may be best if you can find a taking therapy or something where you both attend and are guided through this in depth as it does seem there is more than there seems on the surface of it.
I would bet though that either way in another year or so you will both feel more 'normal' about everything. I'm sorry you're not feeling understood at home, hoping you feel better about it soon. 💐

From my previous posting history it’s quite clear I’m a man. I joined this site primarily to look at parenting topics when we had our daughter, but you do you.

Regardless of our difference in opinion, you went for ad-hominem over reason which does, I’m afraid, make you the troll.

Do people really think this is a normal way to behave? Men don’t automatically cheat just because they aren’t interested in sex with you at the moment

Possibly if they are unfortunate enough to be the victim of a cheat so I empathise slightly.

In our case I was knackered from working full time plus overtime and parenting a newborn that wouldn’t sleep through the night.

I wouldn’t have had the energy for an affair, if I had wanted one, which I didn’t.

How common is cheating really? Outside of Tv dramas? I know one person who has had an affair and that was in the late 90s

So everything was fine after the birth, you had sex but then it has tailed off?

Could he be involved with OW?

I would ask him to attend counselling with you. Good luck.

Agree with all this. It's very unusual for a man to feel like this IME.... not even a cuddle? Poor OP.

And the operative sentence is '...it just wasn't happening for either of us...' which is absolutely fine. But it is happening for the OP and her feelings aren't being reciprocated, leaving her unhappy and frustrated, which is the whole point of her post.

Classic. He used to see you as a whore but now you are a mother (madonna) and he can't get it up. I don't like Freud but maybe he wasn't wrong about everything: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex

You should seek professional help if you can. This is too big for the both of you to do anything about alone.

I’m sorry. This is what I’m scared about. I’ve also been sleeping with the baby this whole time. I have a feeling there’s something he’s feeling that he is either unaware of or won’t admit to. For example, if I was told I’m not getting any attention because I don’t look how I used to look before, I most likely would bomb the whole thing. He knows that too. It’s hard!

I’m sorry. Are you still together?

I knew it was a man and I knew he was from Reddit starting from his second comment. He keeps revisiting this “sex thread” even though he signed up for advice on parenting his daughter…Reddit is one serious head fuck of an invention. Typical real-life people will never understand Reddit users, that’s why everything he has said seems outlandish.

Yes.

Making love with your spouse or partner is the thing that keeps you close. My husband hasn't wanted to make love to me for over 6 years now. We had a great sex life up until then, we're in our early 60's . It makes me feel unloved, he won't talk about it , i don't want to have an affair or a divorce . So i understand how you feel , sorry i haven't got any advice for you , i hope things improve though

Youn need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling. He is supposed to be your best friend and he's probably laying there thinking, child birth was hard, she looks stressed, I'll leave her alone. Maybe he needs permission to adore you again.

FGS read the thread

I’m sorry. I know exactly what you mean re affair. It’s not that I want sex for the sake of having sex and anyone will do. It’s that I want life with my husband as I know it, i.e. with intimacy in it. It’s not about “sorting yourself out” or “opening up the relationship” (somehow the latter hasn’t been suggested!). It’s hurtful in particular when the sex life has been great before. In our decade together, we’ve gone through periods of rampant sex as well as normal / standard amount of sex present. However, the longest we’ve gone without is probably a month/just over a month. So this is completely out of the ordinary.

This is a tough one OP. He could just be adjusting to the huge changes ha being a baby bring - or he could be like mine and a few other posters ex on here. They stop fancying you after the baby.

my ex changed the moment our daughter was born. He seemed to not be able to touch me in any way. It was really sad. I think he resented and blamed me for the change to our lives - even though he really wanted the baby and was very much doting on dc.

I think you need to wait and see for a bit longer. I know it took my brother several years to return to normal after his wife had a baby.

i think what’s hard is that as the sex and affection goes the communication starts to break down too.

As you say, you carried the baby, you gave birth, you are looking after the baby all day and sleeping in the baby's room. There are now three of you in the relationship, your husband is needing time to adjust, he's bound to feel like the third wheel or a spare part. As others have said, you need to rebuild your relationship, it will never be the same as before but that's not to say it can't be as good. It sounds like he hasn't been able to adjust as quickly as yourself but don't take it as a slight to you. Maybe try some date nights, if you have anyone who can babysit or a day out together. I hope it all works out for you.