No sex after baby, what do I do?

[ISeeBlue]

Our baby is 7 months now and we only had sex for a bit after the birth (there was a sort of surge of hormones and it was rampant for a short period of time).

Now it’s been months since we last had sex. I am really confused as to what I am supposed to do. I am not happy living like this and it makes me miserable. I feel like my husband is trying to make a housemate out of me. He essentially wants to carry on as normal, be chatty and keep talking throughout the day in particular if he is working from the office but there is no sex, no affection, no intimacy of any kind. Because of this, I have felt distant from him and increasingly annoyed at him, and I find it hard to act all chatty and normal. I have communicated it to him in detail many times now, we’ve had long conversations. But nothing’s changed.

I resent him because he’s ruining my maternity leave. I am meant to be enjoying my baby but inevitably my marriage situation ends up making me feel flat. If I were single, I wouldn’t be dating at this point as my baby is too young and I am busy. But considering I am married and living under the same roof as my husband, I feel awful being so physically separated. I feel distant emotionally too because of that.

I just feel very angry at him sometimes particularly when I receive another breezy message talking about his day and asking about mine. I AM NOT YOUR HOUSEMATE.

Really, I feel trapped. I am not single and choosing not to date currently. I am married and denied intimacy. It feels humiliating and upsetting. I don’t want to leave just yet, it seems too early to exit and also I would like a sibling for my child from the same dad, whether we be together into old age or not. And he knows that too.

He himself says he feels emotionally distant and that’s why we aren’t having sex and I’m creating that emotional distance, again, because we aren’t having sex. It’s a vicious circle but I have tried to be all breezy and chatty and allow for some emotional intimacy however that hasn’t resulted in sex.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My thoughts are disjointed so I appreciate my post may be, too. I feel so upset. And stuck. I am 31 years old if that matters.

Did it give you a buzz to write this?

No. I'm making what I think is a valid point: it's all about OP. It's DH's baby, DH's marriage and DH's possible future child too. 'Our' would reveal that OP saw the lack of a sex as a joint problem. If she did that, a resolution would be a little closer.

I think it is when you’re in the throes of a 7 month old first baby. Most new mums are desperate for sleep and getting to grips with a new life. To be so angry and uptight with your partner about sex is not healthy to me.

Seven months is an absolutely not a short amount of time to not have sex with your partner. I would be climbing the walls, upset, and confused if my partner didn’t want to have sex with me for seven months!

She is annoyed because he’s refusing to work with OP to address the issue.

There is nothing to indicate that all she’s interested in is sex.

Yes, OP should not think about herself at all.

Just for info, basically the first year of my children's lives we did not have sex. Probably even longer with the second as she would not stop breastfeeding.
Far too tired, touched out and needing to get to bed ASAP to get in as much sleep as possible before 10,000 wake ups a night.

Seven months, not seven weeks. Many women do not want to go for seven months without having sex with their partner, baby or not. It is entirely reasonable that OP would be confused and upset as to why this isn’t happening.

Please point out the rude comments. You keep saying this but no one has been rude.

People are responding to the OP's tone in replying to people who are taking time to make suggestions, and wondering if that is the way she comes across at home as well because it might be putting her husband off.

This is NOTHING to do with "women who enjoy sex" blah blah - the fact that you then mentioned "women who enjoy food" - which literally has nothing to do with this post - is completely missing the fact that OP needs to express her displeasure in a more constructive way and also actually ask her husband what the issue might be. It's not rude to say that FGS.

People are trying help OP figure out what the hindrance might be - and sharing their own experiences that for many couples a baby can be like a grenade in the relationship and it takes intentional work to dig themselves out of that space.

I can't see any rudeness other than from you and some of OP's responses. There have been many thoughtful and helpful suggestions made.

Disagree there is nothing wrong with pointing out that a man would be ripped apart here for saying this . It’s the truth 100 % not rude

I would be climbing the walls too but how is being annoyed and upset that he is trying to make normal chit chat with his wife during the day helping?

How is that working out for her?

Is it helping her get what she wants which is to rekindle their sex?

That is what people are trying to say when they make suggestions like counselling etc

I agree !!

Those of you saying you didn’t have sex after the baby, that’s because YOU didn’t want to. Men have not had these interruptions to their needs, they have not just given birth. Their body has not been through a pregnancy. They do not stop wanting it because someone else had a baby.

People telling her that she sounds angry, like an awful person, obsessed with sex, only cares about sex, is self involved and doesn’t care about her husband, that she’s so awful she’s lucky her husband is still with her is very fucking rude.

Theres nothing to indicate she's interested in anything else at this point....

Men don’t give birth. Hope that helps.

She’s been quite clear that she is annoyed because these messages are trying to gloss over the elephant in the room.

Yes exactly, men do not give birth and in my experience, they always want it unless there is a medical reason not to, or they just don’t want to with you.

Did any of you stop wanting sex when someone else had a baby?

Have you heard of paternal birth trauma? For men who witnessed difficult /high risk births - witnessed injuries to their wives etc?

I think you’re making too much of it tbh. You’re not owed sex, if he is tired and not in the mood then you shouldn’t be angry with him for that.

Don’t make any decisions about splitting when a kid is under 2. It’s a time of chaos and hormones and changing relationships.

😂 So women should list every hobby and interest they have to demonstrate they are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs before they post about an issue specifically to do with their sex life?

As you said that’s your experience. I’ve had plenty of male partners who weren’t always in the mood.

I think she might have mentioned that as that would make sense why he has gone off it if he was traumatised. She would likely be traumatised too in that case.

The physical act of giving birth is not the only reason someone may not have the same sex drive when they as a family have welcomed a new baby! The tiredness, overstimulation, lack of downtime that comes with a new baby is enough to impact anyone’s sex drive, whether you’ve just squeezed a human out of your vagina or not.

This is one reason:

Paternal birth trauma occurs when a father or non-birthing partner experiences severe emotional distress or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after witnessing a complicated, high-risk, or life-threatening childbirth. It often stems from fearing for the lives of their partner or baby, combined with feeling helpless or excluded by medical staff. 1, 2, 3]

Common Causes

• Medical emergencies: Emergency C-sections, heavy bleeding, or neonatal resuscitation.
• Fear of loss: Believing that the partner or child might die.
• Poor communication: Feeling left out, ignored, or uninformed by the clinical team during a crisis.
• Helplessness: Watching a partner undergo extreme pain or invasive medical interventions

Men are not some sort of homogenous bunch who always want sex all of the time.

The above is just an example - may not be applicable to OP at all - but we need to stop this "they always want it or they are cheating" narrative. It's just not true.