No sex after baby, what do I do?

[ISeeBlue]

Our baby is 7 months now and we only had sex for a bit after the birth (there was a sort of surge of hormones and it was rampant for a short period of time).

Now it’s been months since we last had sex. I am really confused as to what I am supposed to do. I am not happy living like this and it makes me miserable. I feel like my husband is trying to make a housemate out of me. He essentially wants to carry on as normal, be chatty and keep talking throughout the day in particular if he is working from the office but there is no sex, no affection, no intimacy of any kind. Because of this, I have felt distant from him and increasingly annoyed at him, and I find it hard to act all chatty and normal. I have communicated it to him in detail many times now, we’ve had long conversations. But nothing’s changed.

I resent him because he’s ruining my maternity leave. I am meant to be enjoying my baby but inevitably my marriage situation ends up making me feel flat. If I were single, I wouldn’t be dating at this point as my baby is too young and I am busy. But considering I am married and living under the same roof as my husband, I feel awful being so physically separated. I feel distant emotionally too because of that.

I just feel very angry at him sometimes particularly when I receive another breezy message talking about his day and asking about mine. I AM NOT YOUR HOUSEMATE.

Really, I feel trapped. I am not single and choosing not to date currently. I am married and denied intimacy. It feels humiliating and upsetting. I don’t want to leave just yet, it seems too early to exit and also I would like a sibling for my child from the same dad, whether we be together into old age or not. And he knows that too.

He himself says he feels emotionally distant and that’s why we aren’t having sex and I’m creating that emotional distance, again, because we aren’t having sex. It’s a vicious circle but I have tried to be all breezy and chatty and allow for some emotional intimacy however that hasn’t resulted in sex.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My thoughts are disjointed so I appreciate my post may be, too. I feel so upset. And stuck. I am 31 years old if that matters.

Can i just say sex isnt everything. If you have an itch to scratch you could always DIY. Sex changes after kids, for a little while.

My baby. My marriage. My maternity leave. The same dad for my child.

Not a lot of room for your DH , is there? Never mind sex. I'd be rejoicing he's still there.

That isn't the issue.
The issue is that he's carrying on as normal and texting the OP about his day, and avoiding the elephant in the room (not wanting sex even though the OP has talked to him about it).

I do think that counselling would help you both to understand one another's point of view @ISeeBlue

It's clear that you're not on the same page at the moment and you're feeling a bit disappointed and resentful. And he's ignoring how you're feeling and carrying on as normal, but without the sex, or even an acknowledgment that you're really bothered about this.

OP @ISeeBlue have you ever considered his perspective - like really, at all?

He is texting you bright and breezy because talking about each other's days might be what makes HIM feel connected to you. It's hard to feel sexy towards someone you don't feel connected.

I can't understand why you get so angry because your husband is interested in what you have been up to while he is at work. Maybe he wants you take an interest in what his day has been like.

As to him being dismissive - ok so what do you want him to do? Have sex he doesn't want? I think counselling might help you to see each other's perspectives with another person in the room to moderate.

Has anyone else commented on your tone/snappiness or upset? Is there a trusted friend/relative you could ask in the sense of "do I seem myself" - sometimes we don't always recognise that we are being crabby all the time and it can be hard work for those around us.

I have to say you sound incredibly unpleasant

Texting you to ask about your day sounds like a totally normal interaction between spouses. Are you expecting him to bring up sex or a the lack of sex every time he speaks to you? He’s not allowed to just ask how your day is?
Telling you about his day and asking about yours isn’t acting like housemates in itself.

But she is ignoring his needs for chit chat and communication - don't you think? It's like both of them have taken a position and no one is moving towards the centre.

I don’t really understand. Why is him asking about your day being dismissive etc? Do you expect him to only talk about your lack of intimacy?

why aren’t you having sex? You say you’ve talked about, does he just not feel in the mood? I can’t imagine getting angry/fed up with him because he’s asked about your day/wanted to chat about normal things will help with that.

If he doesn’t want sex with you then he either wants it with someone else or is having it with someone else already. Sorry OP. He’s not interested in having sex with you and that’s enough to end the relationship. Which I would do if I were you!

It is you who is being weird and odd.

Some women enjoy sex, want to have sex with their partner, and are unwilling to live in a sexless relationship. That does not make them ‘obsessed’.

Has he said why he doesn’t want to have sex, OP?

Really? With a 7 month old? Just like that - an entire marriage ended after just a few months at one of the toughest stages of parenting? Are you serious?

Spot on. Poor man probably thinks he’s being thoughtful and letting the OP recover.

She doesn’t seem angry. She seems, rightly, irritated by rude posters.

Maybe a strong desire to move into the ‘blended family’ phase.

What an interesting take. Another option is he doesn't want sex with anyone.

TYPO

What text conversations were you having before that him asking about your day (perfectly normally, by the way, and more than many Men manage) is taken as some kind of friend-zoning brush off?

You can’t have been exclusively exchanging sexy / smutty messages before you had a baby, surely? Someone must have asked if we needed milk picking up on the way home at some point.

Let’s unpack this.

1. If a partner doesn’t want sex with their partner other reasons could be that he/she doesn’t fancy sex, doesn’t fancy see at the moment- not just those two options.
2. You say you’d just leave - on an anon forum post. Up and leave. Like that. A 7 month baby. A wider rest of relationship.

It’s not about sex, it’s about OP’s aggressive reactions. It’s not okay to be “annoyed” and “angry” about a relatively short lack of sex to the point that normal interactions between your spouse set you off.

What you are describing is incredibly common when you have a baby.

DH and I have had 5 years of this but our close ‘best friend’ relationship is what keeps us going and we r intimate when we get the odd chance with 2 young kids and absolute exhaustion.

I would agree with this.

Is this actually a reverse? Because I’m wondering why there was sex after baby due to a surge in hormones but now, when the same person who would have had that hormonal surge still wants sex, it’s not happening?

Just ask him why he doesn’t want to shag, OP @ISeeBlue

Take no notice whatsoever of these posts, OP. The modus operandi on any thread where a woman admits to enjoying sex (or food), or doesn’t immediate capitulate to the people posting rude comments, is to accuse the posters of being angry.

Yes women who openly enjoy sex are somewhat of an anomaly on mumsnet it would seem

If all she's interested in is sex it can be very off-putting regardless of whether you are the male or female in the relationship.